6 Days After Turning 49

Guest Post
I just lost my younger brother to suicide on December 27, 2023. He had just turned 49 on December 21st. He is the baby of the family out of all 4 of us siblings and I am only a year and a half older than him. We were very close throughout most of our lives. I was his only sister and tried to always be there for him. I am a wreck. My heart physically hurts and the guilt is overwhelming. I am still numb. I’m having trouble sleeping and eating.
He was diagnosed bipolar and fighting mental illness for a long time. I’m struggling to wrap my head around him being gone.
I have never felt this kind of sorrow.
Love you always my little Brother.

To K

Letters

K,

It’s been almost 9 years now. I’ve really been living by the whole “grief doesn’t shrink, life gets bigger around it” thing. I graduated college but my own mental health is still bad, even on meds so I’m still living with mom and unemployed at 26 :/.

I just don’t know where to go in life really. Everything makes me feel bad and reminds me of you and our trauma overall really. I’m just used to you being there to mark the path before me and without a big sister I have to face all of it alone with no example set for me. I’m older than the few friends I have and none of them struggle the way we both have so they don’t really get it. I’m trying to forge a path on my own but I still feel like a little kid, completely lost in the woods without you.

I haven’t given up on my art and have improved a lot since you saw it last but I still feel disappointed every time I finish a painting and you’re not there to see it. I listened to an album by a band you would’ve hated bc they’re my depressing indie music, but one line the singer wrote is “I don’t want to learn anything from this”. I feel that way every time I paint you or tell someone about losing you. I don’t want you to just be a story that makes people hold their family a little closer when they hear it.

We have a stepdad now and he’s actually really great. Just when I’d given up on having real loving parents, he came into my life. I just wish you’d been around to meet him and enjoy all of the changes that have happened. I guess I would enjoy them more too if you were there to enjoy them with me like you’re supposed to be. Above anything else I miss laughing with you at stupid memes and cuddling in your awful neon magenta bedroom and doing your makeup for Xmas eve.

I hope T is with you at least and that wherever you are, you both remember playing baseball in the field with the lightning bugs and wild strawberries until it was too dark to see the ball and mom called us for dinner. I dreamt you were together after she died.
You’re missing out on H too. He’s adorable and so silly. You would’ve loved playing together.

I just hope there’s an afterlife and I see you again. I don’t want to die lately but life just doesn’t excite me. Everything seems so boring and pointless when I’m facing a future without your smile. Anyway, I hope you still exist somewhere.

Love you sis,
G

2 years on NYE

Guest Post
Querida hermanita;Two years ago, we were celebrating Amelia’s birth on Christmas Day. You seemed so happy! Even now, I wonder what went wrong. I know you didn’t want to die. You went to the hospital to get help. You had the crisis number next to your phone by the bed. What went wrong? My dear sister, I am so lost! So broken! I ache. Yes, I ache all the time. My heart aches My whole body aches. My mind aches. I have a difficult time celebrating New Year’s Eve anymore. I had a terrible sense of foreboding that NYE. I felt that someone had died or was going to die and Mike just told me to stop being dramatic, nothing bad was going to happen. I had no idea that it would be you, that I was actually feeling you leaving this earth. We were so connected that I felt you. And all I can say now is why why why? When will the crying stop? When will I be myself again? Will I ever? I am sorry for the things I said wrong, for the things I didn’t say right. I miss you. And I will always love you. With much love, con mucho amor, tu hermana.

37 years

Guest Post
Thirty-seven years ago tonight my life changed forever. I have posted here in the past, usually around this date and again in early February.
On this date 37 years ago my brother set himself on fire and lived for 43 days. Today they put you in a medically induced coma for such an event, but back then not so much.
It has gotten better for me across the years. It is still the worst thing that ever happened to me. But I do not have to will every breath I take. I don’t wake up crying from my nightmares.
I do know now my brother made a choice and it was not my fault. I know he did not wish us pain or harm. I believe he was exhausted from a life of too many secrets and maybe a bit too much alcohol. He shared himself for as long as he could.
Each of us here are on our own journey, but these pages keep us from being alone. Keep coming here. Seek help. Journal. Talk. Nurture yourself. Wrap up in a blanket on the couch. If that is all you can do, that is enough. You are more than enough.
We have each stood in the unfathomable moment of being told or finding the body. We have thought over and over, “I cannot survive this.”
I am here to say breathe. Keep breathing. Keep coming back here.

I didn’t keep my brother

Guest Post

My brother hung himself in precinct after telling my younger sister he would try to end it every chance he got . I feel like I failed my big brother. I have seen him suffering his entire life especially as a teenager wanting something from our mother she refused to give . I became my brothers keeper and it feels like as soon as I reached to my other family for help cuz I was so drained . I didn’t fulfill my duty as a sister . I wanted to bail him out but part of me wanted my other brother to spend his money to humble and show him money isn’t everything – let’s do a good deed with it . I wish we never bailed him out the first time. He skipped bail eventually and got picked up on another charge and killed himself . I feel sick and I feel like it’s my fault somehow in some way.

Bye

Guest Post, Letters
I keep seeing you in my dreams. Sometimes I can see your face but other times you don’t have one. Why do you keep coming back? Is it to just torment me? I’m scared to sleep. I’m scared of seeing you again. Will you tell mom hi and that she doesn’t need to hate me anymore?

I still need my big brother. I see Lillian running around and chasing Ash and screaming at each other and all I think about is that I miss my bubba.

I’m done typing now.

From Womb to 39

Guest Post
Subject: From Womb to 39
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We shared the same classes, friends, cars, jobs…I am clueless how to do life without you. I’m now a twineless twin, after 39 years.9 months have passed, time is standing still and moving too fast. Half of my DNA, heart and soul were roughly ripped away from me on 3/17/23…The day both of us died. Physically, only you.

This pain is far too intense. The antidepressants take the edge off a little.

I’m so sorry we had such a tough upbringing and depression ended up taking your life. I could never ever be mad at you for leaving me. I was there first hand to witness everything in your life that brought you to that moment in the woods.

We had such big plans. I’ll try to keep them going alone.

Sis, I love and miss you more than I could have never imagined. I will find you one day, wherever you are. You will always be my #1!

Interesting

Letters
Seeking you somewhere there; absolutely anywhere. My dearest little brother there will never be another.
This life will go on. Hopeful of years to come with ultimate passing. Some point the memories will disappear how sad for you me and all we hold dear.

Interesting this fleeting life.
So much adventure, love and fight.
So I lie here one year waiting.
Waiting for an answer that will be ongoing… fading.

The anger it comes. The sadness it goes.
Frustrated at others frivolous woes.
Angry at me who struggles to see
There is so much more right in front of me

I’m sorry one year later for not going over
I knew better but struggled to find the courage to bolster. My dearest little brother there will never be another.

Forever 30

Guest Post
5 months ago today. I feel like I have so much to get off my chest but I can’t find the words. I keep beating myself up about our last few years together…. I knew we both had scars, but I never expected to get that call. You had so much to live for… just a couple weeks before you’d talked me out a funk with your typical irreverent and hilarious wit. So many memories that I share with only you…. they’re only mine now I guess. I always pictured us getting old together with rocking chairs and shot guns on a porch sipping sun tea in the morning and home brew in the evening telling stories to the grandchildren. Second hand lions style… I’m doing my best for mom and baby sis and kids. I hope it’s enough. I hope I’m making you proud little brother. I miss you like hell but I hope you’re at peace. I hope that money I left with you was enough to pay the ferryman.