Subject: To those who have lost a sibling to suicide
To those who have lost a sibling to suicide:
May 6th, 2006 we lost my little sister Theresa. She was 13 and my parents came home to find her hanging. I have been sitting here reading all of your posts, really listening to your words and I can feel every emotion that each of you feel. The guilt, the shame, the wondering left of wishing that there was something more you could have done for your sibling. I have dealt with this for the past 11 years. I was 15 when I lost my sister. I felt guilty wondering everyday how did I not know that she was going to do that? How did she not know how much she was loved and adored by everyone around her. Why would she do that? Did she have no idea the mess of pain that she would leave behind? And you will go through stages you will be so angry at them sometimes and sometimes you will just miss them so bad it hurts. But what you can never do is fully understand it. Though you may rip your head apart at times to try to, there it no explanation for it It was there life and theres to choose to take And if fucking sucks. Sorry to say that but it does. But your life needs to go on still. Your a survivor of probably one of the most horrible deaths that you will ever experience. But you are still here. And the most you can do is live to honor your siblings memory. There will be stages and sometimes the pain subsides and you feel guilty for being happy, for enjoying your life, your new life without your sibling there. But isn’t that what they would have wanted you to do? Its hard and Im not going to pretend its easy to lose a sibling to suicide. Life sucks sometimes. But you don’t have to make yours suck after their death. The rest of your life is up to you and what you choose to make out of it. 11 years and this week, her anniversary, is always the hardest for me. It feels like I just lost her. But than there are plenty of times I am happy. And I smile at the time I was allowed to have with her. It was her choice and nothing I did or could do can change that. Its done. I miss my sister so much but the pain does get better. I understand those feelings, I felt so abandoned by her. I was so mad at her. I wanted to die after I lost her. I thought she has no idea what true loss is. But I didn’t live her life, I didn’t live in her shoes. And as much as I tried too 11 years later I still have no idea what went through her head that day. What I do know is she would not want me to live my life moping around because of her death. She would want me to live my life to the fullest, to take advantage of every moment. Because all of us know better than most people just how precious life is. Live to honor them! Live to cherish your sibling. Because you cant go back to the past no matter how many times you wish you could. Live a life that would make them proud.