I love you brother (SiblingSurvivors Letters)

Subject: I love you brother

I can’t figure out why you would do this. Today of all days my birthday why didn’t you just call me why didn’t you just talk to me last week you said you’d never do this and that you were doing better for yourself. What happened?? I love you man. I am mad at you too. I just want you back I want to wake up and talk to you. I will miss you and our adventures.

Missing my little brother Joe (SiblingsSurvivors Guest Post)

Missing my little brother Joe

I lost my younger 23yr old brother to suicide on 19th June 2017 and I am absolutely heartbroken.. I never thought for a second Joe above all people would take he’s own life, he loved life or so I thought. He’s on my mind 24/7 and missing him is becoming harder each day. The past few days I’ve been trying to piece together in my head WHY did he do it and it’s just pure torture as I don’t know and never will.. My heart is slowly breaking day by day I just wish he could come home I miss and love him so much x

Missing Joey (SiblingsSurvivors Guest Post)

my big brother took his own life on May 26th, 2017. he was 21, we were 6 years apart. its almost 3 months and the reality is hitting hard now. he isnt coming back, and we wont share our lives together. he was my only sibling, and now im an only child. i miss him more everyday, and am at a loss. we never expected this because he was a happy guy. almost 1000 people came to his funeral. he had so many friends, yet couldnt talk to anyone. i wish he would start sending signs, it woild be nice to talk to him.

To my little brother, who is gone from me (SiblingSurvivors Letters)

To my little brother, who is gone from me

Brandon…. you idiot.
I didn’t know. No one told me, B! You didn’t tell me, and I’m so mad at you for staying quiet. Tay asked me to call and I knew something was wrong. I knew. Dad told me and I swear if my coworker hadn’t caught me, both kneecaps would be broken. In that moment, a piece of my heart reserved specifically for you went missing. Did you take it with you? She told me everything, little brother. About the drinking, about the violence, about the man and woman in your head… I can’t even begin to understand how horrible that must have been, but it has been easier to breathe knowing what you did to yourself was because of the man, not because you hated life, or…. I mean it’s not easier to accept, but… I think there’s a degree of relief.
I stood with Critter at the viewing. He didn’t have anyone to hold him upright. I hyper-focused on him for those few minutes so I wouldn’t focus on you, cold and in a f***ing box. I’m so happy you had him as a best friend. He’s amazing and I know how bad he misses you. You were his brother, too. When he went to speak, Uncle A stood beside me and held ME upright. I didn’t even realize how badly my knees were shaking. How horribly sweaty my palms were. How I hadn’t taken a breath, for fear that the exhale would be a scream…. and I’ve screamed enough for a lifetime.
Your siblings miss you, B. Kyle… is the only reason I’m angry with you. He found you, kid. And that’s…. f***ed up. He tried to help you even though it was hours too late. He’s scarred. I mean losing a sibling is… psychotic, but he’s literally just… scarred. You idiot. I’m so angry at you for harming him. Screw the rest of us- we’ll survive! How is Kyle supposed to handle that weight for the rest of his life?! He’s so young and I’m just… You wait. I’m gonna hunt you down when I finally get up there and you better PRAY God has the strength to keep me from turning you black and blue.
It’s been 130 days. A handful of months. Whoever says it gets easier? Is a liar. I went to call you in my absentmindedness yesterday, as I hadn’t heard your voice in a while… Your number is disconnected, FYI. Spent the rest of my day pissed off. Tay posts pictures of you on facebook and people ask how I’m doing- how we’re doing. I’m sick of all of it. I’m sick of working toward a goal I don’t WANT to reach- what the hell kind of goal is acceptance? I don’t WANT to accept that you’re gone. I want you to walk through the door with that STUPID SMIRK and a threat to lift me off the ground that I HATED for so long but now all I want is to feel that bear hug that you always MEANT, B. You always, always put your full self into hugs. You always left a piece of yourself with others in that way.
Hundreds of people are mourning you, do you know that? Do you know how much of an impact you made on the world around you? I hope you do.
Trust me when I say that the time between life and death is far shorter than we realize, and you best start thinking of ways to appease me when I reach the pearly gates, because when I see you again? I’m going to make it my business to kick your a$$ until either God finds a way to stop me, or I get tired of it.
Until then? Sis loves you.

