I love you.

Though we were not biologically related, you were my full-blooded big brother no matter what. I haven’t been able to process the immense loss we have all been experiencing since you decided to end things. I feel numb constantly, like I can’t feel these emotions because I feel guilty that I was not more concerned about you the night your mom and other sister told me you ran off.
I couldn’t comprehend you ever doing such a thing, I had no idea you were hurting so greatly and I hate myself for that. I would do anything to have you back here with us. You visit me a lot in my dreams. I don’t know if it’s actually you trying to give me a message from beyond the grave, or if it’s my nocturnal mind’s way of telling me I need to process this. You always have such a comforting, happy presence in my dreams, and I am so grateful everytime I get to see you. I miss you constantly Jay. You were an angel on earth, and I am so angry you didn’t get the life you deserved to live. You deserved the big family you always talked about wanting to start, and how you wanted to be a marine biologist. I hate that I am now older than you were when we lost you. I wish you were still here so I could tell you everything that’s happened recently. I moved out of state, and finally broke up with that guy that you didn’t like. I met a really nice man and we are building a wonderful life together. I wish that you could come stay with us here, you would love the forest and the lakes near us, and the beach too. I am angry that you were treated so poorly by others that you felt it was your responsibility to stop that by ending your life. I am angry at your ex girlfriend every day, and my stomach flipped upside down when she showed up to your funeral practically making out with your cousin. I hate her, but I’m trying to make peace for her in my heart because that’s what you always did. Our peacemaker. I love you buddy. I hope there is a heaven, so that I can see you again and hear your silly jokes