[] Comment: "Next Month will be 3 Years"

I started crying while reading your posts because I can relate on so many levels. I lost my older brother 4 years ago and i’m 16 now. Its hard I know and I never admitted to my grief and pain until last year because it was too hard. I’m so sorry for your loss because I know the pain and I would never wish that upon anyone. But please never blame yourself for anything because no one blames you and I’m sure that Emily does not feel as if you let her down. She loves you like you loved David and how he loved both of you and you always need to remeber that.

You can see all comments on this post here:

Permalink: www.siblingsurvivors.com/next-month-will-be-3-years/#comment-1971

What’s my new normal? (SiblingsSurvivors Guest Post)

My little brother hung himself on June 13th. I’ve been on autopilot for the past week, taking care of my parents, trying to help my Mom struggling through the knowledge that my brother was a professed atheist. Relegated to the role of helper, fixer, runner, even to make sure our “guests” had seats, drinks, were comfortable and were all properly and graciously greeted and thanked for attending. Does anyone realize that we, as brothers and sisters lost someone too? Sorry, I’m just mad.

My sister hung herself in her dorm

My sister hung herself and left notes. She was younger than me. That raises some heads because some people think that the older one usually feels suicidal. I was suicidal before, but wasn’t serious. She was serious.
Do some of you feel destructive or more irritated or annoyed by people, such as your significant other or your parents? I blew up a few times, and had violent dreams of beating up my dad.
Do some of you notice a physical difference in experiencing the outside world? I’m more sensitive to sound now, weird.
Do some of you notice how fake someone is after the death? I was friends with people who didn’t even check up on me, or shoot me a text.
And then there were people who just came out of nowhere saying that they were here for me but they never were there for me before.
My sister suffered from depression. She hung herself with a belt and a rope with a knot on the end of the rope to hold herself on the top of the door. She succeeded, and probably did research. I sometimes think she did what she needed to do. I sometimes think that she was brave. I couldn’t have done that. She was brave enough to take that leap.
I was the first to know the death of my sister because my parents were out of the country. I had to wait to tell the news.
We go through some things in life but never have I ever thought of going through this. It makes me sad how I’m even on this site.

My sweet young brother

I can’t even begin to understand how all of this happened. My brother isn’t here and I have absolutely no way to change what has happened. He’s gone.
It has always been my job in my family to help everyone. I just didn’t KNOW!!! And I want to just scream but somehow I need to first protect my nieces and nephews so that somehow I can try to have my brother be at peace.
How could we not have seen it – how could I have been so stupid – how could no one have told me anything until it was too late!!!!
I will forever love you John and somehow I will ensure your children are cared for.

My brother David

My brother hung himself on April 30th. Everyday is a physical struggle to go on. I’m shocked that the world goes on…bills still have to be paid, laundry still needs washed, I still have to work. I only want to sit and take a breath. I imagine his death over and over in my head. It’s a sick, twisted nightmare that won’t end. I loved my brother and wish I could of saved him.

Next Month will be 3 Years

When I was 14 I lost my big brother. That same year my mom had Breast Cancer. My mother and my younger sister/ Best friend, Emily found my brother hanging in a lot behind my neighbors house. I was at a church camp when I found out and I decided to stay at the camp, for god knows why. It was the hardest time of my life, and it continues to be. I constantly feel like I let my younger sister down by living her by herself. After that day my older sister, Olivia let Emily come spend the night at her house. I just feel like I let her down and it kills me to think about it. Before David died I really didn’t like him, he was 13 years older than me if you can imagine we didn’t have much in common. He had a personality disorder and he was Bipolar, and he fell into drug use but then got off of the drugs. He moved in with us to be close to my Mother because she had cancer. We like to call her cancer a blessing because he got to spend his last 6 months with us. Some days are so hard because I feel like no one understands what I have gone through. My pain will never go away. I’m graduating from high school this next school year and i’m absolutely terrified. I can’t imagine me walking across the stage and not having my brother shouting for me. The last couple months of his life, I finally started seeing him as my big brother that loved me. I remember I was crying and so frustrated cleaning my room, he came in to help me and it was the nicest thing he had ever done to me. I still sit in the same spot on my floor that he sat to help me. I still remember laughing with him. It’s haunting. I feel bad that I haven’t been to his grave but I haven’t been ready. I don’t want to see him in the ground with just a stone saying who he was. That stone was not who he was. He was the most loving and caring man I had ever met. Does anyone else relate to that? Well, I think that is enough for one night. I will probably add more of these posts later on. I feel like a weight is off of me. Thanks for listening.
– Ashley