Missing my little angel

I recently lost my sister at the end of February due to suicide. She was my best friend, my ray of sunshine, absolutely everything to me. I am 26 and she was 22. Her birthday is next week, so I’m having a lot of trouble. We were so close, I have spent the last few birthdays with her and she just graduated from OSU last year. I talked to her everyday, and we even talked to our parents every day which includes telling them goodnight every night. Our family is everything to us. My parents are the most loving, compassionate and selfless people I have ever met. Kristina and I expressed our appreciation every day.
I’m having a lot of trouble understanding why this happened. She wasn’t down ever, in fact – she knew just how to light up an entire room just by smiling. She made those who felt unwelcomed, feel welcome. I cannot even begin to express how proud I am of her, and always will be. I just don’t understand. How could someone who was so happy and loving and strong-willed do. I talked to her all day and night when she passed. She had an argument with her boyfriend and that’s what made her snap. She worked two night shifts, didn’t eat or sleep the day of, and was anxious and upset over her boyfriend.
That being said, I’m not even sure how to begin to process this. I miss her every second of the day. She is my only sibling, and again my best friend. My family will never be the same again, and my heart is just breaking. Thinking of all of you who lost someone as well!

Isabelle

My Sister was 18, turning 19 this year, if she was still alive. When I first knew that you overdosed on pills. Waves of emotions came flowing in. I didn’t know what to do, all that I could’ve done was to pray and hope that you’ll make it through. You know that I wasn’t that much of a religious person. But when I was in the hospital. I’ve begged God to save you and tried remaining as optimistic as I could be living that you would have made it through. Even during your final hour I’ve believed so. However you did not make it. My emotions overwhelmed me. I didn’t know what to do, I was lost for the first time in my life, I’ve never cried so much in my life before, I felt so much anger and sadness I couldn’t even react to the people around me. I’m so angry at the fact that, How could you have left us just like that  how could you just leave me alone in this world to fend for myself, you were my only Best Friend in this world and the only person that I could have trusted. I miss you so so much that it hurts me to tell people that I’m fine and that I’ve moved on even though I did not. I felt so useless as an older Brother, I couldn’t save you, I still miss you so much even though it’s been month . Every time I get reminded of you, it hurts so much that I’ve became numb to the pain. I really miss you so much that I would have given up anything in this world just to talk to you even for just a minute. I hated this loneliness that could never be cured no matter how much my friends are there for me. But, the only thing I can do now, is to fake a smile and make it so that people believe that I’m over it . However, I’ll never forget you, I wish I could see you again, no matter what it takes. I love you.

Memories

Exactly one year ago yesterday my brother left this world on his own accord and by his own hand, committing suicide and wrought a tear in my soul and all who know him. He is missed every day. It still hurts and the scar is still fresh. Every day I think why someone would do something so extreme. I won’t ever be a complete person again because there is a piece of me that died with him on that day. I also lost a chance with a person who literally saved my life. She is a great friend and I’m forever in her debt. I may never move from that position of how I feel about her and perhaps it was wrong to let her go but she is happy and that is what I want for her. I just hope that the person she has chosen never ever hurts her because I never will because it would be wrong. Maybe some day in the future. Brother I wonder where your soul wanders and I’m looking for some sign you are okay. The next thing will be hard to read so I warn you read at your own risk.
Lord, I ask why you did this thing and sewed this strife
it’s never truly understood why someone would end their own life
And reap so much pain wrenching a spirit so pure to twist and strain to produce a written lyric worthy of only Mark Twain’s almighty pen stronger than his sword I implore you then take every inch and give it two times back cause thing we call life has been thrown off its track when will I finally rise off this destructive path and forgive a fathers and mothers bickering this whole situation is grave whack its slithering like anacondas asps and Cobras through my minds unconscious cracks
Trying to move on but every day some little things pull me back just take it slow day by day like a pawn up and down this journey called life’s highway do that learning fill my knowledge trough to lay a foundation for my future that even atomic bombs can’t knock off
and I wonder how she’s doing every day it’s nice to see her life going the right way gives me hope that one day mine will follow but not the same way which is hard to swallow
Why would one abandon this life in exchange for something not known why leave a family tattered and torn like Midwest plains after a tornado and heavy shower rains
Why abandon the chance at a Nobel prize going to college on a research scholarship grant why leave a woman who was willing to be your sister first and then more even a sister I would call the same its always great to add to a family tree And lady I’m always there if u need me but you gotta quit your bad habits they’re gonna end your life you could be and do so much more just end your own inner strife take care of those kittens knit more makeup mittens to show your skill
Get in school like I know you will
Still need to meet your brother lost one I did and you as well one to replace I need to find
I’m sure you will find your best in due time
And to all my sisters we need to find and spend good family rhyme time
To my brother I hope you found good peace wherever whenever it may be I haven’t found that I keep going back to that day one year ago that forever changed the direction of my life but it’s for the positive not the minus
if I find the secret to what lies inside the black diamond I’ve yet to find
its out there somewhere that why I grind
And to all humanity I say
go above and beyond every single day
Stop this fighting we call war it only brings another dead soldier home earlier than before
from a conflict that stems from a corrupt politicians central core
How many times must we say no more
How many children must before enough is enough it doesn’t justify more like Edwin Starr said what is it good for
rock the watchtower bad voodoo Hendrix
Never lose vigilance over what’s truly depended
On every brother mother father daughter sister cousin uncle aunt son everyone
We all should love our fellow man
enough to leave him alone if that’s where he truly needs to stand
But I bid you ado from a son who lost a brother while transforming into a humble man while still a lot of growing to do
This is why I write this down for you to see not because I want grandeur or praise it’s because I want the human race to see the error of its ways before we doom ourselves to future nonexistent while we still have power to deal with it
Oh and K it’s all you have a great life I know I’ll be better it’s true when emblazoned with that cross that you drew thank you you’re always the glue it’s sad maybe yes but it’s also the truth
So I tell myself rise like the Phoenix from the ashes and start my life anew before Im ended and just held together with tattered sticks and dried up Elmer’s glue
My life returns I bid you ado.
If ever you know someone who you think is willing to end their own life please for all that your being is be bold enough to intervene because I can’t change what happened but every I live my life thinking how can I make someone’s day better? That’s my journey.

