Will it ever stop?

Guest Post

 

 

My oldest brother, James, took his life three and a half years ago. Obvious it’s been hard as my whole family has tried to process for ourselves and help each other… And we’re not very good at it… We all miss him. The younger kids, myself included, feel hurt and short changed because with the age difference we really didn’t get much opportunity to get to know him and develop a relationship with him. My parents, especially my dad, were a wreck for a really long time, and it has just been in the last month or two that I haven’t been as concerned for them.

I’ve been dealing with my own bout of depression, and honestly while I am making sure to never entertain such thoughts and feelings, sometimes the thought comes that it would just be easier to not wake up one morning. I just spent this last year at school watching my roommate, who I truly love and care about, almost die from an eating disorder, until I finally harassed the right people into forcing her to get help. The sister just older than me has estranged herself from our family to pursue a really unhealthy relationship. And yesterday my baby sister swallowed a big handful of pills… It didn’t work, thank heavens… But she still tried to take her own life. She’s 16, and thought that was the best answer at the moment.

I know every life comes with difficulties and trials, and that everyone has free will, and that unfortunately illnesses are not all viruses or bacteria, but often the significantly less visible and quantifiable pain of a hurting soul… But does it ever stop? Will there ever be times again when everything will just be okay, maybe happy even? I’m just so tired, and I feel like I’ve been fighting an losing, uphill battle for just too long. But other people need me and so I can’t stop, and I won’t… But I would just really like a rest…

-Elizabeth

So many gone

Guest Post

 

In 1978 my brother Carter hung himself. I was fifteen at the time. I felt I not only lost my brother but my entire family. Back then there was no suggestion of counseling and those of us left we pretty much expected to keep it to ourselves. In 1981 my oldest sister Tacy took her life by an overdose. Then in 1998 my other brother, Calvin, who was Carter’s identical twin, hung himself. In 2006 my oldest nephew, Calvin’s son, hung himself. My only daughter attempted suicide last summer. I myself am in therapy, and have attempted suicide several times, as have my two surviving sisters. We all feel that we lost our parents when we first lost Carter, and it got worse with each death. Mom and Daddy are both gone now and I can’t help but be grateful that they are all together now. With each death our parents pushed us further and further away. We felt like everyone was just wondering which one would be next. Both my older sister and I have been diagnosed as bipolar with major depressive disorder and suicidal ideations. We are both actively seeking treatment, but we both worry about our younger sister as she does not admit to having a problem, even though I cut her down myself when she tried to hang herself. I miss them all, but I fight every day not to join them before my time.

 

Big Brother

Guest Post

I’ve never done anything like this before but lately I’ve been thinking about my brother. My mom has been trying to get me to talk but i don’t like talking about him. I thought i would give this a try. 8 months ago today my best friend Colby ended his own life. He was my best friend. Me and him got in a fight one day and he left. I was so stubborn and wouldn’t talk to him. We didn’t talk for about 6 months before he came back and got some things from my house. I said one word to him and that was the last word I ever said to him. I can’t help but feel that it was my fault that he left. If he didn’t leave, he would still be here. It’s really hard for me to go to school because my teachers loved him. I just don’t know what i should do.

Cailyn

To my Elder Bro Jonathan

Letters

Hey Brother where art though?

Boy have I missed you, it has been a little over two years since you have passed. There hasn’t been a day since that I haven’t thought of you, whether just wanting to call you or just to know that you are there to listen if I needed to call. I’m living in St. Cloud now, and every time I go home I am expecting to see your car in the driveway. Unfortunately, I never will see that again. But anywho just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and I miss you everyday. I hope that you are hanging out with Grandpa, Grandma, and Andrew up there.

Love,

Justin

 

To Charles

Letters

 

 

My house feels so empty. I hate coming home. Didn’t you know we loved having you here? Jake making breakfast every morning, we’d eat and you would pack your small cooler with sodas for lunch. And my heart would smile at you. And we’d take on the day as a team. We’d come home and you guys would watch tv, as I made dinner. And we’d watch tv, and we’d laugh and talk, and I miss that. Gosh, I miss you. Tomorrow is gonna be the hardest day of my life, and I wish you were here, so I didn’t have to do it. Why couldn’t you talk to us? We would have done anything for you. You knew I’d been there, feeling like that before, and I could have helped you. You always said you didn’t want to be a burden, truth is, and I guess you never believed me, that we didn’t want you to leave. You being here, made us happier. Taking care of you, made us happier. I need you, and now you are just gone. We love you, that will never change, it was a privilege to have known you and love you. We miss you so much!!! I often think of you, and want to send you a picture or a text, and cannot! I’ve accepted you are gone, I’ve accepted I will not see you again in this life, but yet I often forget… I still expect to see you when I pull up at mom’s. I still expect to get the random 3am texts to have me Google something for you. I still expect you to be in the backseat smiling and making fun of me when I look in the rearview mirror.

