Everyday I hurt for you. It’s only been two weeks…..My emotions are all over the map….sadness and grief, anger, guilt, disappointment, relief….but always love, regardless of the past.
I am sad that you never lived…you never experienced happiness and all the good things that life had to offer as an adult–love, travel, kids, a warm loving home, a career, a new car, pedicures, holidays, family. I am sad that you were alone. I am angry that whenever anyone, including mom and I, tried to help, you pretty much spit in our faces and chose to do the wrong things in life. I am angry that you chose the drugs and lied to us over and over again. I am angry that you hurt mom and me all over again….. I am guilty because I wonder what I could have done differently. Maybe I should have kept you here with us, but I couldn’t….. I set you up in apartment that was the nicest thing that you ever had in your life! I furnished it! All you had to do was show up and live. I am guilty because I was angry with you leading up to your death, even when I was helping you. Could I have been kinder? I am guilty because I should have hugged you that last day. I wanted to, but you had a bad cold. I didn’t want to get sick…but I should have hugged you. I still can hear you telling me you loved me. I am guilty because I got that apartment for you. Did I send you to your death???? I ask myself that every single day, even when you told me that you were going to be ok. I am disappointed because I wanted to help you and give you the things that you didn’t have. I am relieved that you aren’t under the influence of those damned drugs. I hate what they did to you. You aren’t hurting anymore. You aren’t sad anymore. I am relieved that I don’t have to worry about you anymore–and that makes me even more guilty! You said this world had nothing for you. I beg to differ….all you had to do was allow me to help you.
But in the end, I love you…no matter how hurt and angry I am, I love you. You were my sister…..although we were both so different, I love you. I hated the shell of a person you became because of the drugs. That was not you. I know you loved mom, me, my sons…..but life was too much and you were tired.
I hope you have found the peace that you needed. I hope that you are once again whole in body, mind and spirit.
I love you, my big sister. Until we meet again…..
–your little sister, Kristi Lynn