Happy (belated) Birthday!

Happy belated birthday! Not sure why I couldn’t bear to write this yesterday. H already didn’t even know it was your birthday, poor kid. She’s going to forget you, you know? I wish I could forget you too. I just turned 18, and you missed it!! And O just turned 21, and I know what you would have said to her lol. H made her a card, and it looked just like the one she made you for your 21st birthday. It has been 90 of the worst days of my life since I last saw you. Unless I am asleep, I don’t go an hour without thinking about you. I haven’t cried in so long. I’m just shocked and terrified every day that I have to go through the rest of my life without you. How are any of us going to possibly do that?! I can’t smell you when I go to the basement anymore, and everything down there is just as you left it, except for your clothes. Mom’s friends washed all of them and wanted to donate them but we told them to wait. They are on your bed in a pile, your backpack is in the corner, your laptop is where it usually is. Mom still hasn’t gone down to the basement, and we are moving soon anyway. Not sure to where, but the house is being renovated. Just wanted to let you know that we all miss you so f*** much! And I am so glad that you aren’t hurting anymore, and you are probably having a fantastic time up there when I’m trying not to fail Calculus. Don’t know why i’m still in the class to be honest. Guess it’s only because that was the last piece of advice you ever gave me. I hate math, and even math reminds me of you! I wish you could help me, O doesn’t know much math to be honest. We are all in a lot of pain. Dad keeps on getting mad and taking it out on us, Mom’s health is deteriorating, O is being stoic as always, but I hope she will be okay. A keeps on taking out her anger on classmates and teachers, and H won’t even say your name! It is as if your name has become a swear word or something. Anyway, I got a job! Which I know you would be proud of me for. Haven’t told anyone there about what happened to you. Guess i’m going to continue to try to trick myself. Lots of love, and Happy 22nd Birthday! I miss you more than you could have ever imagined, and I pray every day for this to be a dream. Unfortunately, that does not seem to be the case, but I have to keep on living, right? You would have wanted that. We have to be okay.

To Jacob

I miss you my brother. I am broken and hitting without you and I wish you were here so that I could talk to you one more time and tell you how much you meant to me. We’d always sit at the table after dinner and talk. Whether it be crap about family or friends, whether it was about feelings or depression, whether it was about animes or memes or just sitting there and enjoying each others company (while eating a whole cereal box of course). You were always there for me when I didn’t feel okay and I don’t think I ever got around to thanking you or telling you how much you meant to me and how much you saved me through my dark times. Without you I don’t know what to do. I wish I could continue on like you would want me to but I can’t talk about my feelings to anyone like I did with you. No one can replace those tables talks or inside jokes together. No one can understand how many times youve saved me from falling. And now I’m falling faster than I could ever imagine and I don’t know how to catch myself. I’m in so much pain, brother. I feel so hollow and so depressed and I don’t think it’s ever been this bad. I keep thinking of things I wanted to do with you and how I’ll never get to do them with anyone else because YOU and I were the only ones that would enjoy it. I keep thinking of the letter. That stupid letter you wrote that is now engraved into my head. Telling me that I am stronger than you’ll ever be. To take you places where you’ve never gone. To keep living. And it’s hurting me to know that I don’t think I can do that. I wanted to take YOU places and tell you about new things in my life and have you be proud of me. I wanted you to be there for me, brother. We shared pains and now I have no one to share my pains with and it’s all bottling up and it hurts. I’m carrying the pain and trying to stay strong and trying to keep living, but I just can’t. I wanted YOU to teach me how to use a camera properly. I wanted you to show me more pictures of the eagles you caught on your camera – I wanted to see your excited face and happy dance when you show me. I feel so empty without you. I’m so scared of living on and have you be no where with me. I’m horrified of graduating and you not being there to tell me “I knew you could do it, Kiddo.” I’m scared of people calling me Kiddo. Because that’s all you ever called me. I’m scared of moving on because that means you’re gone for good. I want this to be a really horrible dream that I’ll wake up to and cry in your arms and have you tell me it’s never going to happen. But it did. I don’t think that feeling is every going to go away. I’m hurting, brother. Won’t you come back to me? Won’t you come back from your other world and tell me it was all a cruel joke? Can’t you return to me? And tell me I’ll be okay? Can you hug me one last time and tell me that I’ll live and be happy? Can I talk to you one last time? I’m so scared brother. I’m scared to live without you and I know you’ll be upset if I leave this world but I know you won’t be mad at me. I know you’d understand and love me the same. I want to make you proud and I’m trying. I’m trying so damn hard to live. I’m trying so damn hard not to break down everytime I think back of a memory sitting at the table and you being sick from eating 3 bowls of ice cream. I’m trying so f** hard to be strong. I’m so scared, Brother. I’m so f**scared of living. Won’t you take me to your other worlds?