I stopped being mad at anyone

One day last year, she told me she gave a new blouse to our mother, that was a gift to her from me. And my mother had already received a similar gift. A couple of months later, she gave away all her jewelry. Both of these actions shocked me, but I didn’t ask why, fearing to intrude on her privacy. I wish I had asked her directly. Then she began to sound very tired on the phone and not her usual joke making self. But I was going home on May 3, and she was looking forward to us talking in private on the way home from the airport. On March 29, she hadn’t slept in 3 days, with the opioid epidemic, her new doctor cut off her sleep aids, cold turkey. She would not go to the hospital; I live in another state. She talked to her only son on the phone; she refused her husband’s entreaty to let him call an ambulance. She walked in the bedroom, put a 25 caliber to her temple and pulled the trigger.
I only learned what a wonderful person she was as our mother began to have health problems some years ago and my sister assured, ‘Don’t you even worry, I will always be there for our mother’. My sister was one of the kindest and most generous people I have ever met; maybe too kind and sensitive for this world. She never said a word to her son, her husband, not me and not her best friend and there is no note. I miss her every day of my life.

Why today?

I’ve never done this before and I’m not really sure why I’m starting now, I guess I just want feel less alone in my pain. My brother committed suicide about 9 months ago and as painful as it was in the beginng, my life seemed to carry on to the point where I almost thought I could live with what happened. I would cry every now and then at night or get sad when I saw a picture but I’ve never been a person that cries to begin with and I usually keep my pain to myself. I think about him everyday and everyday it hurts but the pain has not stopped me from living. I wrote a paper about him in school and it was hard to do but I could handle it and I haven’t had many moment of breaking down. I really thought that I could deal with what happened to my brother and that I would be OK as I have been doing really well these past months. It wasn’t until today when I was cleaning out my closet and found his old shirt that I realized I have been wrong. I walk by his room everyday and even go in it often with my mother and reminisce on his artifacts left there. I still walk into his room and wear his shirts and hoodies all the time and can continue normally throughout my fay. I thought nothing of returning his shirt until I arrived at his closet. When I got there I just found myself looking at his clothes still hanging on the rack. I saw his size 12 shoes empty and slightly worn on the ground, his stuff animals in a box on the shelf, and a poster he had made when he was in kindergarten. These were all items I have frequently seen before and they were nothing out of the ordinary. But All of a sudden I couldn’t breath, I couldn’t bring myself to hang the shirt I had taken from him so long ago. I imagined his thin frame that used to barely fill out his favorite shirts that hung before me. Its been a really long time since I have sobbed or even cried but today I couldn’t even stand in that moment. I fell to the floor and cried for 3 long hours and looked through all of his things over and over again. It was like I was seeing all of his possessions for the first time after his death and I physically could not bring myself to leave his room. It has been 9 months and this is the first time this has happened to me besides in the first couple of weeks after he died. I don’t know why this is all coming out now or if this newfound sadness I feel will stay for a while. I am not an emotional person and often I am the one comforting my mother and older brother but right now I am paralyzed by sadness. I don’t have many people to talk to about my brother and even more so I don’t like talking about my brother with people because I feel like no one would understand. I guess I just want to know if there is anyone else out there that has had a similar experience to me. Usually I can block out my sadness and distract myself but today is the first time that is has been impossible for me to think of anything else. I guess I’m just looking for some direction, or some advise that could pull me out of this immense pain I am currently feeling.

My brilliant beautiful sister

Its been 3 months since my sister drank and pilled herself to death.ive found depressed writings and evidence of mental illness as far back as 9 years old while going through her things. This poor woman was the only one who couldnt see how vibrant,beautiful,intelligent, and magnetic she was. She made it 34 long years in this world. Poor thing was so alone for too damn long. I miss her so much and i hear her laugh everytime i close my eyes. My poor mother, my poor father, my poor OTHER sister. I was her brother, i was suppose to protect her. But i just wasnt close enough for this attempt. I miss her so, she was my buddy. Love you bean!