I love you

My beautiful baby sister. I miss you so much. 5 years have passed since you left this world and it still feels like yesterday. The pain is still so raw. The questions are still unanswered. What could I have done to make you stay? Where did it all go wrong? Why didnt I see it? I wish you could tell me why… My life will never be the same. So much has changed. I wish you could have seen how much we all loved you. My gorgeous baby sister. WHY?

Schizophrenia sucks

Schizophrenia sucks

I miss you Jesse I’m sorry that you had a rough life. I love you my brother. I wish I could have been there for you and didn’t live so far away. The last time I saw you in the hospital I didn’t tell you how much you meant to me. A week after that you decided to take your life. Schizophrenia must have been vary hard I wish the demeans in your mind wouldn’t have got you I know you tried. I am glad that you never hurt anyone but yourself I know that’s what you were worried about but you had to much love in your hart to ever hurt another living thing. I have a lot of respect for you because of that but I think with help we could have found another way. I hope that where you are now is what you were looking for. I will always love you.

The day she left 07/03/2017

To my beloved sister Lebo
To you i have lost a sister, a friend, an aunt to my children.. to mom she has lost a daughter. I know things where tough but thank for holding on until your last breath.
I will miss your gap when you smiles, your dimples when you laughed. Sorry for failing you, sorry for not responding as quick as you needed me to, thus is because i thought all was well with your soul.
You showed me all the signs but i still failed you. Thank you for all the smiles, laughs and tears that we shared as sisters. I will miss someone that i will talk to now because you my friend, my sister you are gone
I will always miss that some one that will tell me my hair is not comb,i will miss the fashionista in you.. i will miss someone to share clothes with. From you i will miss a lot.i never thought we will say our goodbyes so soon.
Everytime i look at my daughter i will always remember how you loved her. How you used to care for her everyday. What is sad now is that know now i have to answer her when she says “mama mamani okay?”.. i will tell her that you are now an angel watching over her.
Sorry for failing you again,, sorry i was too late to help you. You and i know we tried our best..but all these is God way and will.
Alone without a cause.Alone with no life.Trying to kill her spirit. That is beginning to die inside. Alone in her Hell. Alone in her abyss. Attempting to end her being as it pours from her wrists. Alone without a chance. Alone with no hope. Watching the stained blade as she frees her soul. Alone in the air. Alone as she drifts.Slicing so she can escape the nightmare’s images. Alone with no will. Alone with no dreams.Suicide killing her thoughts, silencing her heart’s beats.
I know I’m not alone. Let’s take a stand, let’s fight it together, let’s support each other instead of being alone let’s not go with out a fight, let’s not just become just another suicide statistic, let’s fight it together we can survive, we can take a stand. We can win this battle.
Robala ka kgotso ngwana mama, robala ka kgotso Napogadi..re tla go gopola ge le hlaba le ge le dikela. Re go ratile ebile re sa go rata.

To my sister

I still can’t believe your gone I just block you out no pictures no nothing to remind me of you yet I searched for you on the internet just for 1 pic of u but found a radio recording of ur presenter days. it ripped my heart out. I f**** miss you. Linda why did u go? why didn’t I just f**** hold on for Mom? u know she was ur biggest fan. Bobby n Jacob wish u were here. I do. Bloodyhell I hope ur happy where u r. I really do xxxxx

JERI KENDALL CEASAR

HEY SISTER, I CANT BEGAN TO TELL WHO HOW MUCH YOU ARE SO DEARLY MISSED. FIRST AND FORMOST YOUR 4 BEAUTIFUL KIDS THAT MISSES YOU EVERY DAY. BETWEEN THEIR DAD, MOM AND MYSELF WE DO THE VERY BEST THAT WE CAN BUT NOTHING COMPARES TO YOU!! ALL 4 OF THEM HAVE A PART OF YOU THAT REMINDS US SO MUCH OF YOU. THAT MORNING YOU WERE TAKING FROM US WAS THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE. I WANT YOU TO KNOW WHEN YOU THOUGHT I WAS YOUR ROCK, YOU WERE REALLY MINE!! I MISS YOU SOOOOOO MUCH AND WOULD DO ANYTHING TO HAVE YOU BACK..MOM AND DAD IS DEFINTLY NOT THE SAME AND MISS YOU SO MUCH!!
I SEE THE HURT IN YOUR HUSBAND EYES AS WELL, HE MISSES YOU TOO SO MUCH.. YOU WERE ROCK THAT KEPT EVERYTHING GOING FOR THEM. I STILL CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR PICTURES OR EVEN TALK ABOUT YOU BECAUSE I TEAR UP. YOU KNOW YOUR BUBBA BOY AND YOUR BIG GIRL RAEGAN MISS YOU SOO MUCH. BUBBA KNOWS THAT YOU ARE IN HEAVEN AND BLOWS YOU A KISS FROM TIME TO TIME. RAEGAN HOLDS HER TEARS BACK BUT SHE HURTS AS WELL. I HOPE WE ARE MAKING YOU PROUD DOWN HERE. LET IT BE KNOW I WILL FOREVER BE YOUR KEEPER, I WILL DO MY BEST TO ALWAYS KEEP BEING THERE FOR THE KIDS. LIFE IS JUST DEFINTELY NOT THE SAME WITHOUT YOU DOWN HERE WITH US. I KNOW AND FEEL THAT YOU ARE OK AND IN HEAVEN. NO MORE STRESS OR PAIN JUST EASY BREEZY SUNSHINE..
MY HEART IS DEFINTELY AT PEACE BECAUSE YOU KNOW IF I HAD IT YOU HAD IT AND I KNOW THE SAME WENT FOR YOU. SISTER I LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH AND HOPE TO ONEDAY SEE YOU AGAIN. THIS LIFE WITHOUT YOU REALLY DOESNT FEEL REAL OR THE SAME. YOUR SISTER JAMIE HAS REALLY MET SOMEONE GREAT AND DEFINTLEY HAS MATURED HER FOR THE BETTER. SHE WILL BE GETTING MARRIED ON YOUR BIRTHDAY JULY 23, 2017 ON THE BEACH. I KNOW YOU WILL BE SMILING DOWN, I PRAY THAT SHE GETS PEACE IN HER HEART I CAN SEE THE HURT IN HER EYES SHE WOULD DO ANYTHING TO HAVE YOU BACK AGAIN AND HUG YOU AND SAY SORRY. SHE ALSO HELPS SEE ABOUT YOUR BABIES WHEN SHE COMES DOWN. YOU KNOW WE ALL HAVE YOUR HUSBAND(CHRIS) BACK. WHEN IT COMES TO THOSE KIDS WE WILL DEFINTELY DO WHAY WE CAN MYSELF, MOM, DAD, JAMIE, JOHN, APRIL AND FARRON. NO MATTER WHAT WE ARE FAMILY AND THATS WHAT FAMILY DOES. BY THE WAY TODAY IS RAEGAN BIRTHDAY SHE MADE 12… OUR BIG GIRL…
I KNOW MY LETTER IS LONG, BUT KEEP FLYING HIGH BABY GIRL. I FEEL YOU NEAR ME EVERYDAY I KNOW YOU ARE WALKING WITH AND NEAR ME.
I WILL KEEP LOVING YOU FOREVER, YOU TOOK A PIECE OF MY HEART WHEN YOU LEFT THIS EARTH…

