Everyday I hurt for you. It’s only been two weeks…..My emotions are all over the map….sadness and grief, anger, guilt, disappointment, relief….but always love, regardless of the past.
I am sad that you never lived…you never experienced happiness and all the good things that life had to offer as an adult–love, travel, kids, a warm loving home, a career, a new car, pedicures, holidays, family. I am sad that you were alone. I am angry that whenever anyone, including mom and I, tried to help, you pretty much spit in our faces and chose to do the wrong things in life. I am angry that you chose the drugs and lied to us over and over again. I am angry that you hurt mom and me all over again….. I am guilty because I wonder what I could have done differently. Maybe I should have kept you here with us, but I couldn’t….. I set you up in apartment that was the nicest thing that you ever had in your life! I furnished it! All you had to do was show up and live. I am guilty because I was angry with you leading up to your death, even when I was helping you. Could I have been kinder? I am guilty because I should have hugged you that last day. I wanted to, but you had a bad cold. I didn’t want to get sick…but I should have hugged you. I still can hear you telling me you loved me. I am guilty because I got that apartment for you. Did I send you to your death???? I ask myself that every single day, even when you told me that you were going to be ok. I am disappointed because I wanted to help you and give you the things that you didn’t have. I am relieved that you aren’t under the influence of those damned drugs. I hate what they did to you. You aren’t hurting anymore. You aren’t sad anymore. I am relieved that I don’t have to worry about you anymore–and that makes me even more guilty! You said this world had nothing for you. I beg to differ….all you had to do was allow me to help you.
But in the end, I love you…no matter how hurt and angry I am, I love you. You were my sister…..although we were both so different, I love you. I hated the shell of a person you became because of the drugs. That was not you. I know you loved mom, me, my sons…..but life was too much and you were tired.
I hope you have found the peace that you needed. I hope that you are once again whole in body, mind and spirit.
I love you, my big sister. Until we meet again…..
–your little sister, Kristi Lynn
2 thoughts on “FOR MY SISTER JERRI”
Ohhh I can relate. It was my beloved brother. Drugs, apartment, no hug as usual the last time I saw him. He was worn, tired, couldn’t see his place in this world. In the end he has real struggles some in his control others not in his control at all. He survived to 40 years of age. Oh the guilt and helplessness to fix him. I hope he is finally peace. What I wouldn’t do for that last hug and conversation but I can’t take it back. I can relate dear friend. You are not alone. Choose to be better, not bitter. It’s a battle but it can be won. Much love to You!!! ?❤❤ i miss him every day. Our family is in turmoil.
Thank you so much. We spread her ashes this weekend on her husband’s grave. It was exactly what she wanted. The drugs…the drugs were in her soul. My sister lived to be 51, but I hate to say it…she was truly living. I am choosing to be better, not bitter. Very well said. I miss her every day. I have some voice messages on my phone from her and when I want to hear her, I can. I only have my mom, who is 81, left. She has been remarkably strong. She lives with me and my two sons. I know that my sister is once again whole in body, mind and spirit and resting in peace now. Sending you hugs and lots of love. God bless….