Brother

When i was 16 and brother ( a long time nickname) was 10, daddy died of cancer. he and mom had had a rough last year relationship. anyway. i grew up fast and strong. i had to. by the tine i was 19, i had moved into my own place and was living the adult life. brother…however was still at home…maybe 15 or sixteen…not sure of first date…but i got a call when i was 21 at my apartment…my mom screaming saying,” he did it!!”. well no one told me anything prior…so half awake i say ” what? really mom? its 6 am!?!” apparently brother had tried before but no one told me. like i said…i had to be strong. i was the daddy. anyway…she saved him…he did the therapy…took them pills…and life went on…like so many others, the pills worked…thinking they were cured. no. a year later…brother hung himself in my old room. skipped school…and hung himself. i have questions. i know the answers…he was disturbed…blah blah…he missed daddy…blah blah. now its affecting me. its been 8 yrs…but i wanna know. im an alcoholic now. i blame it on daddy and brother…but yea right.

Jamie

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One Response to Brother

  1. Magdaline says:

    Jamie, my deepest sympathy for your loss. I know only too well the pain you feel and also the responsibility of being the older, responsible one. When my brother died, I felt like it was my fault. That I didn’t protect him. In time, I came to find that it was his illness, not my irresponsibility, that led to his death. Suicide is linked to mental illness and just like cancer, we cannot hold our loved ones accountable for their actions within this disease.

    As an aside, I grew up in an alcoholic household and have found much help and healing through the Al-Anon Family Groups. I would encourage you to consider going to Alcoholics Anonymous – you may find some experience, strength, and hope that can get you through this and help you with your disease (and yes, alcoholism too is a family disease). I am affected by it as much as my father and mother. There is no shame in this and the beautiful thing is that there is help out there.

    If nothing else, I encourage you to consider finding a Survivors of Suicide support group in your area. Those meetings were a tremendous help to me when grieving my brother’s loss. Both the American Association of Suicidology and the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention have meeting locations on their home page. I hope this is of some help to you – as we say in Al-Anon, take what you like and leave the rest. You will be in my thoughts!

    Magda

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