I’m sorry

I Love you and I wish you were home.
It hurts me to think you’re so alone.
It’s not the same without you here.
Why you did what you did is still unclear.
I remember our last time together
Sitting and talking well into the night
Together, your addiction we vowed to fight
I’M sorry i was unable to carry my promises through .
But I promise you this Vince there is not one day that’s gone by that I haven’t wished I could of just taken your pain away .
Miss and love you xxxx

My Dearest Cory

We just passed a year, a whole year since we last spoke, last hugged, last laughed. It still doesn’t seem real, most days, that I will never be able to do those things with you again. That I can no longer pick up the phone and call you to tell you about a new horror movie coming out. That I can no longer go to the Target around the corner and see your smiling face behind the counter. I miss you so much it hurts. I have never known a pain like this. Some days it’s hard to breathe, knowing that you’re gone. But everyday I am thankful that I was blessed with having you as my little brother for 21 years. We didn’t always get along. There were days when you hurt me, when I was unhappy with your decisions, when I was just down right mad at you. But I always loved you. And I always will. It breaks my heart that I couldn’t help you. That I couldn’t save you. But I will live my life for you. And with you in my heart. Always.

To Hunter

So I know this website is based around siblings, which you and I are not. But I consider my girlfriend’s family, my family. You were her brother.
You’ve been gone for over 8 months now. And man, nothing is the same without you Hunter. Absolutely nothing. God, everything has been such a blur since then. Nothing feels real. I remember the night my girlfriend got that call, she had just picked me up from work and we were getting ready to watch a show and have some dinner. Things were going well… but that call, that DAY, changed everything. Hunter I wish I made more of an effort to get to know you like I did your twin brother. You and him had a unique chemistry, it hurts so bad that you are gone now. I still remember seeing you around your house. But every single day I regret the fact that you and I were almost strangers when you died. It eats away at me. Getting to know your twin brother has been awesome throughout the months, but I just wish you were here too. We all do. My girlfriend is torn without you. Your brother is too. It’s just so awful Hunter… I wish you knew how much your friends and family love and care about you. I truly hope you are at peace. You deserve peace Hunter. I’m sorry you couldn’t find peace in this world… and I’m sorry I was a stranger when you needed a friend. I know you would have been a good friend. Rest easy Hunter. I hope to see you again some day.

I’m Sorry, To My Sister

Its only day 2 without you, and Im sitting here crying thinking i can somehow go back in time to stop you from doing it. But i cant. And it hurts.
When we got the phone call i didn’t know you were gone, i thought you were just hurt. I know it sounds bad, but i wish you were just hurt…. i need you here. I really do. I don’t know how to survive without you sister. November 1st 2017 was the worst day of my life and it always will be.
It always will be.
I just talked to you hours before you decided to do this and you seemed okay. And I’m sorry for assuming you were okay. Because you told me you weren’t… multiple times. Multiple times you told me you were depressed and i listened and understood. Which made you open up to me more and want to be closer to me. I should’ve took you more seriously knowing how powerful depression is. I know sometimes i acted cold towards you, but i loved your hugs and your kisses and i wish i were a better sister. I really wish i was. I can never replace you, or be the sibling you ever were to our brother. But i’ll be a better sister for him i promise. I miss you so much already..i know this will only get harder.
Just kiss our brother in Heaven for me, and our uncle and grandmother and our favorite cousin Phyllis who i know you’re happy to be with again. I love you sis.

What do I do now?

Hey Antoni,
This Tuesday will be 6 weeks since you decided to give up on us. I miss you like crazy, you have no idea how hard it is for me. I started drinking again. I know I promised you I wouldn’t, but I don’t like staying with my thoughts. Besides, you’re gone now so that promise doesn’t count anymore. Today’s the first day this week I haven’t gotten drunk but the night is still young, I’ll try my best not to.
Antoni, how do I respond to the question about how many siblings I have? If I say two older and two younger, I get upset knowing you’re not actually here. But if I say two younger one older, it’s like I’m trying to get rid of you. Both are terrible options. I just want you back.
You knew exactly how to help me fight my own demons. Now I’m struggling on my own and I’m not very good at it. This is my first semester in college, and I can’t even imagine the next semester yet alone the next few years.
You promised to stay with me. Now I’m alone, and I just don’t know what to do?
PLEASE JUST WAKE UP. WAKE UP!! I NEED YOU. YOUR LITTLE BABY SISTER NEEDS HER BIG BROTHER. PLEASE, please.
I love you Tonio, I’m sorry I failed you.

