RedRider4Life

My youngest brother hung himself after his wife left him… He came to stay with us to get back on his feet … he hung himself in our barn on my birthday ! It’s been almost 7 months and it doesn’t get any easier! I feel guilty that I didn’t really think he would do this, that I let him down, that I didn’t see the signs and most of all I let my parents and other brother down! My husband found him… he uses that against me now!! I can not repay that debt!! I’m so so sad and sometimes I am emotionless! Stunned
No one can help… he is gone

Lost my Man of Honor

F***
Sorry for the profanity but I just had to let it out, I’m so mad, sad, lost, confused, hurt, and sick. My baby brother took his life at the ripe age of 21. I miss him so damn much and I just don’t know what to do. Damnit man this sucks! He stood by me when I got married and now he’s just gone.

I lost my baby sister to suicide (SiblingsSurvivors Guest Post)

I lost my baby sister to suicide

On October 2, 2017 I lost my baby sister to suicide at the young age of 39. I’m so hurt and confused because I talked to her the day before. I’m angry with myself for not recognizing any possible signs in our conversation that may have saved her life. I cry just thinking about her. I pray she’s at peace and in heaven now with our dad but how do I know she’s at peace and in heaven. Deep down I’m selfish because I believe she could have stayed here and that my love was enough to fix her. My sister had a past of suicide attempts but was able to be saved so why wasn’t she saved this time I still talk to her as though she’s here with me and it’s like I’m trying to convince myself she’s here watching just to feel like she is but I don’t know if she’s really here with me or not. I feel like myself and everyone she loved failed her by not saving her or preventing her from committing suicide. It also replay in my head nonstop.

How? (SiblingsSurvivors Guest Post)

Subject: How?

Two nights ago my brother committed suicide. I got the news and I immediately felt like all the air in my lungs was pulled from my body… I can’t stop picturing in my head what he was going through the moments leading to his departure… How can I stop these mental pictures from crossing my mind? How can anyone go about their normal daily lives after a tragic loss of a brother!?? I’ve cried and cried… I still today find myself tearing up… I’m lost now, I am not in control of this situation and I’m driving myself crazy…

Baby Brother (SiblingsSurvivors Guest Post)

Subject: Baby Brother

Dear CJ
Its been 3 weeks today. Mondays suck. They are the worse. I cant help loon at the clock and think about when u left the house, drove to the park, and put the gun to your head.
U left me here alone. It was me and u. What am i suppose to do with mom and dad? U were suppose to help me make decisions but here i am….now an only child. WTF were u thinking?
The cancer diagnosis was something we could have worked through. Instead u left us heart broken. What am i suppose to tell DE about his Uncle when he asks. U were his god parent. Did u think of that when u decided to put a bullet in ur brain?
Do u know im seeking therapy becuse i cant look at my duty weapon without having thoughts myself???
I dont understand…….
I love and miss u so much……
This is a nighmare i cant get out of…..
I cant stop crying……
My heart aches……
U left me……now an only child that i dont want to be.

A Boy Named Jeffrey

20years has past since my favorite person in the world,left. I was wrong to take you for granted and make the assumption that no harm could ever fall on you You were enveloped in my future thru all of our growing older together I feel lost and alone here This years is a new normal to get used to… I’m older so I can clearly recall the day u moved in…but now I’ve been alive without you,longer than we spent together It’s been lonely without you here Just deep, profound loneliness I’ll forever pray you you did what you believed you need to do I know if your mind, spirit &soul were in such torment here,when u choose to leave,u were released… Welcomed,loved,accepted and at peace.

