One year ago (SiblingsSurvivors Guest Post)

One year ago

My brother passed away about a year ago from a self inflicted gunshot wound. My last interaction with him was about a month before he died and I was mean. I could tell something was off with him. He was drinking way more than usual and was smoking a lot. I gave him crap for it and was genuinely made at him. I left without saying goodbye or telling him I loved him. I was so mad I didn’t even reach out to him the month leading up to his death. I know there isn’t a point in dwelling on something I cannot change now, but for the past year I have gone over everything in my head and I just hope he knew that I loved him. He was always there for me and I couldn’t be there for him. He was my big brother and one of the most important people in my life. He was kind and smart and loving and simply an amazing person. I don’t know if this will ever get easier but I hope I can live a life he would have wanted me to live.

I buried my baby brother yesterday (SiblingsSurvivors Guest Post)

Subject: I buried my baby brother yesterday

8 days ago, I got the call that shattered my soul, my baby brother, my only sibling, 30 yrs old, hung himself. I was, am, so very angry, sad, confused, numb. He survived, 6 days, icu, and hospice care in the hospital. I buried him yesterday, and now I’m just here. I don’t know how I’m gonna survive this, I don’t know how to handle it. I will. One day at a time I suppose. But just for today, the first day I have nothing to do, I just don’t know how.

Stinging Tears

When I cry, I feel the pain of your loss. I feel the sting of my tears. I am hurting. When I cry, I imagine you can feel my pain too, the stinging tears, the hurt. It feels good to imagine you can feel that pain. Good. I look up, and for an instant I hope you’re looking down at me and I want you to feel bad for me. Good. Feel bad. Feel my pain, I think to myself. I know you didn’t really want to leave me. You just wanted the pain to end. Well, too bad. That was only the beginning. Sorry for being a negative Nancy. Damnit, I miss you. I wish you could come back to me. I know you do, too, Eli.

8 Months :( Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday Serg, you have been gone for 8 months now & its so hard not to be able to tell you in person, hug & kiss you but I find some comfort in knowing that our grandma is throwing you a big party like she use to in Monterrey & your surrounded by all our loved ones that have left us. What I would give to turn back the time mijo, I miss you so much that it hurts so bad. We are going to visit you to church and then going to have dinner with your boys to celebrate you, we believe your spirit will be there with us.. This has been extremely hard for us our mom is still devastated and very depressed nothing or no one can cheer her up & our dad poor him, he tries to pick up the pieces but our family is too broken nothing can put us back together, YES you were that important, YES we loved you more than anything, YES your decision ruined our family AND YES we forgive you because no matter what we love you and have to accept the fact that you are not coming back. I know we will see you again and that is the only thing I hold on to that gives me hope & comfort… Love you always & forever your sis…

It’s been one week

One week ago today you woke up feeling like you have no purpose. Feeling like you didn’t want to live another day. I had no idea you were in such a dark place. I had no idea you wanted to die so desperately. I had no idea because I was so consumed in my own life. I didn’t ask you about yours. I didn’t think about your problems or your sadness. I only thought about my own. I always think I just have to get thru today. Well you couldn’t get thru it last week. You couldn’t go thru one more day. I wish I felt your sadness. I wish I had know your pain. I wish I had told you I love you. I wish I had helping you just get theu the day. I wish your only sibling wasn’t a selfish little sister like me.
Can we be best friends? Can we be sisters when we meet again? I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I loved you.

Happy Birthday (SiblingsSurvivors Guest Post)

Dear Sister,
Today you would have turned 26. I can’t believe it’s been 11 years since I’ve seen you. I’m so sad that you’re not here. I know it was partially my fault. It was all of our fault. I had a dream that night. I dreamed demons were surrounding someone…lying to her…trying to make her go into the water. I woke up knowing I needed to go to the back porch at Moms, I didn’t know who or why just that I needed to stop the demons from destroying our family- our parents. I couldn’t go back to sleep. I didn’t go. I didn’t know how to explain to my husband why I was leaving the house so late. I didn’t know where my keys were. I had an overwhelming urge to smoke a cigarette. I sat on the porch and cried, prayed I wouldn’t ever want to kill myself. I never went to rescue you like I was supposed to. I will never forgive myself for failing you.
I find solace knowing that the Bible says blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God.
Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen.

