Damn it Spence..I don’t even know where to begin.

The one year mark is getting closer and part of me is still in denial. It’s easy to pretend you’re off stationed somewhere with the Army, deployed to Afghanistan, even though I know it’s not true.

Words cannot express how much I miss you, how often you’re on my mind. You spent the day before at my house with your nephew, brother-in-law, and I. You left before I got to give you a hug and say goodbye, which I now believe was intentional. I’ve come to realize you were saying your goodbyes to us, which is even more devastating.

I should have paid better attention, I should have recognized the signs. I shouldn’t have believe your tough guy attitude. I have so many What If’s and Should Of’s that run through my mind.

I was the first person contacted once you were found and after hanging up the phone I completely lost it. Hyperventilating, screaming, and sobbing.

I have cried so many tears for you little brother! You had become such a constant part of my life after you got out of the Army. I loved spending time with you because we knew and understood each other so well.

I straight up told your dad I wanted to speak at your funeral, because out of the entire family, I was the only one who knew you, who actually had a relationship with you!

And it was rough for multiple reasons. But I closed with a goodbye and thank you to you–Thank you for letting me be a part of your life, for being a great brother and friend. Thank you for being such an amazing uncle to my son!

It’s hard explaining to him that he’ll never get to see you again.

But most of all, You have NO IDEA how much your death has affected so many. My mom & your dad, after 15 years, are finalizing their divorce. Our family literally fell apart.

You also missed the gift of fatherhood, the birth of your son, who is so adorable and looks like you!

It’s a hard pill to swallow knowing that you won’t be around, that there will not be any future memories with you.

Your death has forever changed me, I will never be the same. All I know is I’m accepting you found peace your way. I miss you. I love you.

Spencer L. Hiatt

08.02.1989 – 01.26.2015

Four weeks today. I know how much courage it took because I have faced those same demons myself. They talk to me alot. I cannot imagine the courage this took. I wish you had chosen a different path and called me one last time. I don’t understand why you did it there knowing mom and dad would be there to find you. That kind of makes me mad. Jerry is sorry for how things ended between you two. Dale did a wonderful job at your service…so did daddy. You would have been proud. Mom got her a dog and I th i k it keeps her mind off of it. I wish you had not did this. Right here at christmas. You could have tried to get off the beer and pills and tried to start over. I know some lady in McMinnville who is quite devastated over you. I love you boogie. Help me to keep the demons away. I prayed to God that he would take you. Junah looks just like you….dad gave him your tackle box and poles…I am going now. I love you.

Hey Jonathan, It’s been way too long since I’ve put my thoughts about you in writing again. I have been thinking about you every single day, as it has gotten cold and the snow has come back in Minnesota, we are thinking of you. I was thinking of when I jumped your car and after jumping it accidentally let the jumper cable hit my grille and it broke the grill into a few pieces. I remember I was so upset with you, and it was wrong, I should have been mad with myself and my ability. Who knows, if I had been there to look at your car you might not be gone anymore. Jacob and I are managing, but hurting everyday, we love and miss you sooooo much.

Love,

Justin

Never forget 4-29-13, Jonathan Timm.

I lost my only brother just over 10 weeks ago and am now an only child. I feel like I have lost a part of myself. My question to all the other now-only-childs out there is what do you say, when you meet new people and they ask if you have any brothers or sisters? I can’t bear to say “I had” or “used to have”. Is it too much to say “I have a brother but he died”? What have you found works for you? Thank you.

It’s only been a week since you decided to leave us, but it’s been the longest week of my life. I am so sorry that I was angry with you most of the time for not fighting harder. I wish I could have been kinder to you, more compassionate. I miss you so much – I can’t even describe the pain. I am just so sorry.

Kate

To my best friend and also my brother…Keegan. It’s almost been four months now and I’ve been told that as time passes it gets easier. Well I’m not sure who came up with that statement but it’s a lie. The girls and I miss you so much. I’ve been being so strong for them because I know that’s what you would want/expect from me. I feel like I let you down as a sister by moving out last year. I know you were mad at me but I was obviously too selfish to care. I cry everyday in hopes that I can see you one last time. You were only 16, about to get your license, you had so much going for you dude. You were amazing at guitar, I watch videos of you playing frequently and find myself bawling. I’m sorry for the times I would knock on your door and tell you to turn your amp down when I lived at home. I would do anything in this world to hear that again. I worry about you a lot, I worry about if you’re safe up there, if you have friends, are you really watching over me? Oh and I hope you met Granny at the gates of heaven. And btw Uncle Chuck has cancer again and they said its spread too much and he’s on a liquid only diet. Things are terrible here. I just miss you so much and I wish you were here to help me get through all this. I need you and I love you.

cory. its been only two months since it happened. you had just turned 22 a few weeks prior, i had just graduated high school the week before, came home from the beach the day of. i want to say that it hasn’t hit me yet that you’re gone, but the logical side of my brain wont let me fake it. now being a college freshman, there are a few things that i’d like to say to you, since i am not available to visit you.

first. i’m sorry. i’m sorry you had to suffer, whether it was by yourself, or however much you shared to your friends. i’m sorry i couldn’t be as supportive as i should have been. you really had me worried when you sent out that text to everyone in your contacts, i should have taken it as a sign that something was up. but i didn’t. i left you fool everyone you were okay, and that it was nothing. i left you fool me, and i should have been the one to call you out on it. i knew you better than anyone in our family. there’s still things that i keep secret. i promised, remember?

