I’m sorry

My love my sis,
How could this have ever happened? We thought we were flying, and turns out we were digging ourselves a grave. Ever since you left, it is as if I am only half here. Never fully.
Perhaps we were too close, perhaps not close enough. I know I wasn’t the kind of sister you needed. You deserved. I was self centered and stupid. Blinkers on eyes.
I am sorry. please forgive me. It was my fault for calling you that day. I am still angry with our father for what happened. I don’t think it will ever go away completely. I am angry with our mother for being so blind. So uncaring of one she presumed to love so much. How could we all be so irresponsible toward you?
We are still alive, that’s a miracle. Your presence is still there in our home, the garden. It keeps us alive.
I lost every thing I thought I wanted, when I lost you. It hasn’t come back. I lost my story. I am glad. I want no story without you in it.
I love you very much. I no longer believe in after lives. But if in the throes of dying, oxygen deprived and hallucinating, I get to see you (?), that would be bliss. I hope life is kind.

Miss You Rabbit

Theresa,
Next week it will be 11 years since you left us. My baby sister, only 13 years young what did you know about pain and life that would have caused you to take yours? I was supposed to be your big sister. I was supposed to protect you. Why didn’t I know what you were thinking? Why couldn’t I see the signs? I’m sorry I failed you as a sister and friend. I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you like a big sister should be able too. 11 years I have almost live your whole life again but this time without you. I will never forget you. I will always miss you until the day I die. I just wanted to say I’m sorry that I didn’t do anything more. I’m sorry I failed you. Until we meet again beautiful angel. I will love you for eternity and more.
❤️❤️❤️

My best friend

My beautiful baby sister, I miss you so much. This past Sunday marks 6 months since you left. It was so hard to work Coachella without you; our business has expanded so much and this year Lady Gaga ended up replacing Beyonce – you would have loved it.
I miss you more and more everyday and I know time is supposed to help but it only makes me feel like you’re farther away or that you’re a figment of my imagination.. my favorite character from a book. I miss sharing (and fighting) over clothes, shoes, jewelry, beauty products — now their all mine.. I miss doing errands together and going to get our nails done.
You were my number one comrade when it came to everything; my own mental health, school, politics… I have no one to talk to the way that we used to talk to. We shared so many similar passions. I left school when you passed, and I’m not sure I want to go back. Losing you and grandpa months apart from each other have given me a new perspective on life and love.
That day I wanted to call the police when you were not answering anyones calls or texts and sent D that photo. I didn’t think it was real. I thought it was a google image search to scare him, none the less it scared me and mom and we called all your friends who said you were supposed to be at a birthday brunch for T and later celebrate D’s birthday.
I was expecting to go on a hike and give you a pep talk, the same way you always gave me a pep talk and reminded me how smart, beautiful, loved, intelligent and important I am. To find you that way was worse than a nightmare and I tried everything to try and backtrack your decision. As traumatic as it was at least I know that mom and I tried our best to find you….that you weren’t missing for days and then found. I don’t know why you shut us out that day. You were still warm, and I got to hold and caress you one last time. I ran my fingers through your beautiful hair and held your hands hoping I would wake up from this awful nightmare as mom collapsed on the ground and was bawling. I had to keep myself together for the police report and coroner.
Why didn’t you let me in? How were we so close but I never knew? We talked nearly everyday since grandpa passed in August and I know that was difficult for us both.. we spent the last 2 weeks of your life enjoying music and talking until the late hours of the night… why didn’t you say anything? Was our discussion about Lady Gaga’s Joanne album a message that I missed?
I am so lonely without you. I would do anything to have you back and be with you again. We were supposed to be together forever. It seems like everyone in the family is stronger than me in trying to process this. You cross my mind and I can’t believe you aren’t out there in the world soaking up the sun and breathing fresh air. You had so much life to live.
I respect and accept your decision. You are free from your suffering. I just love and miss you so much L, please help me get through this.
xoxo your big sister

I love you

My beautiful baby sister. I miss you so much. 5 years have passed since you left this world and it still feels like yesterday. The pain is still so raw. The questions are still unanswered. What could I have done to make you stay? Where did it all go wrong? Why didnt I see it? I wish you could tell me why… My life will never be the same. So much has changed. I wish you could have seen how much we all loved you. My gorgeous baby sister. WHY?