To my older brother (SiblingSurvivors Letters)

At first, I was incredulous. The news fell upon my unexpectant ears and I completely disassociated, I was calm from one place but in reality I was screaming. My fists were banging into my head. I was out of control. Didn’t you realise how much you were loved?
I thought it was a conspiracy. I thought it was a lie. I thought our family was lying to us. Until I saw you. I saw you and your dead hands and unmoving chest. I saw you and I collapsed to the floor crying, all I can see now is those hands. Didn’t you realise how much we loved you?
We carried your coffin at your funeral. My legs were shaking, my heart had fallen and slipped out from beneath my kneecaps. Your son sat in the pew, watching his aunties carry his father to be burned. I have never felt pain like I did that day. The pure unparalleled pain taints me still, it burns white hot right through me everyday. Didn’t you realise how much I loved you?
I will never understand how your reasoning outweighed the reasons to stay, but I understand the turmoil you were in. I just wish I could have saved you, I could have helped you. I wish you had thought of the last time and realised this wasn’t the only option. I wish you could have remembered sitting beside your little sister and supporting her through her suicidal impulses. I wish you could have remembered protecting her against everything in the world, even when you had no power to. I wish you understood the boundless love I have for you.
I miss you and I don’t think anybody will truly understand the depth of this feeling of pure loss. I love you still and always, I’m so sorry that you didn’t think there were other options.

K (SiblingSurvivors Letters)

K,
Its been, like, 2 years since I last wrote you on this site. It’s coming up on year four without you and I still feel your absence everywhere. I still panic everytime I smell anything that resembles the flowers at the funeral home. There’s just this gaping hole that’s never going to be filled and it always hurts. I’ve been on this planet longer than my big sister. I’m about to turn 21 and I’m starting college but it doesn’t feel like I’m going anywhere. I feel like
The day you died, my clock just stopped and I’m doing things to better my life but I don’t feel anything other than the pain of your loss.
There were so many times that I wanted to die growing up and I never did it because I thought we had some special connection that nobody could touch and if I died it would ruin you but the longer i exist without you, the more I wonder if you even cared about me at all.
You did the worst thing anyone’s ever done to me. Not when you took your last breath but when you said your final goodbyes to me. When I thought I would see you in a week or two but you were already making your plans. When you looked me right in the eye with no remorse that day outside your dorm and you held me and told me to be good to myself and told me you loved me knowing you were about to destroy me.
You’re the only person in this world I allowed myself to get close to and you took that from me.
And I dont believe in an afterlife and stuff but I feel like I’m actually talking to you when I write to you and I worry that you are still around somewhere and can see this and regret killing yourself and I’m hurting your feelings when I get angry at you.
Idk I just have my own mental illness that was similar to yours and, ultimately, I’m in control of my own actions but I also personify my own mental illness so much that I can’t decide if I should be mad at you for killing yourself or mad at your mental illness for killing you.
Either way I still love you. That’s why it hurts so much.
Miss you,
G

To my brothers (SiblingSurvivors Letters)

You were both too young to go, and I wish you would have gotten a real chance to see that. I wish I’d visited more often, told you how much you meant to me. I knew you were struggling, and so was I, but never could I have imagined a life without you. 24 and 21 years old, why didn’t I do more? I should have. We all should have.
Life without you is slowly starting to function, but it’s not the same. Not by a long shot. It never will be. Your dog Björn, your stupid dog, he barks a lot and I should take him on long walks but I just can’t bring myself to do it. And Jens.. how I wish we could have had more time together, to get to know each other. Our sister is hurting so much, and so am I. My only comfort is that you have Björn to take care of you, wherever you are.
I do my best at work, with my friends and with school that’ll start up again soon. I wish you were her to see all that in person, and so that you could pet that damned dog. I think he misses you, and I think your cat misses you Jens. We all do.
In 9 months my life has changed in ways I never thought. I honestly thought I’d be the dead one and you’d be writing letters to me on the internet. But I see now that that would never have been possible, you both struggled too hard and didn’t recieve the help you so desperatly needed.
I just want you to know that I miss you more than anything, and that I wouldn’t be who I am today without you. You’re my heroes, and you bet I’ll carry on the legacy. I’ll tell your story a million times to a million people if need be. You’re worth it, you were always worth it.
With great love, and many tears.
-Your sister