What is hardest for me to accept is that this was your choice, and that I do not understand! I try so hard not to be angry at you, as obviously you just hurt too much, but there are times I just can’t help it! I just want to scream at you! But instead I cry.

I miss you Charles!!!

-Lisa

my baby brother

Guest Post

 

 

I have four younger brothers, or had. Three months ago my brother just younger than me passed away from carbon monoxide posioning. That was very hard on all of us, but then it got drastically harder…

Almost three weeks ago, my husband, my brother and I went to easter at my grandmas, (its like a reunion, huge get-together) we had a great time and got home (my brother had been staying with us for about a month) We made popcorn and sat down to watch a movie, all of us laughed and laughed and just enjoyed the movie and each other.

My husband went to bed around 12:30 am. About ten minutes later, my brother got up, and i just assumed it was to go to the bathroom. After about half hour/ forty fuve minutes, I started to wonder what was up, so I went to the bathroom door to find the door open a crack and the light off, so i pulled it open, and he wasnt in there.

A few nights prior, he had gone outside, and said it was to get some fresh ir because his asthma was acting up. So this night i assumed the same, I went outside and called for him, didnt see him, but noticed my garage light was on in the stall farthest feom the house, so i walked over there and could partially see him (that stall is storage, and is very cluttered), i called out to him again with no response. So i walked around a stack of stuff, and then could fully see him hanging from the rafters, by a ratchet strap. I immediately called 911and screamed at the top of my lungs for help and ran to the house to grab a knife. I ran back and tried to support his weight, as i cut the strap, he fell, i began doing cpr, the chest compressions and mouth to mouth. I could tell by the way he smelled and how his lips tasted he was gone, but i couldnt stop. Finally the first cop got to my house, and i continued the compressions as he started the dibulator process, about that time the second cop got there, and i finally was able to stop and phone my mother, and wake up my husband, they say between me and them we did cpr for over an hour to no avail. He was only 22 years old.

I close my eyes and all i can see is him still up there, i hate coming home, and i feel so alone, no one understands, everyone keeps asking me “how you hanging in there” and i just want to scream!!! Do they realize how bad of a choice of words that is?!?!

-Lisa

Dear Garrett

Letters

Dear Garrett,

I really don’t know how to write this to you. I know that mom and dad have written you letters so why not give this a try. My counselor said one time that writing is good for grieving people but I don’t really believe that. I have mixed feelings about you leaving us. I too was depressed and wondered about ending my own life. I tried to be the voice of reason for why you did this. Even today I still am trying to reason it over and over in my head. I don’t think you understood what you were leaving behind. Mom… Dad… and what about me Garrett? Do you realize that you forgot about me in your letter to Mom? Do you realize that not only trying to grieve over you, that James hurt me? Cause if losing you wasn’t enough, I had to be toyed around by the boyfriend (at the time). Garrett, did you know you wouldn’t see me graduate? Did you know you wouldn’t see me get married? Did you know that you would never be an uncle to my kids? Did you know I would never be able to be an aunt to yours? You know, I do understand the dark place you were in, and how you thought Sara was your whole life. But Garrett, if Sara was your whole life and helped you make the decision to take your life, how could you expect us to not hate her? I have been torn between understand why and explaining why. Did you know that I kept mom and dad going? Do you know I went to college to prove you wrong? To show you I could do it! Sometimes I go back to that day and wish I came upstairs and talked to you when you dropped off my car. Why did I need to go through so much pain when I was only 17, Garrett??? Why do I find myself listening to songs about you in the car and cry? Do you know I wear your wrist band every time I show to see if you are there with me? I hope you saw me show in Oklahoma. You are my big brother and I needed you here.

I will see you again Garrett Norman,

Annelise

 

Brother

Guest Post

When i was 16 and brother ( a long time nickname) was 10, daddy died of cancer. he and mom had had a rough last year relationship. anyway. i grew up fast and strong. i had to. by the tine i was 19, i had moved into my own place and was living the adult life. brother…however was still at home…maybe 15 or sixteen…not sure of first date…but i got a call when i was 21 at my apartment…my mom screaming saying,” he did it!!”. well no one told me anything prior…so half awake i say ” what? really mom? its 6 am!?!” apparently brother had tried before but no one told me. like i said…i had to be strong. i was the daddy. anyway…she saved him…he did the therapy…took them pills…and life went on…like so many others, the pills worked…thinking they were cured. no. a year later…brother hung himself in my old room. skipped school…and hung himself. i have questions. i know the answers…he was disturbed…blah blah…he missed daddy…blah blah. now its affecting me. its been 8 yrs…but i wanna know. im an alcoholic now. i blame it on daddy and brother…but yea right.

Jamie

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