For my Corey

Corey,
It’s kind of ironic that I am now writing you a letter 4 months after you left your last. You explained everything, yet left no options for response or retort.

You abandoned me when you promised me you would never leave me alone in this world. You were my best friend and you threw that all away because you wouldn’t see passed your own pain. My entire world has been shattered and it will never be whole again! I hate that I can’t tell you any of this and I’m left to ponder what kind of responses you would have and how you would make me laugh for being so hurt.
I can’t believe you thought this was something that we would all accept and move on from. I can’t. I’m trying to, but every quiet moment I see you laying in your truck. I see you running around our parents’ home, making your stupid preparations, and how you were so freaking careful to make sure that you didn’t leave any painful evidence behind. Which made the pain of walking into that house all that more palpable.
I wanted a justification to me about why I needed to have this void in my life, instead all you could do was write about how the world would be a better place without you. You were never evil. I’m tired of dwelling on you and the pain you were in, but I can’t seem to let it go. I don’t want to be angry with you because if I go there I’ll never forgive you.

You were my best friend, the person who knew me better than anyone. I cherished our relationship. I finally had a big brother and you left me alone. You couldn’t be honest with me, and you were always honest with me. Now I’m left with a brother who could care less what’s going on in my world, and a sister that doesn’t really know I exist beyond what she needs out of me. I’m alone with no hope of having a friend as a sibling.
Every day, since the day I was born, you were there. Always there. And now you’re not, and you made that choice. To leave me. You chose that I was nothing. I had no importance. You Abandoned me. I think of your precious daughter all the time, and what her life will be without you. It’s not better. It’s not ok.

I keep calling your friends and fixating on the time in our life when we were living together. Somehow it makes me feel like there’s a piece of you that I’m getting back. Which is SOOO stupid. I actually considered trying to get into our old apartment and just sit in it. I want to feel you around me, but I don’t. It’s like I’m just nothing, nor was I ever. I hate this, and I love you!

My entire soul aches just to be in your presence. We don’t have to talk, we don’t have to touch. Just knowing you are there is all I need. I’ll never get that again and it sucks.

I love you with every fiber of my being. I’ll miss you forever!

Your loving and desperate sister
Carrie

 

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