Schizophrenia sucks

Schizophrenia sucks

I miss you Jesse I’m sorry that you had a rough life. I love you my brother. I wish I could have been there for you and didn’t live so far away. The last time I saw you in the hospital I didn’t tell you how much you meant to me. A week after that you decided to take your life. Schizophrenia must have been vary hard I wish the demeans in your mind wouldn’t have got you I know you tried. I am glad that you never hurt anyone but yourself I know that’s what you were worried about but you had to much love in your hart to ever hurt another living thing. I have a lot of respect for you because of that but I think with help we could have found another way. I hope that where you are now is what you were looking for. I will always love you.

The day she left 07/03/2017

To my beloved sister Lebo
To you i have lost a sister, a friend, an aunt to my children.. to mom she has lost a daughter. I know things where tough but thank for holding on until your last breath.
I will miss your gap when you smiles, your dimples when you laughed. Sorry for failing you, sorry for not responding as quick as you needed me to, thus is because i thought all was well with your soul.
You showed me all the signs but i still failed you. Thank you for all the smiles, laughs and tears that we shared as sisters. I will miss someone that i will talk to now because you my friend, my sister you are gone
I will always miss that some one that will tell me my hair is not comb,i will miss the fashionista in you.. i will miss someone to share clothes with. From you i will miss a lot.i never thought we will say our goodbyes so soon.
Everytime i look at my daughter i will always remember how you loved her. How you used to care for her everyday. What is sad now is that know now i have to answer her when she says “mama mamani okay?”.. i will tell her that you are now an angel watching over her.
Sorry for failing you again,, sorry i was too late to help you. You and i know we tried our best..but all these is God way and will.
Alone without a cause.Alone with no life.Trying to kill her spirit. That is beginning to die inside. Alone in her Hell. Alone in her abyss. Attempting to end her being as it pours from her wrists. Alone without a chance. Alone with no hope. Watching the stained blade as she frees her soul. Alone in the air. Alone as she drifts.Slicing so she can escape the nightmare’s images. Alone with no will. Alone with no dreams.Suicide killing her thoughts, silencing her heart’s beats.
I know I’m not alone. Let’s take a stand, let’s fight it together, let’s support each other instead of being alone let’s not go with out a fight, let’s not just become just another suicide statistic, let’s fight it together we can survive, we can take a stand. We can win this battle.
Robala ka kgotso ngwana mama, robala ka kgotso Napogadi..re tla go gopola ge le hlaba le ge le dikela. Re go ratile ebile re sa go rata.

To my sister

I still can’t believe your gone I just block you out no pictures no nothing to remind me of you yet I searched for you on the internet just for 1 pic of u but found a radio recording of ur presenter days. it ripped my heart out. I f**** miss you. Linda why did u go? why didn’t I just f**** hold on for Mom? u know she was ur biggest fan. Bobby n Jacob wish u were here. I do. Bloodyhell I hope ur happy where u r. I really do xxxxx

