To my 妹妹

I’m so sorry I failed you.
I miss you and I only just now realize the permanence of your absence.In a way, your timing was impeccable.Choosing to leave us right as your nephew arrived saved mom’s life
As for me, the sheer ecstasy of early postpartum shielded my consciousness from the intense grief, guilt, regret:
I hated how I didn’t bombarded you with baby pictures;
I hated how I said no to hypothetical aunty-baby dates you wanted to go on with your friends and their nieces and nephews;
I hated how I wouldn’t let you touch my then growing belly;
I hate that E will grow up never knowing you.

I wish I was less stuck up, I wished I had a bigger heart to love you more.

I am so sorry. I failed you. I didn’t see your suffering and couldn’t understand it. To be honest I still don’t comprehend it today.

I’m so sorry.

One thought on “To my 妹妹

  1. I lost my brother last April, 9 days after I gave birth to my first child, his niece. I’m so sorry we share this burden, but I find a lot of comfort in knowing someone else has been through something so similar. Thank you for sharing.

    Personally, the ecstasy of postpartum was quickly replaced by postpartum anxiety and depression, and I found it hard to fully bond with my daughter when I was experiencing such an intense loss and watching my mother lose her firstborn- I was scared of how much it would hurt me if I lost my child too.

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