Struggling and Tired

Dear CJ
Im not sure why I am having such a rough time but I am. Miss you so much. Keep thinking of you and everything. Maybe because Ive settled your estate and all that stuff is done. Changed the cemetery flowers. I made them for you. MandD havent been back since the funeral. Im guessing its too hard. My plans on a Friday night is to lock myself in my bedroom and look through pictures and cry. The hardest part is to look at the pictures of us as kids. I seriously just want to forget everything of our childhood so that way I can forget you. I dont want to hang out at M and D’s. I just dont want to remember anything and just pretend I was always an only child as if nothing ever happened. Self preservation I guess. Everything was good growing up and I just want everything to be normal again with you around like you are suppose to be. Not in a grave……
I think about how you got up, fed the cats, grabbed your gun and walked out of your house for the last time. What were you thinking when you drove to the park? Were you at peace? How long did you sit on that bench? Were you at peace? What did you think of when you put the gun to yourself?? Makes me sick to my stomach to think of what was going through your mind. I hope you were at peace. The medical examiner says most people are once they make their decision. I know you didnt want to be stopped because you told NO ONE! I try not to think of any of this but it creeps back into my head. I think about you every day. Im tired of thinking…..so tired. Im tired of my heart aching. Im tired of crying. Im tired of missing you. Im tired of hearing your nephew tell me how much he misses you. Im tired of wanting to turn back time. Im tired of wishing you would have just called me…..one phone call.

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