Little brother

4 months and christmas is approaching. I’ve been through your bday. Turkey day, hunting season, but this time this holiday, it hurts bro. I miss you. I hate seeing dad so sad. I feel like I’m drowning. I never wish u back, I wish u free. I’m not sure if u think we didnt love or need you. But we really did. I needed u. I still do. Freddy got a tree too big this year, and u were not here to fix it. I lost it. The thought of more days like today debates me. I cant stop hearing dads voice on the phone that day. Or you laying there in the hospital. I’m angry and sad. I am lost. I miss you so much. I miss us. I miss not being alone. I dont know how to be ok this time. I have to. I just dont know how. I love you soo much scotty. Always have and always will little brother. I wish you free.

Hey

I don’t know what to say. I am hurting more than I thought I could. I got the news just last night. Never heard dad cry like that before in my life. It rattled me.
You always said how you were a terrible friend, uncle, brother, etc… Honestly, I don’t care how terrible of an anything you were, I just wish you were alive.

Never gets easier

My Dearest Kate – it’s been over six months and your birthday is coming up soon. I thought by now I’d have moved on, but I can’t. How can I ever move on from the person I grew up with and was my closest friend for so long? I keep hoping for a sign that you’re in heaven, yet I never get one. I constantly wonder if I could’ve done more, said more, but we had no clue what you were planning. This weekend we’re going to buy a plot to place your ashes. I was imagining myself visiting your grave site, and it’s just devastating to imagine. I’ll always love you and miss you….

I miss you man

Hey Tonio. Its been over a year and i miss you like crazy. I was doing just fine today and then out of nowhere i fell apart. I couldnt stop crying. I cant talk to anyone about you. I cant say anything to mom or dad, they’re struggling themselves to manage day to day. Our other siblings dont like hearing anything that remotely is about you. I cant talk to anyone because its been a little over a year and i should be over it by now. I miss you. I don’t want to miss you. This isnt a f—— joke man. Come back i need you. I cant do this antoni i just need my older brother back with me. Please come home. Tell me this was all a dream. Tell me you’re still alive and i just imagined the past year. What do i do now. I don’t want to be without you, you are my world. You protected me and i couldn’t protect you. Im sorry. If i could go back in time i never would have left for college. Please forgive me for leaving you alone. I love you

CJ one year later

Dear CJ
UGG….cant believe it still. Been a year. Took off work and went to your grave on the anniversary. Made you an arrangement for the stone. I should have been making it for your front door instead. I still feel like this is a bad dream and Ill wake up and you will be here. I feel like maybe you are on a long vaca to Japan and I just cant talk to you right now but soon you will be home. I had a dream the other night where I saw and heard you in the kitchen at mom and dads. I know you are ok. I feel you have no reservations about your decision. Im ok with that as well, but Im the one who woke up quietly crying at 0200 hrs in bed. You know we would supported you no matter what. Just wish you would have given us the chance to do that. For some reason today has been hard. I just want to talk to you. Im still at a loss for words. You just took such a big piece of my heart and soul. I hate being an only child. I hate this whole situation. You broke my heart. We did a 5K run for suicide awareness last month. Why am I doing this!?!?!?
(Oh by the way, I passed the test 😉 Thanks for your help!! Now need to get the job!! )
I MISS YOU SO MUCH!! I have loved you all your life and I will still love you all of mine.

It’s been five months and I have no answers. (SiblingSurvivors Letters)

It’s been five months.  I have no answer.

My dearest Kate, it’s been five months since you took your life. I thought things would get better and fade over time, but the opposite has happened.
For months I was still in shock and numb, and couldn’t bring myself to talk about or think about you, but now, months later, I cry at the most random times; driving home from work, watching tv at night, in the shower, at church.
I still have no answers as to why you decided to end it, and I don’t think I ever will. You’d so carefully and meticulously planned it for months, yet Mom, Dad and I all missed it.
Our family will never be the same Kate, I can’t bear to mention you in front of Mom and Dad because I can tell they’re in so much pain.
My only hope for your now is that you’re in heaven and in god’s loving arms. I hope that one day when it’s my time I’ll see you there….
Love always your brother.