Hi Amy

Hello I think of you everyday! Just wondering why… I wish you could have met your niece. You’ll always be wiggy to me. I shall never forget my first sister Amy Jane. Things are so hard. I just can’t believe I’ll never see you again. Please don’t forget me love… from Alisha xxxxx

I wish I could remember your face… (SiblingSurvivors Letters)

October 16 2007 6:45 am…
I was only two years old when it happend when you did it…. you where only 15 years old and too young to give up on life. I know it was hard with grandpa’s and grandma’s death. But not remembering your face just made it harder on my these last few years.
Please if you are thinking suicidal than call this number NOW. 1-800-273-8255

I’m sorry

I Love you and I wish you were home.
It hurts me to think you’re so alone.
It’s not the same without you here.
Why you did what you did is still unclear.
I remember our last time together
Sitting and talking well into the night
Together, your addiction we vowed to fight
I’M sorry i was unable to carry my promises through .
But I promise you this Vince there is not one day that’s gone by that I haven’t wished I could of just taken your pain away .
Miss and love you xxxx

My Dearest Cory

We just passed a year, a whole year since we last spoke, last hugged, last laughed. It still doesn’t seem real, most days, that I will never be able to do those things with you again. That I can no longer pick up the phone and call you to tell you about a new horror movie coming out. That I can no longer go to the Target around the corner and see your smiling face behind the counter. I miss you so much it hurts. I have never known a pain like this. Some days it’s hard to breathe, knowing that you’re gone. But everyday I am thankful that I was blessed with having you as my little brother for 21 years. We didn’t always get along. There were days when you hurt me, when I was unhappy with your decisions, when I was just down right mad at you. But I always loved you. And I always will. It breaks my heart that I couldn’t help you. That I couldn’t save you. But I will live my life for you. And with you in my heart. Always.

To Hunter

So I know this website is based around siblings, which you and I are not. But I consider my girlfriend’s family, my family. You were her brother.
You’ve been gone for over 8 months now. And man, nothing is the same without you Hunter. Absolutely nothing. God, everything has been such a blur since then. Nothing feels real. I remember the night my girlfriend got that call, she had just picked me up from work and we were getting ready to watch a show and have some dinner. Things were going well… but that call, that DAY, changed everything. Hunter I wish I made more of an effort to get to know you like I did your twin brother. You and him had a unique chemistry, it hurts so bad that you are gone now. I still remember seeing you around your house. But every single day I regret the fact that you and I were almost strangers when you died. It eats away at me. Getting to know your twin brother has been awesome throughout the months, but I just wish you were here too. We all do. My girlfriend is torn without you. Your brother is too. It’s just so awful Hunter… I wish you knew how much your friends and family love and care about you. I truly hope you are at peace. You deserve peace Hunter. I’m sorry you couldn’t find peace in this world… and I’m sorry I was a stranger when you needed a friend. I know you would have been a good friend. Rest easy Hunter. I hope to see you again some day.

I’m Sorry, To My Sister

Its only day 2 without you, and Im sitting here crying thinking i can somehow go back in time to stop you from doing it. But i cant. And it hurts.
When we got the phone call i didn’t know you were gone, i thought you were just hurt. I know it sounds bad, but i wish you were just hurt…. i need you here. I really do. I don’t know how to survive without you sister. November 1st 2017 was the worst day of my life and it always will be.
It always will be.
I just talked to you hours before you decided to do this and you seemed okay. And I’m sorry for assuming you were okay. Because you told me you weren’t… multiple times. Multiple times you told me you were depressed and i listened and understood. Which made you open up to me more and want to be closer to me. I should’ve took you more seriously knowing how powerful depression is. I know sometimes i acted cold towards you, but i loved your hugs and your kisses and i wish i were a better sister. I really wish i was. I can never replace you, or be the sibling you ever were to our brother. But i’ll be a better sister for him i promise. I miss you so much already..i know this will only get harder.
Just kiss our brother in Heaven for me, and our uncle and grandmother and our favorite cousin Phyllis who i know you’re happy to be with again. I love you sis.

What do I do now?

Hey Antoni,
This Tuesday will be 6 weeks since you decided to give up on us. I miss you like crazy, you have no idea how hard it is for me. I started drinking again. I know I promised you I wouldn’t, but I don’t like staying with my thoughts. Besides, you’re gone now so that promise doesn’t count anymore. Today’s the first day this week I haven’t gotten drunk but the night is still young, I’ll try my best not to.
Antoni, how do I respond to the question about how many siblings I have? If I say two older and two younger, I get upset knowing you’re not actually here. But if I say two younger one older, it’s like I’m trying to get rid of you. Both are terrible options. I just want you back.
You knew exactly how to help me fight my own demons. Now I’m struggling on my own and I’m not very good at it. This is my first semester in college, and I can’t even imagine the next semester yet alone the next few years.
You promised to stay with me. Now I’m alone, and I just don’t know what to do?
PLEASE JUST WAKE UP. WAKE UP!! I NEED YOU. YOUR LITTLE BABY SISTER NEEDS HER BIG BROTHER. PLEASE, please.
I love you Tonio, I’m sorry I failed you.