It’s Thanksgiving today. Me mom dad and Nonna are going to Zia’s like we usually do. Last year we had Thanksgiving at our house. Remember Peter brought his motorcycle over to show us? You were happy that day. I loved your happy days. It felt like I had you back on your good days.
Today is hard. Really hard. Part of me keeps going through the list of things I am thankful far and part of me doesn’t want to do this without you.
I am forever thankful I had you. I will always be so grateful to God that I was blessed to have you as a sister. You loved me so much. I loved you with all of who I was. Many don’t ever experience that. So I am grateful that I did, that you showed me what the lovely a sister feels like.
My little sister.
It was my job to protect you. So many times I feel like I failed you as a big sister.
But you had demons that even I couldn’t fight.
It’ll be 5 months tomorrow.
Tell Vavo and Laura I say hi. We miss them too. So much.
It hurts so bad Jess.
I love you Jechi,
I miss you so much, you don’t even know. It’s almost been a month dude, I still can’t believe you’re actually gone. I wish I never left for college, I was gone for not even a month, if I knew one month would mean you gave up, I would have stayed home and take care of you like I always had. You are the oldest, you told me you were never going to leave me. What happened to all your promises? You said you’d visit me in New York. You said you’d take me on an adventure. You promised me you would never leave the way Sarah did, that you would never put us through the same pain that Sarah put through you. You took on everyone’s demons yet that just gave yours an army that you could not fight.
For ten years I was taking care of you, helping you, I stayed up all night taking care of you trying to help you through those thoughts, even when I was dealing with my own. I was only eight years old when I started trying to save you. I made sure mom and dad couldn’t tell you were high, I helped you seem semi-functional. I guess that was my fault. Maybe if they knew when things were just starting out maybe then you would still be here, but how was I supposed to know what is helpful, I was so little and you were my everything, besides mom and dad were never around, so I had to become the mom. I thought I was doing what was best for you. It worked for awhile, ten years I spent with you, I rolled you over when you drank too much, I made sure you didn’t do anything stupid when you were high, once I got my license I drove you to work so you wouldn’t lose your job, I made you seem sober when mom got home so she wouldn’t scream at you.
The day I left for college you were high and trying to start fights with my mom. I was so angry with you. The drive across the country I kept thinking about how when I come home you better be sober. I was so pissed at you and I am so sorry. That was the last time I saw you, and as I hugged you goodbye, it was a reluctant hugged, I should have given you an actual hug. I should have told you I love you more than the world and how 2,000 miles isn’t really that far with all the technology we have. I wish I never left. I wish I stayed to care for you. I’m sorry I was so selfish to leave. Didn’t you know how much I love and need you?
The family back home is falling apart, we all need you to wake up. The person I saw at the viewing is not you, I don’t know who he is, but he isn’t you. I need you. I’m your baby sister, you were supposed to keep hurt and pain away from me, you said so. Now, what do I say when people ask about my siblings. It has always been two older two younger and I’m the only girl. Do I still include you like you never left us or do I just say it’s the four of us? Baby Alan had his 14th birthday the day after your viewing and service. You should have been there for him, he needed you. You were two weeks away from your 25th birthday, you had the whole world ahead of you. Your friends had to give us the presents they got you. I got your Dragonball z necklace. I should not have it, Niki got it for you, not me.
I hope you don’t hurt anymore. I hope you find peace. I don’t believe in heaven or anything and I know you didn’t either, but I sure hope you’re not suffering anymore, you went through too much while living here. Antoni, I just want you to know how much I love you, and I’m sorry I couldn’t save you. I thought you were strong enough to last a semester at a time. I guess let you down. I miss you Tonio so much, more than you would ever know. I love you, you were and are my world and inspiration I just wish you didn’t end your story this way.
Love your little baby sister…
It’s been a little over a month since you made the very poor drug induced decision that you’d be better off dead and I don’t think I’ll go a single day without thinking of you for the rest of my life. You were only 19 you didn’t need to feel like such a failure you were still young and had so much life a head of you. You had drug addictions but you also had family here to help you why did you have to seek help in those shitty friends of yours and most of all the biggest question in my head and confusion still to this day is WHY DID YOUR FRIENDS LET YOU SLEEP. Why didn’t they just take you to the hospital or call the cops when you told them you had taken a weeks worth of dad’s prescription pills. I’m leaving this “what if” and “if only” road and finally just trying to live with the fact that there’s nothing I can do now and you’re gone. I will miss you forever brother. I didn’t even recognize that sweet face at your funeral. nobody there did. you were just an empty shell of what you once were but I will remember you always as my little brother that loved his family and would kill for us. this is the worst pain of my life. I love and miss you Josh.