JERI KENDALL CEASAR

HEY SISTER, I CANT BEGAN TO TELL WHO HOW MUCH YOU ARE SO DEARLY MISSED. FIRST AND FORMOST YOUR 4 BEAUTIFUL KIDS THAT MISSES YOU EVERY DAY. BETWEEN THEIR DAD, MOM AND MYSELF WE DO THE VERY BEST THAT WE CAN BUT NOTHING COMPARES TO YOU!! ALL 4 OF THEM HAVE A PART OF YOU THAT REMINDS US SO MUCH OF YOU. THAT MORNING YOU WERE TAKING FROM US WAS THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE. I WANT YOU TO KNOW WHEN YOU THOUGHT I WAS YOUR ROCK, YOU WERE REALLY MINE!! I MISS YOU SOOOOOO MUCH AND WOULD DO ANYTHING TO HAVE YOU BACK..MOM AND DAD IS DEFINTLY NOT THE SAME AND MISS YOU SO MUCH!!
I SEE THE HURT IN YOUR HUSBAND EYES AS WELL, HE MISSES YOU TOO SO MUCH.. YOU WERE ROCK THAT KEPT EVERYTHING GOING FOR THEM. I STILL CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR PICTURES OR EVEN TALK ABOUT YOU BECAUSE I TEAR UP. YOU KNOW YOUR BUBBA BOY AND YOUR BIG GIRL RAEGAN MISS YOU SOO MUCH. BUBBA KNOWS THAT YOU ARE IN HEAVEN AND BLOWS YOU A KISS FROM TIME TO TIME. RAEGAN HOLDS HER TEARS BACK BUT SHE HURTS AS WELL. I HOPE WE ARE MAKING YOU PROUD DOWN HERE. LET IT BE KNOW I WILL FOREVER BE YOUR KEEPER, I WILL DO MY BEST TO ALWAYS KEEP BEING THERE FOR THE KIDS. LIFE IS JUST DEFINTELY NOT THE SAME WITHOUT YOU DOWN HERE WITH US. I KNOW AND FEEL THAT YOU ARE OK AND IN HEAVEN. NO MORE STRESS OR PAIN JUST EASY BREEZY SUNSHINE..
MY HEART IS DEFINTELY AT PEACE BECAUSE YOU KNOW IF I HAD IT YOU HAD IT AND I KNOW THE SAME WENT FOR YOU. SISTER I LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH AND HOPE TO ONEDAY SEE YOU AGAIN. THIS LIFE WITHOUT YOU REALLY DOESNT FEEL REAL OR THE SAME. YOUR SISTER JAMIE HAS REALLY MET SOMEONE GREAT AND DEFINTLEY HAS MATURED HER FOR THE BETTER. SHE WILL BE GETTING MARRIED ON YOUR BIRTHDAY JULY 23, 2017 ON THE BEACH. I KNOW YOU WILL BE SMILING DOWN, I PRAY THAT SHE GETS PEACE IN HER HEART I CAN SEE THE HURT IN HER EYES SHE WOULD DO ANYTHING TO HAVE YOU BACK AGAIN AND HUG YOU AND SAY SORRY. SHE ALSO HELPS SEE ABOUT YOUR BABIES WHEN SHE COMES DOWN. YOU KNOW WE ALL HAVE YOUR HUSBAND(CHRIS) BACK. WHEN IT COMES TO THOSE KIDS WE WILL DEFINTELY DO WHAY WE CAN MYSELF, MOM, DAD, JAMIE, JOHN, APRIL AND FARRON. NO MATTER WHAT WE ARE FAMILY AND THATS WHAT FAMILY DOES. BY THE WAY TODAY IS RAEGAN BIRTHDAY SHE MADE 12… OUR BIG GIRL…
I KNOW MY LETTER IS LONG, BUT KEEP FLYING HIGH BABY GIRL. I FEEL YOU NEAR ME EVERYDAY I KNOW YOU ARE WALKING WITH AND NEAR ME.
I WILL KEEP LOVING YOU FOREVER, YOU TOOK A PIECE OF MY HEART WHEN YOU LEFT THIS EARTH…

Big Bro from your Lil Sis

Dear K.V,
It’s been eight years since you passed. For the first 6 years I was just numb and carrying on with life as if nothing had changed. Last year, I spent the whole year crying EVERY single day. I would wake up exhausted after ten hours sleep and start my day with a three hour cry session. I was consumed with this unbearable sadness and hopeless feeling. All I could think about was how much I wanted my pain to be over and the reasons for my pain. We are two months into this year and all I can think about is how much you’ve hurt not only me, but your whole family. I’m angry not because you chose to leave us, but because you caused us so much pain. I know it was not all your fault but I can’t help but feel like if you had not killed yourself, so many people, including me, your lil sister, wouldn’t be so hurt and I’d still be the happy and bubbly person I use to be. I’m scared to love people because I’m afraid I’ll lose them too. I don’t think I can survive another great loss.

You are my annoying big brother and I will always love you but I know that I will have to spend the rest of my life with this massive hole inside of me. A hole that I will never be able to fill.

Miss you until the end,
-J.V

To my brother

To my brother,

We haven’t talked or seen each other in four and a half years. I miss the relationship we had, our similar yet completely opposite personalities, our witty and sarcastic retorts to one another, even our not so subtle disagreements, or better word for it, “fights”. You left at the worst time. You were almost finished high school and I was just starting, you were supposed to continue to be the annoyingly overprotective brother, we would avoid each other when we would pass each other at school, give me advice on subjects, teachers, life… Then you were supposed to meet my boyfriend or girlfriend, be intimidating and that stereotypical big brother act, be at my high school graduation, my university graduation, my 21st and me be at your high school graduation, your university graduation, and your 21st, and be at my wedding and me at yours and so many many many other things. There were so much that could have been, that should’ve been and now all of that is just an unrealistic dream… I love you and miss you constantly. You are, as I will never say ‘you were’, my brother.

Your sister.