Scott Mckellar Cox II, you broke my heart.

Scott Mckellar Cox II was my 19 year old big brother. He was generally the happiest, kindest, and loving person I know. He was my best friend, my mentor, my fellow nerd, and he was my brother. He suffered severely from anxiety and depression, and he attempted suicide in 2012, but failed. He promised me he would never do it again, because he knew how much pressure and sadness it put in me. But when I asked Mckellar to get in the pool with me on vacation and he told me he would after he got something in the car, I wish with all of my heart I could’ve stopped him. But I didn’t. And while I was floating in that damned pool a gunshot rang from that truck, and there he was. You broke every atom in my heart, Mckellar, but your suffering is over now. I’m not a religious person. I don’t know if there is a heaven, if there’s a god, or if we’re all some accident that just so happened to be, and when you die it’s lights out. But I do know that I loved my brother more than anything in the world. If you’re reading this and you share my pain, just know that we’re not alone. I miss you brother. Rest easy.

I miss my brother!

I just came across this site and am hoping to find some kind of comfort and understanding as to why my younger brother took his own life.
He was having marital problems and uncovered significant betrayal by his wife. He has two beautiful boys that are like my own. My brother and I are very close. My husband and I found him and I started to perform CPR/mouth to mouth resuscitation before the paramedics got there. He had taken his own life by carbon monoxide poisoning. If I had just got there 30 minutes sooner I might have saved him. This just happened 7 weeks ago on June 4, 2017. I am seeing doctors and counselors to help with the grief. I can’t seem to get his face out of my mind while I was performing CPR. I was staring right into his eyes begging Jesus to help me.

I never knew his depth of pain. I never thought it would come to this. I feel lost without him. I know that he is in a better place based on my blessed hope that we will be reunited with our Savior. I have always had what I thought was strong faith but I now realize that even that is given by God. I’m just trying to find my “new” normal that doesn’t include my little brother. He has left a huge whole in my heart and I know its not his fault.

I just keep cycling through denial, anger, depression and all of the could of, should of, would of’s. I have never experienced a pain like this before. It literally physically hurts. I am on several anti depressants prescribed by my physician so they have helped some BUT they don’t take away the pain and loss. I keep trying to make sense of it all??? How do you move forward and ever get over something like this? He was my ONLY sibling!

I also go through periods of guilt for not recognizing the signs. I knew he was having a tough time but we were there for him through it all!! I’m just trying to rely on my faith and hopefully someday find a place of peace that is not so painful. I don’t think the pain will ever completely go away! I’m asking God to help me learn to move forward but it has been baby steps! I wake up every morning thinking it was all a bad dream only to face another painful day! I LOVE YOU JUSTIN!! I BEG JESUS to please let JUSTIN know how much I love him and miss him!!

Feeling helpless

My brother took his life 6 years ago. He was a lost, lonely soul who suffered depression since he was a small child. I often think of him although I’m not sad for him. I’m happy he finally built up the courage to do it. Then I feel awful for thinking that, but there was no other option for him. I know he is at peace now but the feeling that I couldn’t help him stays with me. How do u move on? I always think about how lonely he was. I mean – he didn’t have one friend. How sad and lonely must that have been. I always think about the last night – how he must have felt. He jumped off a bridge at 5 am. How do I move on??