I’m Sorry.

I miss my little brother so much. He took an overdose just over a year ago. He was always the cool, funny one. He was always my favourite. He was so creative an clever and used to make me really nice things. Candlesticks, a carved stone, drawings…. Really thoughtful person. I just miss him a lot.
I keep thinking though, of every time I said something that hurt him. Or made him sad. Things when we were children and when we were older. He was really sensitive I think. And I keep feeling so incredibly guilty for leaving him alone when I left home. Home was always pretty claustrophobic and when I left, about 9 years ago now, I somewhat selfishly sunk myself into a new life, and didn’t speak to my family much including him and I dont know why. It was round about that time that he started to get depressed. I wish he knew that I really loved him and was proud of him so much.
I always thought he was going to be just fine, that he would pull through. I imagined him hanging out with me and my friends, us being older and having our own houses. I always pictured him in my life.
And then I feel so guilty because maybe I didn’t take it seriously enough. He tried once before and I told myself it was a cry for help and he didn’t really mean to do it. I didn’t listen enough. I wasn’t kind enough. I didn’t listen enough. Wasn’t there enough.
I loved him so much, but I never really made sure he knew. Did he know?? I’ve no idea. I just miss him a lot and hate that he felt so alone and stuck. I hate that I left him alone all those years ago, and just was waiting for the point that he would follow, but it was too long.
I also keep wondering things I can’t know the answer to… Was he abused in that time? Did something really bad happen? I keep having dreams where something has happened to him and I haven’t helped him.
I miss him so much.

2 thoughts on “I’m Sorry.

  1. I have some of those same sorrows as you. I would gather what he made for you and a pic or few. Just lie down and relax. Light a candle. Think of you best memories with him. Ask him to tell you a song that tells you how he feels about you. Hopefully that little voice in your head- so say it’s God….you may get some random song in your head then or later. I got “How Deep Is Your Love”. I really don’t think you/we really realize how much we are truely, purely loved by our brothers. I think they would do anything to ease the anguish and pain they cause their families. I suck that one time took them away forever. We must some how face it and go on with them giving us strength from above. Try my lil ritual- I am not any person that practices any magical stuff. I am just sharing with you what has brought me peace. Oh & I don’t know your name or your bro but I guarantee he loves you 100%. My best wishes for you having good days ahead.🌟

  2. I feel the same; never ending questions, anger, anguish, and complete devastation. Did you want to hurt your family so deeply or was it truly pain that drove you to it? Because to think it was an act committed to inflict pain on your loved ones means you had malicious evil inside of you. I am afraid that might explain more about who you became and your state of mind than anyone would like to admit. I want to remember the good because you were always so special to me and I can’t believe you didn’t know you were special. You had a smile that was full of mischief and such an endearing quality, but you didn’t know that did you? You were my special little guy and I decided to teach you a lesson and make you apologize and you never did. I know you knew it was wrong and I know it had to haunt your conscience, but you never reached out to me. Why??? Did you hate me??? Did you really mean the things you said??? You could have stood up? You didn’t have to do it with Mom and our brother watching TV in the living room. You could have done it when you were alone, but instead you waited until they came home. Then you went to the garage where Mom likes to smoke her cigarettes in the cold, and where she does laundry daily and hung yourself in a manner that lets us know that you chose death. Because you could have stood up at any time and you had a half smile on your face. Was that because you were relieved from constant pain or finally with Dad and Uncle Vince and Sean now. Or are you laughing at us? The fools that love you, but never enough to keep you alive.

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