Dear John – 14 Years Later

Dear John,

Or should I say “Hey Dude…wuzzz up???” Hard to believe it has been almost 14 years since you left us. While the pain isn’t as heavy and the grief isn’t as constant, we still miss you. We miss everything that you could have been a part of and haven’t been able to be. For example, my graduations – yes, both of them! Buying my first (and second and third) homes. Remember when we never thought we would have a home of our own? My wedding – it wasn’t quite the same without you there physically. Did you know that there was a point I had thought about asking you to walk me down the aisle? I don’t know if I ever told you that…

You know, I think you and Marco would get along – lots of things in common. I wish I knew what you thought of him. I wish you two could spend time together. I wish you could be here for the other life events that you should be a part of – the birth of your niece or nephew (God-willing), our parents moving into their golden years, their passing (although I guess technically you will be there to meet them). I know you watch over all of us, especially mom and dad. I have received your messages from various places. But it’s still not the same as talking to you. Seeing you – hugging you. Those are the things that I will always miss and will never go away.

Wherever you are, I hope that you have found peace. I hope that you are able to witness all the wonderful things that we are going through and share in them in some way. I hope that you are happy. And one day, I hope you can tell me all about it… “Till we meet again in heaven”.


Your sister

3 thoughts on “Dear John – 14 Years Later

  1. Thank you for sharing this!! You touched on so many things that I often share with my brother in the letters that I write to him. He and I always called each other “dude”, I’ve told him how I wish he could know that man that is in my life now as I know he’d really like him and I tell him how much I wish he would be here to grow old with me when our parents are gone.

    I’m always amazed at how similar our sibling grief experiences are… it’s comforting to read the words of others to know that I’m not the only one feeling this way.

    Thanks for sharing!!

  2. Hi Laura,

    Wow – when I read your letter to your brother Brian, I felt like I was talking to John. It brought tears to my eyes – even 14 years later. I know exactly how you feel. I lost my brother at his 18-years old; I can’t image losing him at 35 years-old. We had always talked about living together – we never had that chance. I imagine that if we had had more time together, it would have been very similar to you and Brian. I saw your blog and I think it is amazing – such courage and strength. There is a wonderful quote that says “Grief is like a boulder on your shoulders; it never goes away but as the years go on, you get stronger.” In time, the boulder of grief won’t seem as heavy. For me, I would say the grief has not gone away, but as the years have gone on, I am stronger and better able to handle it. I think that timeframe is different for everyone, so keep doing what you’re doing. For me, what really helped were going to survivors of suicide groups in the first few years. It allowed me to talk to others who had a similar loss to me. I hope you are doing what is helping you find peace during this difficult time. Thank you for sharing your beautiful letter.


  3. Hi Danielle, sorry to hear your sad news, my little brother died late last year from cancer aged 22, and we are still grieving. Last year was so tough for him, and i am glad to have had him in my life for as long as i did. Talk about her as much as you can to nice people and spend your time with good friends and family.

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