My brother is gone

I lost my brother to suicide November 17, 2021. I hate that day, I was on my way to work, I had just dropped my 7 year-old son at school, and it’s less than 5 minutes to my work from his school. I am thankful he wasn’t in the car when I got the call. I still don’t want to believe he is gone, it kills me. He was 2 years older than me, how do you get through losing your only sibling??
We had a hard childhood and he had a lot of anger and I’m sure, sadness in him. He has a history of drug use and was a drinker. He’s married and has 14 and 16 year-old kids. The isolation of Covid had a play in this I’m sure, and many other things as well. I talked to him 3-4 times per week, he was my person I would call whenever I was alone in the car. We would call each other just to say hi. I talked to him the night he did this. Every day that passes takes me further away from that last conversation and the last time I saw him.
I have a hard time finding time to grieve, I have 3 and 7 year old boys, a husband and a mother-in-law who lives with us. No one seems to want me to cry. I find some solace when I go hiking and can cry in the mountains. I have reached out to hospice but can’t find any suicide survivor groups to go to, which is what I feel I need.
Everything took a while for his body to go from the coroner to the funeral home. I went and visited him there, it had been 2 weeks already since he had hung himself. I keep picturing the moments that led him up to his decision and it kills me. I just want him back so badly. And it makes me hate this cruel world, how can someone suffer so much that they do this??? When I was in the room with him, he just looked like he was sleeping and any minute would say “boo” and scare me, he didn’t look like he had died. I keep going back to that too, and it gives me relief that I was able to see him, but I still somehow can’t accept that this has happened.
I’m a nurse and I took a leave of absence, I’m supposed to return to work next week. I don’t have anything in me to care for my patients, anything I have is spent on myself and my family. I am trying desperately to find a different job that isn’t direct patient-care, but haven’t found anything yet.
I miss my brother so much. I’m not angry at him for doing this, I just wish I could have supported him more or taken his hurt away from him so that he could have grown old with me. I’m so broken

8 thoughts on “My brother is gone

  1. My situation is so, so similar. Only my brother died on the last day of august last year. If you want someone to talk to, I’d love that. How can I get my email to you?

  2. Sending you all of my AZ love 💗

    My heart and soul feel with you. I know words will never be enough ~ I offer my deepest condolences.

    I lost my brother to suicide in November 6, 2020. Im also a mom to teenager girl (who shared a very close bond with my brother), and had a significant other, at the time. Since my brothers death, I’ve been definitely trying to find others who have lost their sibling suicide. I did find a group of people through a website and app, called actively moving forward (or AMF) ~ Still really missing in person interactions with people who understand too, but the app and virtual groups have been really helpful to have a mirror of sorts, so you don’t feel quire as alone.

  3. First of all, I am deeply sorry for your loss. I understand your pain as I lost my older brother also to suicide 17 years ago in similar circumstances. You need to grief and let all your emotions out (cry, scream, anything that allows a little relief). There is no way to pretend that the pain goes away because it doesn’t, but with time things can and will get better. Hug your children, your husband, your parents, your friends, and even your pets. Don’t feel obligated to go back to work unless you have no choice financially. However don’t allow yourself, as hard as it might be, to seclude yourself from the world around you (specially your little ones). Do baby-steps, go for a walk, meditate, maybe practice yoga, or anything that can help you stay active and allow you to think. Seek professional help – only when you are ready but don’t wait too long. It is important to process your feelings and emotions with a professional. I would give you a hug if I could but instead I send you one and I hope that with time you can learn to heal and to grow and remember your brother for the many good things that he did and the qualities that he had.

    Hang in there friend!

  4. I can relate so much. I am also a nurse and lost my brother (2 years older) to suicide 6 months ago. I have 2 kids, ages 6 & 10. I’m struggling so much still and also trying to get away from the bedside but not sure what to do.

  5. I so feel your pain. I am finally back at work after 6 weeks (I am a nurse too) off due to my brother committing suicide Dec 19, 2021. I came to this site bc I’m having a hard time getting back
    To normal life. I’m back at work, but huge amount of anxiety if faced with doing group things (i couldn’t even attend the New Year’s Day party I planned/paid for with 50 people. My husband pulled it off as I laid locked in my room, horribly anxious, nauseated, and vomiting).
    I do home health (after 20 years of ER and EMS setting). It’s nice bc I can make my own schedule. My company is amazing. I just want to be social without the anxiety again. It’s like wearing “saddest girl in the world” on my face all the time. My brother and I have the same bday, however one year apart. He would have been 50 this year, I’ll be 49. Our boys were supposed to go to the camp we grew up going too as kids, but COVID happened. It’s so hard. Everyone wants you back, but you physically just can’t get there, but you want too.

  6. I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my older sister, Allison, June 6th to suicide. I had moved away from home for a couple years and I just planned a trip to come home around her birthday, July 4th. She knew I would be coming, I feel so guilty for ever leaving her. So selfish.

    We had an open casket for family viewing and when you said it felt like your brother was going to wake up and go “boo” I really related. It still doesn’t feel real. Looking at her sleeping, I didn’t leave her side the entire service. I gave her a kiss on her icy forehead and said I love you.
    I miss her so much, she was the strong one. The accomplished one. She shouldn’t be gone.

  7. I’m so sorry for your loss. My situation is very similar and happened 12 days ago. I am so completely broken and feel like I’ll never be happy again. I can’t breathe or think straight. I don’t know what to do. I’m waiting for a book to come for helping but wondering if I should talk to a therapist. I know I’m not alone in these feelings.

  8. My brother did his November 23,2021 and passed November 27th. Much like you he was my best friend, My person for everything. There was 8 years between us, but that didn’t matter. From the time I came home till the day he left he was my person. I see him, I have his ashes, but it still feels like any second he will walk through my door unannounced or he will call me just to have small talk. I have 3 young kids who just don’t understand. They often ask about their uncle arod and now worry about everyone dying. My youngest was just a month old to the day so every month it is a reminder that she is a month older and hitting milestones and he isn’t here to make a fuss about it. Every month her turning a month older marks another month without him.

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