J, you killed yourself and your pain on October 5, 2021. You have been memorialized, your ashes safe in the house where your widow and 2 of your children still live. We were five strong, with you, the last to come, always the beloved favorite. Our love could not save you, our trying did not save you. How can it be that for months this summer, you were finally happy, you were planning trips, contacting roofers, then getting Covid – you stopped calling, stopped answering our emails and calls. Your last words to me were “I’m so tired, Is. Just so tired.” We are still trying to save you. We can’t yet make sense, let go, stop asking each other what happened. We are caring for our sister, your wife, and your children and grands but we miss you to distraction. We were five, now we are 4. I sense your peace, I sense our lack of. You are out of pain, we couldn’t save you. At the end, you didn’t want to be saved. Free will is hard to bear. You are loved and wanted and someday we will perhaps stopped being shocked but we are still 5 in our hearts, little brother.