I need you right now bro I’ve got these thoughts in my head once again, the memories never end, and I question where did this all start? how did we go from innocence to addiction? a whole life of Affliction, now you’re dead and I’m falling apart. Growing up you were my idol, yeah I wanted to be just like you. I began acting out way too early, showing off and acting a fool. I didn’t know back then the toll it would take, I didn’t know the struggles that lied up ahead. I didn’t think I’d be here writing this, or that I’d lose my brother my only true friend.we were both young when dad had adopted us, but his love it was more than enough. We were doing great from what I remember, so when the divorce came we both took it rough. Looking back on that now its when you began acting out, you Made sure to stand out from the crowd. I stayed right by your side until the day that you died, we were Freaks and we scream that shit proud. I remember skateboarding all day and sneaking out every night, at times it got pretty extreme. Like when you got shot in your leg and we lied to Mom, all of this before the age of 14. Just to get our cigarettes it became habit to break into cars quite a bit. Or skating through the crowded mall with security chasing us, it was like some real life movie shit. Yeah those were the days man I’d give anything to go back and relive them again. The only things that mattered were joking around and getting laid, just to share the story with all of our friends. Then at 15 years old you told me you tried meth but it was a one-time-only thing. I Knew by the look in your eyes you would again no doubt, you were a full-blown addict by that following spring. I rarely saw you after that I felt like I had been left all alone. I would lie awake in bed every night, just hoping that you would come home. Your addiction continued and so did the tears that we cried. Driving for hours some nights with Mom searching for you, and getting nowhere no matter how much we tried. I was so young the first time I saved your life, I had my hand down your throat forcing you to puke it all up. At least 9 bottles of pills it seemed, you fell unconscious just before the paramedics drove up. When I came to see you later that day you were strapped to the bed you just lay there and cried. you said “look what you did to me Ryan” I can’t explain how much guilt I was feeling inside. Around that time I was sent to an alternative school, I wasn’t doing as well as I could. suspended so much it was no surprise when they kicked me out, we knew at some point that they would. After that a miracle happened and you set your demons free. But unfortunately those same demons soon came right after me. I got bad into pills then graduated to heroin, it happened so quick. I lost myself and my morals in Desperation, everyday fighting not to be sick. It took three trips to rehab and years at a clinic to overcome that high I was always chasing. Not to mention the fear and heartbreak you felt when they told me it was a minimum of 25 years that I was facing. If I didn’t have you I’d be gone right now but you stayed by my side through it all. You gave me advice that kept me out of prison, you even sat with me for comfort the nights I’d withdrawal. we took care of each other no matter what, I think that’s what hurts me the most. I saved your life many times when you started drinking, but that day that you died I was nowhere close. You almost begged me that morning because you were bored, pleading for me to stop and say hi. I blew you off for no good reason, I didn’t know that call would be our final goodbye. September 15th 2013 we both died when that shot rang out in the air. At the end of our driveway you took your life while Mom stood screaming, she watched a true Mother’s Nightmare. Two little boys left without their daddy, me left with a broken heart. Your son running to your casket screaming at your service, that will forever haunt me and tear me apart. We took them in and adopted them, the reason I can make it to another day. While I’m lost in this Darkness suffering, they are the light in which guides my way. I lost my girl, my job, my home, and my brother all in that month I felt so alone and afraid. It made me reflect on who I’ve become and the people I’ve hurt, but mostly regret for decisions I’ve made.
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