pain over my sister

I lost my 42yr old sister to brain cancer 2yr ago i am 47 and not coping i have a beautiful wife and two sons one of whom is about to have a baby of his own with his girlfriend my mother is herself and i know she isnt coping so i need to be there for the rest of the family, since my sister passed away i have changed i am so down and withdrawn i laugh and joke but that is a mask so no one can see what really is going on i thought about ending my life as the pain i am going through is constant every day not one day goes by that i dont think of her i go to her grave and find it hard that she is lying there i keep asking myself why couldnt it have been me the nights are the hardest when the demons come i dont / cant talk to anyone about here as all i have are memories and if i talk to anyone then those memories wont belong to me anymore

 

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