I miss you too much

Jimmy,
You left me on June 1st without a goodbye. That’s one part that hurts the most. I’ve searched through all of your journals for mentions of me. There weren’t many but I’m glad to know you cared for me. I tried so hard to help you throughout your whole life. You never listened. You were the quintessential little brother. I loved you and I hated you. You were my best friend and you were super annoying. Tomorrow will be your 30th birthday and I’m a mess. I will never forget our last conversation and the absolute sorrow in your voice as you pretended to be happy about the news of my wedding date being set. Your last words to me were “I’ll see you then” which I thought was so strange since the wedding would be months away and I would definitely see you before then. You lied to me. And I knew it. I knew when you said those words and how you sounded that you were lying. Those words, your voice, are forever imprinted in my mind. I can’t believe you are gone. I still search for you in crowds, thinking I might spot you even though I saw you lifeless on the basement floor. My mind seems to be playing tricks on me. It hurts too much now that you’re gone. I loved you your whole life, little brother. I will love you for the rest of mine. I wish you were still here. Have a good birthday in Heaven tomorrow with Dad. And please show me a sign tomorrow that you’re okay. I miss you so much.

The things you’ve missed (SiblingSurvivors Letters)

Brother,
Its been one year today since you took your own life leaving a gaping wound in those you left behind. Here are some of the things that you have missed since you took your own life.
– Jameson was born just after Labor Day. You would have been an uncle again. You never got to change a newborn diaper, feed him a bottle, see him climb over all the dogs, learn how to crawl, and start to form words. He now has 5 teeth, is starting to take his first steps, and stating to word associate. I’m sure you would have had a blast with him especially in the pool.
– Madelyn you missed Madelyn’s ballet recital. Mom and Dad came to see her part but had to leave before the whole thing was over so they could drive up to PA and bury your ashes. She recently had her 5th birthday party, and is learning to ride her new bike. She starts real school in two weeks and is excited. She remembers you and will mention you every once in a while mostly connected to either how you took her to Busch Gardens, or when mom is really sad.
– Kim and I are fine. Both working more than we really want to. We bought a house, best one that fit our desires, and moved out of Mom and Dad’s, so now the guest room and your room is open. We have an awesome basement that I know you would have tried to move into, and a pool and playground less than a 5 min walk.
– Bethany started her trip around the world. She’s been traveling since April and should have a bunch of stuff to post on her travel blog. I can’t wait till she gets home and can share some stories.
– Mom and Dad are dealing. They have good days and bad. They love Jameson, but I know it hurts them to see him because he reminds them of you. Dad still hasn’t been up to the room above the shop. Bethany and mom went in and cleaned the room, took down all the stuff you had on the walls, did your laundry, etc. Dad gave away your motorcycle. As the last project you guys were working on together he couldn’t see finishing it. The house you and he were renovating is almost done. With you not there to help it took a lot longer and Dad’s trying to decide if they still want to manage it on Airbnb or just sell it outright. It turned out really nice and you would have liked it (I know you were planning on living there for at least a little while).
Those are the highlights. I’m not going to talk much about your funeral because that’s not for you. Mom and Dad had you cremated, lots of their friends and some of yours came. Most of the family was there at some point and it was nice to see everyone. Holidays were pretty shitty, Halloween was an afterthought, I don’t even remember thanksgiving (I think we did an awkward meal at mom and dads), Mom didn’t want to celebrate Christmas so we spent it with friends. Since our birthdays were a week apart it made my birthday kind of an afterthought. I just asked Kim and neither of us can remember anything about it.
I’m still angry at you. I know we didn’t get along for a good portion of our lives. I wanted good things for you; I wanted you to be successful, to find someone that you cared about and cared about you too, to have children of your own and see you with them. But instead you ended your own life. You left all of your problems behind for others to deal with. Like I told your body at the viewing, I hope one day I can get past my anger, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive you.

To my older brother (SiblingSurvivors Letters)

At first, I was incredulous. The news fell upon my unexpectant ears and I completely disassociated, I was calm from one place but in reality I was screaming. My fists were banging into my head. I was out of control. Didn’t you realise how much you were loved?
I thought it was a conspiracy. I thought it was a lie. I thought our family was lying to us. Until I saw you. I saw you and your dead hands and unmoving chest. I saw you and I collapsed to the floor crying, all I can see now is those hands. Didn’t you realise how much we loved you?
We carried your coffin at your funeral. My legs were shaking, my heart had fallen and slipped out from beneath my kneecaps. Your son sat in the pew, watching his aunties carry his father to be burned. I have never felt pain like I did that day. The pure unparalleled pain taints me still, it burns white hot right through me everyday. Didn’t you realise how much I loved you?
I will never understand how your reasoning outweighed the reasons to stay, but I understand the turmoil you were in. I just wish I could have saved you, I could have helped you. I wish you had thought of the last time and realised this wasn’t the only option. I wish you could have remembered sitting beside your little sister and supporting her through her suicidal impulses. I wish you could have remembered protecting her against everything in the world, even when you had no power to. I wish you understood the boundless love I have for you.
I miss you and I don’t think anybody will truly understand the depth of this feeling of pure loss. I love you still and always, I’m so sorry that you didn’t think there were other options.