That I couldn’t save you from them and I’m sorry I blew you off the night that you called me. I didn’t know that it would be the last time I would hear your voice. I hope you are at peace. I can only imagine what a living hell you were in as I’ve dealt with my own demons, the demons of depression. I hope I see you again because I miss you so much. Hey, if you could give my children a kick in the butt too for treating their mother so poorly. Also, would you tell mom to lighten up, she remains impossible. Todd, I love you and I never got a chance to tell you how much. Forever, Sissie
It was forty years ago today that my brother left me and my family. I can’t believe where the years went. I went to his grave today, like I do every year, and brought a lawn chair and smoked one of his pipes and talked to him like I always do. He would have been 68 this year and I think of all the things we missed doing together. My brother Jimmy was an old soul, he was 28, had a handle bar mustache, smoked a pipe and could talk to you about any subject, I think that’s what I miss the most, our talks. I was 17 and we would talk about everything, sports, history, science, girls, everything a older brother passes on to a little brother. And when he was gone there was a hole. So forty years later I still go to the cemetery and talk to my big brother and tell him that I still miss him and love him and hope that he’s looking down smoking a nice Peterson and petting our dog Tushie, and making sure I live a good life and being a good mentor like he was to me.
it’s not the things you did back when we were kids
it’s not the way that you died it’s the way that you lived
it’s the gifts you had to give and your generous soul
it was big brother jedi knight mind control
had me spellbound idolizing you and your friends
made you tell me all the same jokes again and again
and as I rewind time to way back then
I recall what it was about you
the problem with you is no one else will do
It’s more than thirty years now that you’ve been gone
and it’s taken me that long to write this song
I understand your actions whether right or wrong
but that doesn’t help me move on or be strong
I remember when the cops came to our front door
telling us they found your body but they weren’t sure
had to check the dental records to make an exact match
nineteen months of questions answered just like that
the problem with you is no one else will do
the problem with you is there’s no one else like you
the problem is I can’t get you out of my mind
even after all this time
people tell me let you go but I don’t know how
I have nightmares can’t seem to slow those down
I’ve been to the woods where you did the deed
and found more of your remains there beneath the trees
I confess I have a vertebrae of yours in a drawer
it’s morbid for sure but it’s you and it’s pure
I’ve been a hot mess ever since you left
post traumatic stress or just depressed I guess
I try to hide behind hard work and jokes
on bad days they go up in smoke
honestly it’s fucked up the way it all went down
with no answers or closure or peace to be found
the problem isn’t just your decision to quit
the problem is you left me here to live with it
the problem with you is there’s no one else like you
The weight of my regrets is crushing and suffocating me. I am selfish because I know it does not even compare to what you were feeling. I miss you so much.
I am afraid to sleep, because I dream of you. In my dreams, I reach you in time, you are safe and you are coming home. Or you are living the life you should’ve had. I talk to you about silly things, and you give me one of those great big bear hugs. Then I wake up and I feel the excruciating loss all over again.
I wish you knew you could have come home. I should have called you and told you that. I got so caught up in my own crap that I took it for granted you would always be here.
It’s been 504 days. It’s changed me. I spend every waking moment trying to keep my mind off you and that day. I picture what you might have looked like when you were found. Were you crying when you did it or were you just ready. I can’t get Mom’s scream out of my head or her crumpled on the floor. I can’t focus when talking to others. My mind wanders 30 seconds into any conversation I have. My ability to retain anything said or read is now gone.
People seem to forget what I am going through and what I have lost. A part of me died with you that day. Some days it’s a struggle to get out of bed and function. But I am made to feel like I am lazy and a bad mom. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to accept it. I am not ready to face it. I want my little brother back.
I hope you are at peace. Our sister thinks you are. I wish I believed in something, so I could think that, too.
I love you, always.
I wish you could have waited a little longer, be more patient but again I didn’t really feel the actual pain. I have been angry with you for too long now. Today I choose to forgive you. I hope life is much better where you at. I hope you are not experiencing any form of suffering, you had your fair share. Beura and I are doing just fine, it took time but we leaned on God and we still are. I love you guys.
Dear Little Sissy,
All our life we never got along. I was all ways the mother we lacked. When you had anxiety I’m 22nd free and plucked your eyebrows I told our teachers. When I knew you were doing drugs in high school I texted you (on mom’s phone) and called you to come home at night, pretending it was an emergency. When we were adults I would tell you to leave your boyfriend to have a better life because he never change. When he killed himself, I tried to push you to move on and let go of his things. But I should have never played the role of mom. Though ours sucked , my role was a sister. A support system. A friend. Someone to confied in, someone to trust. You had a hard life, harder than I will ever know. I regret so much. I wish I would have told you I wanted you alive. I wish that on my birthday I wouldn’t have asked why you were so happy, because every time you were happy something messed up happens. I was worried because in the past your bipolar disorder would take over and you would do something like crash your car into someone’s car or their house. I wish I would have been more sensitive to your situation . I wish I would have been more of an advocate for you to our parents, instead of trying to do the job for them. I wish I would have stood up for you when our mom was talking advantage of you. I wish so many things after your death , but most of all that you’re happy in your afterlife. I loved you like a sister and a daughter. I wish you nothing but peace.
They say grief comes in waves, neatly transitioning between each phase. Sadness, anger, confusion… They lied. It’s all of it, all at once hitting you in the face. Each wave crashing on top of you like it’s the first time you heard.
It’s been over a year now and I haven’t found the strength to find peace. Instead I find more questions, more painful memories, more sadness. The most traumatic and painful event in my life was your death. My older sister – so beautiful, loving, artistic. We met the day before and you had hope – you had a plan to leave him and get better for you and for your son. Then just like that, fast forward just a few hours and your gone. Did you not believe that so many people love you and would do anything to show you how you look in their eyes? And now in the wake of your tragedy, someone else took their life because they couldn’t handle the world without you. Now there’s two beautiful lost souls. Two families crashing through guilt, grief, sadness…. everything. If you only knew how loved you are.