My Brother Killed Himself

On May 20, 2017 I woke up to a knock on the door. I looked out my bedroom window to see a Sheriff driving away. I went downstairs and saw that my parents had left in one of their cars. I decided to prepare breakfast for my little brother. While making eggs I felt the Lord tell me to drop to my knees and pray for my older brother’s soul, not a common occurrence I assure you. I fed my brother and put on the television. Some time later my parents came home and were visibly distraught. My father called a family meeting and had us all sit down. He said “Boys, at 5am this morning your brother Michael shot himself with his pistol.” He took his own life with a Sig Sauer p227 that I had used before for target practice. The Sheriff had asked my mother to identify his corpse in his own backyard. I could feel my soul shatter like glass into a million pieces. I could feel the Lord crying in heaven. I could feel the earth crying as his blood sank into the soil. I could feel my family’s countenance evaporate into nothing. Now I have stomach aches and head aches every day. I went from the Dean’s list in college to failing classes. Michael was 26 years old and in a few years I will be older than he ever was. I don’t really care about anything anymore. I adjusted my expectations of life to zero and now I only hope for the pain in my heart to be a little less tomorrow and the day after that. I thought I would get better but I now realize that the person I once was is no more. I’m an empty shell and my family will forever have a crimson stain.

2 thoughts on “My Brother Killed Himself

  1. My empathy while reading your personal description of Michaels suicide. I am going through the pain and process of grief that you have and continue to move through. My brother Michael took his life by hanging August 28, 2019.
    We don’t know each other but we are in the same pilgrimage with the process of moving through the different stages of grief. Remember the pictures taken and moments of experiences that you both shared. It’s one way of keeping their existence meaningful and loved.

  2. Hello,
    I too can express empathy for you loss. I had a similar reaction in losing interest in life’s trajectory. The only thing I had considered was living. Things change as time goes on. I can only recommend that you bond with your younger brother now and in the future. It was hard for me to bond with anyone after the 1st loss. I had a 2nd more recently and wish I had bonded with this sibling more. I hope you learn to live again, sometimes it takes another person to show you new aspects of life to see that there is more love and life to experience.

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