Both siblings gone

Last year I finally managed to get pregnant and my daughter was born in September. By October though, my sister was dead. She’d met my baby just once. I still feel quite numb to her death in the haze of new parenthood, and feel so so sad for our own parents. They are beside themselves with grief. There’s also a massive sense of dejavu since my brother also took his life 12 years ago. It’s strange to think I was the youngest of 3 and now I have no siblings left. It’s also sad to think my daughter will have no siblings (not possible), no aunts or uncles, or even first cousins (my partner was an only child). For the second time in my life I’ve had to deliver a eulogy, this time with no preparation and on little sleep, but overall I find it hard to understand why my sister would decide to go when knowing the affect it would have on my parents, and the support they gave, and would’ve continued to give her. I know my folks are questioning if I’d do the same, and no amount of reassurance helps. I can’t help wondering if there is something in our family that puts us at risk, or indeed if people around me are wondering the same. It’s hard to make sense of it happening twice.

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