For my older brother

Dear S,
There is not a day that goes by where you are not on my mind in one way or another. This May will be two years since your death. I wish I could say that your death has somehow made me a better or stronger person but thats just not the case. I am still broken, I am still coping, still trying to find new meaning in life after whatever my previous life was got shattered to bits.
How is it possible to live your entire life with someone and then in an instant have them ripped from you entirely? You were always someone I looked up to growing up and even into my adult years. You were the smarter, funnier, weirder older brother and I wish I could look you in the eyes now and tell you just how much you fucking mean to me.
The note you left you mentioned how you saw me as the bigger more mature sibling, how you looked up to me in a lot of ways, how you were tired of fighting, to take care of mom. I’m doing my best but some days it just really weighs down on me.
You were supposed to be there through all the milestones in my life. You were supposed to be there cracking jokes and playing guitar through all the hard times. You were supposed to be there.
I’m still here and I’m still fighting but sometimes I wish that I would wake up from this bad dream and see you and hug you and tell you just how much i’ve missed you.

3 thoughts on “For my older brother

  1. Lost my brother too. It’s hell but we have to manage our pain. They don’t want us to suffer cause they love us!! Time teaches us to “manage” our pain. Situations like this are hard to find peace!! We loved them and they loved us! That will NEVER change. Take care! ❤

  2. My brother took his life 3 weeks ago and in the note he said the same thing yours did. He was the older one so I looked up to him, I even attempted suicide myself when I was 16. But after that I never wanted to try again. He saw what it did to my family and he still chose to do this. He wrote that he envy’s me for all I’ve gotten through and that I’m strong enough to get through this but I’m not. I am so sorry for you, and for both of us. I hope time will heal these wounds at least a little bit. You are not alone.

    1. Thanks for your reply, kinda crazy that I got on here for the first time in over half a year and I see your post from a couple days ago! Three weeks is really fresh and I know you’re going through a lot right now. Be kind to yourself.

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