Why today?

I’ve never done this before and I’m not really sure why I’m starting now, I guess I just want feel less alone in my pain. My brother committed suicide about 9 months ago and as painful as it was in the beginng, my life seemed to carry on to the point where I almost thought I could live with what happened. I would cry every now and then at night or get sad when I saw a picture but I’ve never been a person that cries to begin with and I usually keep my pain to myself. I think about him everyday and everyday it hurts but the pain has not stopped me from living. I wrote a paper about him in school and it was hard to do but I could handle it and I haven’t had many moment of breaking down. I really thought that I could deal with what happened to my brother and that I would be OK as I have been doing really well these past months. It wasn’t until today when I was cleaning out my closet and found his old shirt that I realized I have been wrong. I walk by his room everyday and even go in it often with my mother and reminisce on his artifacts left there. I still walk into his room and wear his shirts and hoodies all the time and can continue normally throughout my fay. I thought nothing of returning his shirt until I arrived at his closet. When I got there I just found myself looking at his clothes still hanging on the rack. I saw his size 12 shoes empty and slightly worn on the ground, his stuff animals in a box on the shelf, and a poster he had made when he was in kindergarten. These were all items I have frequently seen before and they were nothing out of the ordinary. But All of a sudden I couldn’t breath, I couldn’t bring myself to hang the shirt I had taken from him so long ago. I imagined his thin frame that used to barely fill out his favorite shirts that hung before me. Its been a really long time since I have sobbed or even cried but today I couldn’t even stand in that moment. I fell to the floor and cried for 3 long hours and looked through all of his things over and over again. It was like I was seeing all of his possessions for the first time after his death and I physically could not bring myself to leave his room. It has been 9 months and this is the first time this has happened to me besides in the first couple of weeks after he died. I don’t know why this is all coming out now or if this newfound sadness I feel will stay for a while. I am not an emotional person and often I am the one comforting my mother and older brother but right now I am paralyzed by sadness. I don’t have many people to talk to about my brother and even more so I don’t like talking about my brother with people because I feel like no one would understand. I guess I just want to know if there is anyone else out there that has had a similar experience to me. Usually I can block out my sadness and distract myself but today is the first time that is has been impossible for me to think of anything else. I guess I’m just looking for some direction, or some advise that could pull me out of this immense pain I am currently feeling.

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2 Responses to Why today?

  1. John Wassmer says:

    I would say this.
    Prayer.
    Thank God for the time you did have with him.
    Honor him by living your life to the fullest.
    I’m sure
    That is what he would have wanted.
    I lost my brother October 12
    2016 and the sadness will remain, but moving on is the best thing and remember the good times and try to lighten the mood by laughing on occasion about the little things that you shared.
    Pray one day you’ll be together again and he made it to heaven first.
    I’m sorry for your loss and may God bless you for truly loving him as many siblings are not close.
    Peace

  2. Nicola says:

    Sometimes I just rock through , everyone sees me as the positive energetic one, inside I’m so sad but also angry my brother left and did not reach out, he planned everything months ahead…. He did not think about my grief as his only sibling sister… I don’t think it will ever leave, the suicide has bought back awful memories of our disadvantaged and abusive up bringing,,, all I can do is survive and be strong to change future patterns , mark my brother will know I’m crazy mad with him…

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