I was a bit skeptical about this site but it’s been less than a week since I lost my older brother. I’m having a hard time processing my grief and it’s still a shock that he’s gone. I’d like to know how/what helped you cope with the sudden loss of a loved one and the feelings of guilt (please don’t say I shouldn’t feel guilty- I know I shouldn’t and I’ve heard that countless times). Thank you for allowing me to share.
Lost my sister in 2018 and felt the same. Grieved for a while, then it didn’t seem to bother me much after that, until recently, almost 9 years later. I don’t feel guilty as I didn’t cause it, so I’m with you the overuse of terms like that. What I can tell you with 100% certainty, is the feeling of loss will sneak up on you when you least expect it. I’m not an overly emotional guy, but I’ll be honest with you, when it hits me it’ll make me break down and cry. Hang in there.
I am so sorry for your loss.
The only thing that helped me that first year was giving myself grace, and I mean a lot of grace. You are a completely new person now. The version of you that walked the earth before your brother died, died with him. It can feel like scorched earth on your soul.
The first few years were awful. I focused on doing what I could, even if it was just one thing. Around a year in, I started writing in a journal each day: one thing I was grateful for, and one thing I wanted to get done the next day. It was simple, but it helped me start taking care of myself again. I would literally write, “Tomorrow I will shower,” or “Tomorrow I will brush my teeth.” The goal was not to overwhelm myself with to do’s. And if I did not do it, I did not beat myself up.
Now the guilt. It takes years, but with hindsight I was able to see that I supported my brother the best I could at the time, with what I knew. He did not share with me how truly bad things were, so I only saw snippets here and there. I tried a lot of different things to work through it. I journaled, wrote him letters asking for forgiveness, and more. Honestly, the only thing that helped was time, and letting myself carry the weight of the loss as I could.
I am six years out and I think about him all the time, like today. The difference now is that I can feel it bubble up, cry, let it out, and know I will be okay.
Sending you so much love and support and hugs. Feel it all, and if it is too much, find a therapist who can support you.
When my little brother took his own life I thought I would never be able to deal with it. My wife has helped me a lot. One of her borthers also took his own life many years ago.
Two years have passed. I miss my brother every day. The hurt isn’t as bad as it was. My brother was a guitar player. I was out in the yard today putting up a fence for my dog and a breeze came up in the yard. I listened to it and could hear him playing his guitar.
That’s how I deal with his death now. It’s the memories that make it better. I was blessed to have him as a brother for 59 years.
I lost my older brother a couple of weeks ago, too. I’m also dealing with the feelings guilt – not being there enough, the ways I could have hurt him, etc. You’re not alone.
I am so so sorry for your loss. I empathize immensely with you. I lost my younger brother about 9 weeks ago. I feel such overwhelming guilt sometimes at the things I should have, could have done to help him. No one in his life had any idea about the pain he was carrying on his own so this was a complete shock to all of us. I have so many questions that will likely be unanswered forever and that eats away at me from the inside. I, unfortunately, don’t have a lot of advice, but I wanted you to know that you’re not alone.