They say grief comes in waves, neatly transitioning between each phase. Sadness, anger, confusion… They lied. It’s all of it, all at once hitting you in the face. Each wave crashing on top of you like it’s the first time you heard.
It’s been over a year now and I haven’t found the strength to find peace. Instead I find more questions, more painful memories, more sadness. The most traumatic and painful event in my life was your death. My older sister – so beautiful, loving, artistic. We met the day before and you had hope – you had a plan to leave him and get better for you and for your son. Then just like that, fast forward just a few hours and your gone. Did you not believe that so many people love you and would do anything to show you how you look in their eyes? And now in the wake of your tragedy, someone else took their life because they couldn’t handle the world without you. Now there’s two beautiful lost souls. Two families crashing through guilt, grief, sadness…. everything. If you only knew how loved you are.
Subject: I love you brother
I can’t figure out why you would do this. Today of all days my birthday why didn’t you just call me why didn’t you just talk to me last week you said you’d never do this and that you were doing better for yourself. What happened?? I love you man. I am mad at you too. I just want you back I want to wake up and talk to you. I will miss you and our adventures.
My dearest older brother. How I love you, how I miss you. It has only been 4 hours since I found out you took your own life. Why didn’t you talk to me? Why didn’t you let us help you? The pain is so unreal I don’t know if I can take it. Our grandmother crumbled to the ground and still cant stop from sobbing uncontrollably. Why would you do this to her? To me? To our siblings, parents, grandparents and friends? We all love you more than words can describe. The pain is worse than anything I have ever experienced. I miss you so much my big brother, I wish I could see you, hug you, hear your voice. You are deeply missed and we will always love and remember you. ❤ please know you will never ever be forgotten. I hope the after life treats you better then the world did. I love you soooo much and I still can’t believe you are gone. my heart is truly broken. Love your baby sister, Amanda.
I’m at a loss for words. Your wake and funeral are coming up in a few days. It’s only day two without you but I still feel like it isn’t real. Like you will be coming in the doors soon. You used to come sit and talk to me all the time. Always ask me for hugs. I still feel like I didn’t hug you enough. I wasn’t there for you enough. I wish I could tell you I love you one more time. I just wanna hold you and talk to you. You dropped me off at work and went to our favorite place and committed suicide. I just don’t understand. I can’t process it. I can’t let you go. I’m sorry I wasn’t there enough, I’m sorry I’ve been so angry at you recently over something so stupid. I feel like I could have done more. I might still have you here. I feel so guilty. I love you b, more than words could ever explain.
My brother Wayne was kind and gentle soul. Had an awesome personality and a great sense of humour. My dad passed away eight years ago from a heart attack and Wayne found him. I think this created a downward spiral which just led him on the wrong path of drugs etc. On 27 September he shot himself because his work found out his was buying drugs in the company vehicle. He couldn’t face them so it got all too much. I miss him terribly each day but what breaks my heart is how it has affected my mom. She used to be the most positive human being and my rock and to watch her suffer just kills me. So you go through all the emotions of blame, guilt, loss, pain and tears and then try pick yourself up and try carry on. I miss you so much Wayne, the laughs and the chats. Just hope you are at peace wherever you may be. Love Dale
To my sweet brother
The love of my life
Even when I was a little girl I just wanted to be around you all the time. Always wanted to see what adventure you were up too always so much fun and interesting things.
We laugh at all the same things the same people and get to be angry with each other and still love
Each other sometimes each others only friend.
When we would go on holidays and be stuck in the back of the truck for 19 hours straight drawing a line in the seat and if anyone crossed it they would get the living shit kicked out of them.
And the time u asked me if poop floats. When i went to the other side of the dock it was floating in the water.
I wish I could of taken all the pain away for you. You were so successful and the pressures of life got to you as with anyone else. And what a sweet romantic always putting on your best show for the ladies you loved. I will live on for you my sweet love your heart your beautiful face and your sensitive heart. The anger I will le go for you, don’t worry my love I will show you the world as you live in my heart. Your with me in my heart in my days we live together forever. Your laugh echos in my head and your liveliness still so picture perfect in my mind.
The pain I feel I will try to form to happiness for your rest and painless rest. You always made me proud. I love you now, then, i will love you forever. My sweet sweet brother. Thank you for always being there for me.
Love your only sister Kimmy
Our mother left us too young, I know. However, you were already an angry child which I noticed being ten years older than you. I too became very angry after how she left us. I noticed your anger and your denial even when you thought no one cared. After we “grew up” I thought you had made peace. You had a band you had friends you were COOL you were for once smiling.
I grew up and I eventually let you go. You surprised us all that night after many years of UPS. God bless you. I’m sorry that I did not feel your pain I wished that you let me carry. I’m sorry that I was raising my own child at the time you needed me me most and I did not make healing your life long hurt my priority. Do know that I see you, feel, you, love you every day. A shattered broken life lost too soon.
My little brother spent 19 agonizing years here before he threw himself in front of a tractor trailer.
Why God do you instill such sufferages that only a handful of the population “get”?
People tell me to get over it or oh, that’s so sad move on.
5 years strong But really…get over it… how?
Okay so it been 3 years now on June 14 since my big brother Matt died and I’m going through hell with this because i miss him so much because he was not only my brother but he was my best friend and not having him is hard because he was always there for me when i need him of when people were mean to me and i just miss him so much because people are so mean to me and kinda make fun of me because of his death and they blame me for his death and I just wish he was here because i miss him and i want all this to end and i just wish that hadn’t of committed suicide because now i have no one to go to when I’m having troubles and all this breaking me bit by bit and i just wish i knew why why he killed himself because now i wish i could have helped him because God do i miss him so much!!!!!! 🙁 🙁
Samantha, I miss you. I wish I could see you again, I wish I could call you to talk, I wish so many things for us both…. but now its just me. I know its been 11 yrs you’ve been gone now but i do see you in different places in my life. I see you as a red tailed hawk who visits the place i live. I see you in people standing on the side of the road waiting for a bus. I see you in your friends and peers as they struggle through life, like you could’ve been, should’ve be….I see your personality in other people but don’t know how to deal with it, if it were you acting like that I’d react differently but now when I see it I have to deal with the grief that its not you acting like that… its tough, no one understands the loss, the hurt, the longing to see you and hug you and have you in my life again. I miss you. I love you. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed me the most but I hope now that your on the other side I know your spirit will be there for me when i need it the most. I need you.
I feel so sad for ho much u suferred. And for how u were so alone in the end. And for how long it took u to die in your confused state.
Yoru brain was so disturbed that u though twe were against u, but, in fact, we all loved u dearly.
Just feeling teary today about your suferring with schizoaffective disorder.
Love u. I hope that the God u rejected has taken u into his arms anyway, being merciful beyond measure. I hope u r in a more peaceful place.