What do I do now?

Hey Antoni,
This Tuesday will be 6 weeks since you decided to give up on us. I miss you like crazy, you have no idea how hard it is for me. I started drinking again. I know I promised you I wouldn’t, but I don’t like staying with my thoughts. Besides, you’re gone now so that promise doesn’t count anymore. Today’s the first day this week I haven’t gotten drunk but the night is still young, I’ll try my best not to.
Antoni, how do I respond to the question about how many siblings I have? If I say two older and two younger, I get upset knowing you’re not actually here. But if I say two younger one older, it’s like I’m trying to get rid of you. Both are terrible options. I just want you back.
You knew exactly how to help me fight my own demons. Now I’m struggling on my own and I’m not very good at it. This is my first semester in college, and I can’t even imagine the next semester yet alone the next few years.
You promised to stay with me. Now I’m alone, and I just don’t know what to do?
PLEASE JUST WAKE UP. WAKE UP!! I NEED YOU. YOUR LITTLE BABY SISTER NEEDS HER BIG BROTHER. PLEASE, please.
I love you Tonio, I’m sorry I failed you.

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2 Responses to What do I do now?

  1. Bridgette says:

    What do you do? …i hate say this but you grieve. You ride the waves as emotions that you can’t control, in the beginning take over. You be kind to yourself. You work on forgiveness all around. I lost my brother too. This November 1st is the 1 year terrible gut wrenching anniversary my beautiful brother left this earth. It HURTS…my God it hurts! 💔 take it 1 day at a time, reach out to at least 1 person or more, and ride the tidal waves to the best of your ability. Eventually you will be able to have some control. To function and organize your thoughts to be productive in your new world always missing your beloved. Many prayers to you and sending love to your broken heart. I wish you well. You are not alone. ❤

  2. Caroline nanjekho. says:

    I am indeed sorry for that loss!..,but remembering the dead to that extend is traumatising. Pray that God intervenes to enable you accept the inevitable because you must live on and wait for your day. I

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