My Brother I Grew Up With

It’s 5/24/2019 today and I came home to the most unbelieveable of news, my mother told me my brother had committed suicide. He was my younger brother at 29 years old, a week before his 30th birthday. He was only 3 years younger than me so we grew up together. I never had any friends growing up so he was the only person I could talk to, talk about videogames, cartoons, toys, movies, anything.
It’s unbelieveable you are gone. I always imagined you would be the one with a family and kids and do better than me, you were already doing far better than me making more money than I’d ever see in my lifetime, your own apartment, everything.
I don’t know why you did it. Our mother and father are devastated, but more importantly is the impact you had on our younger siblings. Our sister is only 15 years old, she loved you and idolized you, do you know what impact your death will have on her for the rest of her life? Do you realize what it’s like for a 15 year old girl to lose her older brother unexpectedly? Do you realize you caused her depression for the rest of her life? That it’s possible in the future when she feels depressed, she’ll think, “my brother committed suicide, maybe I should do it too.” Seriously, what were you thinking? Were you not thinking of her at all when you did it? You’ll never see her smiling face again, or our brothers, do you realize how much joy you gave them? I would have thought our younger siblings would have been enough to keep you going, they should have been enough.
I’m sitting here in tears as well. Who am I going to talk to for the rest of my life? There was no reason you couldn’t have come here, called us one last time, come over and just stay here at home. Now I’m going to think for the rest of my life how I lost my brother on this date every single day. I’m still in shocked, and as the months and years will go on, I’ll never get over this day.
You had your whole life ahead of you, I’m halfway into my 30’s and know the next 20-30+ years will be completely differently and full of opportunities and change. Taking your life so young is so depressing and a travesty. I don’t know what we’re going to think going forward, but I miss you already and its only been a day. And now I have to think about this for my next 40+ years till I’m 80? God******.
I hope our brother and especially sister can live happy lives. I hope that whereever you are, you know we all miss you and will think of you forever. This had no reason to happen, I’m going to look back on this post decades from now and still be in the same shock I’m in today. I can’t believe the last thing I said to you was, “I’m going to sleep now, so long, I guess you have to leave.” You were happy just a week ago talking about movies/shows, with the family. Why’d you have to make it the last time? I miss you so damn much. Goodbye, Michael, I miss you so much. Our family didn’t have to be split up like this, we had so much going for us. You had so much. Thank you for lending me RE3 of all things just to play through it, now I’m going to remember this as the last thing you sent to me. Feels like a dream.
I’m going to go to bed and wish I could see you tomorrow but I know I won’t. Why. Why. If you can somehow read this or see the family, you were the best. I hope we’ll be reunited someday, I pray to God there is an afterlife. LOVE YOU.

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3 Responses to My Brother I Grew Up With

  1. Lauren Davis says:

    It was 4 years ago yesterday that my brother took his own life. I have been where you have been and felt the deepest devastation and shock (No one saw it coming). I can tell you that although it seems impossible, the shock does slowly lift; one day you won’t feel so suffocated by the grief. It never goes away but it changes and you become better at living with it.

    • Kiersten Klinger says:

      Hi Lauren, my brother took his life 2 years ago on May 31. I’m currently drowning in the grief and devastation tonight. For you, when were you able to get better at living with it?

      In this moment it feels like that pain and hurt will never lift.

      • Donal says:

        Hi,my younger brother also took his life and sadly the grief doesn’t go away,we distract ourselves but thoughts creep in,mostly when we are alone.at least that’s my experience.although they are gone we have to know that they were in tremendous anguish and saw no other way out,i’m not making excuses for it but i can at times empathise with how they must have felt,my brother suffered for a number of years,he numbed the pain with prescription pills and some meds that weren’t legal,i actually think it was the ones given by “medical professionals that did the most damage,anyway before i get rambling all i can say is i’m sorry for what we all lost,we are truly not alone in how we feel,i’ve decided to do live a little more on my brothers behalf and hope he’s happier where ever he is,travelling the universe and away from the demons that gripped him tight and dragged him down.Stay strong and know we are out here thinking of you and everyone else in our situation

        Dónal

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