Big Bro from your Lil Sis

Dear K.V,
It’s been eight years since you passed. For the first 6 years I was just numb and carrying on with life as if nothing had changed. Last year, I spent the whole year crying EVERY single day. I would wake up exhausted after ten hours sleep and start my day with a three hour cry session. I was consumed with this unbearable sadness and hopeless feeling. All I could think about was how much I wanted my pain to be over and the reasons for my pain. We are two months into this year and all I can think about is how much you’ve hurt not only me, but your whole family. I’m angry not because you chose to leave us, but because you caused us so much pain. I know it was not all your fault but I can’t help but feel like if you had not killed yourself, so many people, including me, your lil sister, wouldn’t be so hurt and I’d still be the happy and bubbly person I use to be. I’m scared to love people because I’m afraid I’ll lose them too. I don’t think I can survive another great loss.

You are my annoying big brother and I will always love you but I know that I will have to spend the rest of my life with this massive hole inside of me. A hole that I will never be able to fill.

Miss you until the end,
-J.V

To my brother

To my brother,

We haven’t talked or seen each other in four and a half years. I miss the relationship we had, our similar yet completely opposite personalities, our witty and sarcastic retorts to one another, even our not so subtle disagreements, or better word for it, “fights”. You left at the worst time. You were almost finished high school and I was just starting, you were supposed to continue to be the annoyingly overprotective brother, we would avoid each other when we would pass each other at school, give me advice on subjects, teachers, life… Then you were supposed to meet my boyfriend or girlfriend, be intimidating and that stereotypical big brother act, be at my high school graduation, my university graduation, my 21st and me be at your high school graduation, your university graduation, and your 21st, and be at my wedding and me at yours and so many many many other things. There were so much that could have been, that should’ve been and now all of that is just an unrealistic dream… I love you and miss you constantly. You are, as I will never say ‘you were’, my brother.

Your sister.

My Twin

I miss you so much. It’s been 11 months since you died and I feel like you took a piece of me with you. It wasn’t supposed happen. You were supposed to have a life. 23 years isn’t enough. I know the river runs into the ocean, but I don’t want to be stuck in the Rapids anymore.

I love you so much brother.
-your twin

A month later

Hi Azizam,
It’s been more than a month later and I almost wish time didn’t move on. I wish I wasn’t so far from you and away from your soul. I miss you incredibly. Your beautiful life was too short and I get angry about that. I wish life wasn’t so unfair. I don’t know why these things happen to such innocent, kind people. You are the light of my life. Omram. You truly are and will remain to be forever. I miss your sweet voice and kind words of encouragement to me. I wish I could’ve been there for you more in the last few months. I should have flown down every weekend to be with you. I don’t know why I didn’t. I should have just quit my job and moved down. I was going to when I got the call that morning. I said, this is it, I need to be by my brother and nothing can stop me. I was too late. The pain was too much. I wanted to take away every pain you ever felt. I was supposed to be the first to go, not you. You are younger than me. You deserved this life more than anyone I know. It still hurts the same Azizam. I feel emptiness wherever I go. It will never change, I am a different me without you. I have to be. You are my light. My light feels dimmed. I wish for more signs that you can send to me. I know you were in pain, but I never thought this. I never wished this. I miss you and care about you even more, the pain increases, but then more love is filled with your thoughts, memories, things you liked… Stay close to me wherever I go. I hope to see you soon Azizam and play like we used to. Love you forever and ever.
Your Best friend,
Tash

Danny

1974, you flew like a bird of the bridge. Our cousin, Linda, took sleeping pills three weeks before. You went to join her. I thought they would have a cure for suicide by the time I reached this age. I was wrong. I will write and scream to ensure your deaths did not go in vain. We must love each other. RIP: Danny, Linda and Willow