i’m also sorry you couldn’t confide in me when grandpa passed away almost a year earlier. i was hurting too you know? we were all close to him; you especially being the first grandchild and grandson. i understand completely.

second. i wish you could have seen me off to college. tomorrow is my first day of classes as a college freshman. i would have hoped you could have been here to help move me in, see me off. become successful. well, i guess you can now. you’re just not physically here with me.

its weird. the family reunion had just passed and all i could think about was how out of place i was, no matter who was there to make me laugh, it still wasn’t the same without you or grandpa being there. it was so quiet. same happened with father’s day. i feel so lost without you. we stuck together through everything; mom and dad’s divorce. going every other weekend. mom’s boyfriends and constant moves. any trouble you had gotten yourself into. i was there every step of the way, supporting your decisions no matter what mom thought. i’m sorry i couldn’t have been there with you for this final step.

speaking of, i’m sure you know already though but, mom hasn’t been the same since you’ve been gone. she’s more depressed than i have ever seen her. day by day she’s getting a little better, but it’s still a very sensitive topic to discuss. Ry is doin fine, for the most part. she missed you too, probably more than she lets on, but that’s ryleigh for you, our baby sis haha.

i met our uncle tim by the way. he’s a really rad dude, kinda strange but. i wish you could have been here for that too.

oh, and i got a grateful dead sticker for you the last time i went down to the beach. it’s pretty awesome, you’d be so proud of me. i also showed grandma them, she doesn’t know what to think haha.

well. i have early classes to get up for. i just want you to know that i love you, i never stopped supporting you, i won’t now either. i miss you so much you wouldn’t believe it. Jasper and Daisy do too. they wonder where you’re at, you never come to visit anymore. little fat cat haha.

don’t be a stranger to my dreams, okay?

-You’re little sister, Beanie

I had no idea you were hurting so bad. We all knew you weren’t well but none of us had a clue the pain was so deep. Now I sit back and think of all of your hints and I want to punch myself for overlooking them. I’m in total shock and I feel like I should have been able to see you better than I could. I love you. I hope it doesn’t hurt anymore. I want to be angry at you for not telling us but it must have been so hard to hurt that badly. I’m only angry at myself, for not putting more effort into our relationship. You wanted the family to stay close and we all let you slip through our fingers. I am so very sorry we let you down. Be at peace. I’ll miss you every day.

-Danielle

Oh.. Wow. How long has it been? 3 1/2 years?! Oh geez.

Tyler, I miss you so much.. February 15, 2012, YOU LEFT ME.. You left me alone. You were my big brother. You were my hero. I wanted to be as cool and tall and happy as you. I was jealous at all the friends you had. I loved and LOVE you so much.

I will always remember these three days: January 31, my birthday, you came into my room, pinned me on my bed and tickled me wishing me a happy birthday. You drew a mask on my face writing silly words like dumb and ugly and stupid. I accidentally kicked you in your nuts and you ran out and punched a hole in the wall (which is still there). Mom called 20 seconds after you left and you freaked. You picked me up dragging me into the bathroom and scrubbed my face with a washrag trying to get the sharpie off. My face was bright red from all the scrubbing when it was finally off.

The next day I will always remember is February 14, Valentine’s Day! :'( I hate Valentine’s Day… You asked mom to drive us to Target so you could run in and get some “gum”. When you came out you had a pretty pink bag with a card and a CD by the Script. That was one of the very few birthday presents you got me. It meant so much to me that I cried. That night we had youth group and we played Valentine’s themed games. You asked out your crush later that night and she rejected you. You didn’t tell me but I could tell something was up on the way home from youth group. I didn’t ask because I knew you would eventually tell me. Guess I was wrong…

February 15 started out as a normal day. Wake up, eat breakfast, go to school, yadda yadda. But, I had to stay after school to finish a project for my StageCrafting class. I got a call at about 5 p.m. from Mom asking me where I was and why I wasn’t home. I explained to her that I was still at school and was almost done with my project. She sounded shaky and scared. I said OK, I’ll be home in 15. (I was in 8th grade, BTW and he was a Sophomore in High School). Completely oblivious to what was occurring at home, I skipped all the way home being happy-go-lucky and smiley because I finally finished that project. I turned the corner and saw red and blue flashing lights. The rest is a blur.

I’m an only child now… It sucks. I don’t have anyone to play catch with. I don’t have anyone I can rely on to always be there for me. Why did you have to leave me? Why did you have to take my best friend away? I will see you later in Heaven. <3 <3 <3

I miss you so much.

LOVE YOU BUBBA

Sissy

(Sorry for the narrative… Just needed to rant a little bit…)

I am currently 20 years old but I lost my older sister, Heather, when I was 11 and she was 24. Up until this year my parents had convinced me that the death was murder. Everything added up and I’m sure my parents tried to convince themselves it was murder too. The autopsy came back inconclusive. Now that I’m older I’ve learned a lot more about whats happened to my sister. She suffered from depression, ADHD, and bipolar disorder. Everyone describes her to me as such a beautifully happy and vibrant person. I learned this year that she probably committed suicide. The concept is difficult to comprehend. I hardly remember my sister. I feel like I don’t know anything about her and it kills me. The older I get the more I yearn to learn about her. My parents are recently divorced and I cannot reach out to my mother or father in this situation. My other sister is estranged from my mother and also fought with Heather while we were growing up.

I just feel so lost and confused. I wish I could remember my sister but I understand her suffering was very great. I found this website and had a yearning to share.

Courtney