Thoughts on My Sister

On March 22, 2017 in the still small hours of the very early morning, my sister put a gun in her mouth and pulled the trigger. She was 45 years old. Her housemate/companion heard a sound, and assumed it was a problematic picture in the basement falling off the wall as it had many times recently. She found my sister’s body at 7am, and called me after dialing 911 to relay the news. “Chad, it’s Marla. Missy’s dead. She shot herself.”
My sister had her demons in the last couple years of her life. She had been obsessed with death and dark things ever since our cousin (her best friend in the world) had committed his own suicide back in 2001, less than a month before his wedding.
I suppose I feel survivor’s guilt. I suppose I think I’m selfish because I’m angry that my sister left me an only child (I turn 50 next month) who must deal with/care for two aging parents who are left bereft as a result of her selfish, stupid act. I suppose I feel guilty that I’m more angry than sad at this point, when I can manage to feel anything at all.
I suppose I feel guilty because in the last couple years of my sister’s life, I had lost patience with her. I was as absent as possible from her wreck of a life. The drug addiction, the joblessness, the self-imposed drama, the continuous hypochondria (every single medical issue with her was ‘special’; she didn’t have migraines, she had ‘triple migraines’, she had mysterious unquantifiable maladies too numerous to mention, always ‘special’ or ‘extreme’), the showing up at family functions (when she could be bothered to do so), rocking back and forth, staring at the floor as if she were not really present, looking every bit as clean and put together as a mad bag lady, always volatile and depressive. I never took her maladies and declarations of anguish seriously. My sister *always* needed a lot of attention. I needed to focus on more positive things in life. I had no time for self pity and hypochondria and drug addiction and drama.
I suppose I feel like a terrible child, because ever since she killed herself, I do not want to see or spend any time with my parents, other than the obligatory contact. My mother always encouraged my sister’s drama and defended my sister’s various ‘illnesses’. My sister found herself basically blackballed from every hospital and mental facility in the region, because she would show with one of her maladies and demand opiates or other drugs. My mother refused to hear it when doctors at endless emergency rooms and mental facilities would explain that it was obvious my sister had nothing physically wrong with her, and was obviously presenting in order to obtain drugs. She racked up hundreds of thousands of dollars in unnecessary medical bills, and then didn’t make any attempt to pay. She declared bankruptcy no less than 3 times in her adult life as a result of this.
My father simply gave her money every single time she went to him with a sob story. She was ‘daddy’s girl’ of course.
So I suppose I’m having trouble forgiving my parents for enabling her.
I post here today, because I don’t know what else to do. I feel nothing. My wedding was one month after my sister’s suicide, and my husband and I insisted on going through with it, with the idea that grief would not hinder our happy day. My parents both dutifully showed up, ghosts of their former selves.
Again, I wish I could feel something real. I wish I could cry, or rant. I wish I felt something other than a vague sense of anger and (even more guilt) *relief* that she finally did it. I was not shocked. I was not surprised. I’d warned and tried to talk with my parents about it before she finally managed to do it, but neither would hear of it. They insisted she was just ill, just going through a rough patch. Their perfect little girl would never….
So I suppose I feel like an orphan at a crossroads. My family will never be the same again. We will never not have this hanging over us. What should be the happiest time of my life as a newlywed who *finally* found true love at 48 is forever sullied.
I don’t know why I’m posting here today; I suppose it’s because any ‘support’ I try to look up always leads back to a suicide prevention hotline, and that’s not what I need. I’m not suicidal. I think suicide is stupid, selfish, and irreversible.
I need to feel real grief. I need to feel real love and concern for my parents and myself. I need to feel happy. I need to feel it’s ok to vent, and to be angry and sad and not the perfect sole survivor who holds it all together. I need someone who really understands what I’m feeling to help me. I need to feel.
Thanks for your ear. Thanks for your concern. Thanks for any advice you can offer. Thanks for being you. Thanks for letting me be me.

How does it affect siblings who are not close?

So I am having a hard time coping. There is an 8 year difference between my sister and i, her being the youngest. My brother is also younger than i but has autism so i cant relate to things from his perspective. Due to the age gap, i feel i was not close to my sister at all. My family and i also had a falling out when i was 18, making her 10 at the time. I’m almost 25 now and have i guess reconciled with the family. But how does one mourn what they barely know? Is the detachment supposed to affect the grief felt? I’m just not sure about any of this.