I miss you

I am one of four. My younger brother tragically ended his life in July – fifteen weeks and four days ago to be precise. And the thought of another 15 days, 15 weeks, 15 years without him… terrifies me. There’s this huge void in our lives, that only he could fill. Nothing feels the same anymore and it never will again. We are now incomplete and will never be whole again. And in a way, I don’t want to be complete again. Because it would be like my brother never existed, wouldn’t it? Even if it means spending the rest of my life grieving for my lost brother, I’d rather do that than ignore his existence. Because he did exist and his memory still lives on in me and the rest of his family.
I sometimes ‘forget’ what has happened and then suddenly it all comes flooding back. I can’t really explain it but it’s as if none of this ever happened and then something will remind me of it all and then I remember what has happened and it all hits me. Maybe it’s my bodies way of trying to stop the hurting. Because it really hurts. To lose someone you love so unexpectedly… there are no words. I still can’t believe it. Just thinking about it, causes so much anxiety. Knowing I’ll never grow old with my brother… knowing things will never be how they were meant to be. But I just want to say to my brother, I don’t blame you, of course I miss and love you and I wish I could have saved you but I don’t blame you. In fact I think you are strong and brave, not only for facing your demons for so long, but having the courage to carry out what you did. That must’ve took some strength. I just hope you’re happy wherever you are now and that you watch over us and guide us until we see you again. I’ll always love you and you’ll never be forgotten. Because for as long as I live, I’ll talk about you and remember you with pride. Goodnight Brother, until we meet again. xxx

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