Dear Jessica

Hey Jess,
It’s Thanksgiving today. Me mom dad and Nonna are going to Zia’s like we usually do. Last year we had Thanksgiving at our house. Remember Peter brought his motorcycle over to show us? You were happy that day. I loved your happy days. It felt like I had you back on your good days.
Today is hard. Really hard. Part of me keeps going through the list of things I am thankful far and part of me doesn’t want to do this without you.
I am forever thankful I had you. I will always be so grateful to God that I was blessed to have you as a sister. You loved me so much. I loved you with all of who I was. Many don’t ever experience that. So I am grateful that I did, that you showed me what the lovely a sister feels like.
My little sister.
It was my job to protect you. So many times I feel like I failed you as a big sister.
But you had demons that even I couldn’t fight.
It’ll be 5 months tomorrow.
Tell Vavo and Laura I say hi. We miss them too. So much.
It hurts so bad Jess.
I love you Jechi,
Em

I’m Sorry Tonio

Dear Antoni,
I miss you so much, you don’t even know. It’s almost been a month dude, I still can’t believe you’re actually gone. I wish I never left for college, I was gone for not even a month, if I knew one month would mean you gave up, I would have stayed home and take care of you like I always had. You are the oldest, you told me you were never going to leave me. What happened to all your promises? You said you’d visit me in New York. You said you’d take me on an adventure. You promised me you would never leave the way Sarah did, that you would never put us through the same pain that Sarah put through you. You took on everyone’s demons yet that just gave yours an army that you could not fight.
For ten years I was taking care of you, helping you, I stayed up all night taking care of you trying to help you through those thoughts, even when I was dealing with my own. I was only eight years old when I started trying to save you. I made sure mom and dad couldn’t tell you were high, I helped you seem semi-functional. I guess that was my fault. Maybe if they knew when things were just starting out maybe then you would still be here, but how was I supposed to know what is helpful, I was so little and you were my everything, besides mom and dad were never around, so I had to become the mom. I thought I was doing what was best for you. It worked for awhile, ten years I spent with you, I rolled you over when you drank too much, I made sure you didn’t do anything stupid when you were high, once I got my license I drove you to work so you wouldn’t lose your job, I made you seem sober when mom got home so she wouldn’t scream at you.
The day I left for college you were high and trying to start fights with my mom. I was so angry with you. The drive across the country I kept thinking about how when I come home you better be sober. I was so pissed at you and I am so sorry. That was the last time I saw you, and as I hugged you goodbye, it was a reluctant hugged, I should have given you an actual hug. I should have told you I love you more than the world and how 2,000 miles isn’t really that far with all the technology we have. I wish I never left. I wish I stayed to care for you. I’m sorry I was so selfish to leave. Didn’t you know how much I love and need you?
The family back home is falling apart, we all need you to wake up. The person I saw at the viewing is not you, I don’t know who he is, but he isn’t you. I need you. I’m your baby sister, you were supposed to keep hurt and pain away from me, you said so. Now, what do I say when people ask about my siblings. It has always been two older two younger and I’m the only girl. Do I still include you like you never left us or do I just say it’s the four of us? Baby Alan had his 14th birthday the day after your viewing and service. You should have been there for him, he needed you. You were two weeks away from your 25th birthday, you had the whole world ahead of you. Your friends had to give us the presents they got you. I got your Dragonball z necklace. I should not have it, Niki got it for you, not me.
I hope you don’t hurt anymore. I hope you find peace. I don’t believe in heaven or anything and I know you didn’t either, but I sure hope you’re not suffering anymore, you went through too much while living here. Antoni, I just want you to know how much I love you, and I’m sorry I couldn’t save you. I thought you were strong enough to last a semester at a time. I guess let you down. I miss you Tonio so much, more than you would ever know. I love you, you were and are my world and inspiration I just wish you didn’t end your story this way.
Love your little baby sister…

I miss you

It’s been a little over a month since you made the very poor drug induced decision that you’d be better off dead and I don’t think I’ll go a single day without thinking of you for the rest of my life. You were only 19 you didn’t need to feel like such a failure you were still young and had so much life a head of you. You had drug addictions but you also had family here to help you why did you have to seek help in those shitty friends of yours and most of all the biggest question in my head and confusion still to this day is WHY DID YOUR FRIENDS LET YOU SLEEP. Why didn’t they just take you to the hospital or call the cops when you told them you had taken a weeks worth of dad’s prescription pills. I’m leaving this “what if” and “if only” road and finally just trying to live with the fact that there’s nothing I can do now and you’re gone. I will miss you forever brother. I didn’t even recognize that sweet face at your funeral. nobody there did. you were just an empty shell of what you once were but I will remember you always as my little brother that loved his family and would kill for us. this is the worst pain of my life. I love and miss you Josh.

I am so sorry

That I couldn’t save you from them and I’m sorry I blew you off the night that you called me. I didn’t know that it would be the last time I would hear your voice. I hope you are at peace. I can only imagine what a living hell you were in as I’ve dealt with my own demons, the demons of depression. I hope I see you again because I miss you so much. Hey, if you could give my children a kick in the butt too for treating their mother so poorly. Also, would you tell mom to lighten up, she remains impossible. Todd, I love you and I never got a chance to tell you how much. Forever, Sissie