My little sister

My sister took her life last year 3 days before her 19th birthday. I feel so much shame because I tried to be there for her. She had schizophrenia and have been fighting it for years. The day prior what is my gender reveal for my son. It also was the first day I couldn’t pick her up to take her to Sunday service. I feel so much guilt and having such a good time at my gender reveal and she was suffering so much on top of me not seeing her that day like we normally had planned. After she passed and I helped my dad go through her belongings we found that she had photos of me and my daughter underneath her pillow and all around her room and she has been journaling in the Bible that I had given her two Christmases prior. It still hits me like a brick even though this was last October and and I’m finding it hard to find a support group in my area that’s not 20 or so miles away. I keep replaying our memories and I keep replaying me having to pick out her final outfit because neither of my parents could do it and I’m here in a Walmart parking lot bawling my eyes out because now is when it decided to hit me like a ton of bricks. I understand logically that it’s not my fault that she had this disease in her brain and that she was battling depression on top of it but I still feel like it is my fault in some way.

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