Dear Mitch

Hey man , I miss you so much. Its been 3 years now and it still feels like a dream. We were supposed to grow up together and go through this thing called life together. I dont enjoy anything as much as i used to, ppl dont get the sense of humour we had and the secrets only me n you know of. I’m sorry i wasnt there for you in the end, i feel like i gave up on you for my own selfish needs. I only thought about myself when u always thought about us first, and ill forever be ashamed of that. I was selfish and when you left us it hit hard how much you did for me. It was always me n you for 25 years i wouldnt trade any of it. I’m proud to be your brother and always will be. Love you Mitch

I’m Sorry.

I miss my little brother so much. He took an overdose just over a year ago. He was always the cool, funny one. He was always my favourite. He was so creative an clever and used to make me really nice things. Candlesticks, a carved stone, drawings…. Really thoughtful person. I just miss him a lot.
I keep thinking though, of every time I said something that hurt him. Or made him sad. Things when we were children and when we were older. He was really sensitive I think. And I keep feeling so incredibly guilty for leaving him alone when I left home. Home was always pretty claustrophobic and when I left, about 9 years ago now, I somewhat selfishly sunk myself into a new life, and didn’t speak to my family much including him and I dont know why. It was round about that time that he started to get depressed. I wish he knew that I really loved him and was proud of him so much.
I always thought he was going to be just fine, that he would pull through. I imagined him hanging out with me and my friends, us being older and having our own houses. I always pictured him in my life.
And then I feel so guilty because maybe I didn’t take it seriously enough. He tried once before and I told myself it was a cry for help and he didn’t really mean to do it. I didn’t listen enough. I wasn’t kind enough. I didn’t listen enough. Wasn’t there enough.
I loved him so much, but I never really made sure he knew. Did he know?? I’ve no idea. I just miss him a lot and hate that he felt so alone and stuck. I hate that I left him alone all those years ago, and just was waiting for the point that he would follow, but it was too long.
I also keep wondering things I can’t know the answer to… Was he abused in that time? Did something really bad happen? I keep having dreams where something has happened to him and I haven’t helped him.
I miss him so much.

Miss you

Hey David,
I’ve been missing you since October 17, 2018, but I focused on finishing my master’s and the grief is hitting me hard now that I’ve turned in my comprehensive exam… it was hard to get motivated after you passed, but I know it’s what you would have wanted.
I opened our old Google chat the other day and scrolled back to the first message where you told me you needed my help with a project for Engineering school. Specifically, whether a hydroponics system would be sustainable within your design for a fully sustainable house and whether grey water could be used…… You were so brilliant Dave. I hope you know how proud we all are of your great ideas and innovative spirit.
At first, when I came home for your funeral it was like those times you were on a skiing trip and I was at college and we just ‘missed each other’. But now I’m beginning to really feel that you’re gone and it hurts immensely.
I would have really like to talk to you about my final project of designing a STEM center for schools… I know you would have had lots of ideas for student-directed projects and some engineering expertise to add.
I know you were dealing with severe symptoms of schizophrenia and depression and you decided enough was enough… but I wish I could have done something, anything… to keep you here with us.
I love you, lil’ brother,
love,
Dara

One year ago today….

My Dearest Kate,
It was exactly one year ago today that we received that horrible call from the Toronto police – a call that changed our lives permanently, that you’d taken your own life in a creepy, dilapidated hotel in downtown Toronto. Since then me, mom and dad have been grappling with feelings of guilt, sadness and anger, wondering if there was anything we could’ve done to stop you. I know you’d gone off your meds, and that does somehow make it easier to understand, but not accept. I miss you each and every day, and think of you each morning when I wake up and each night when I go to sleep. The great times we had as kids, the time we were apart when you disappeared – us not knowing where you were for so many years, or that you’d been diagnosed and committed for your mental illness. The truth is Kate, we loved you more than you ever knew, and I just wish I’d have told you more. This past year I’ve kept thinking that once we hit the one year mark I’d be able to move past the grief, but it just hasn’t happened. The only comfort I have is knowing you’re in heaven and one day I’ll see you again. I’ve asked mom and dad to dinner tomorrow night as a celebration of your life, but I suspect they’re too upset, so maybe a quiet night In is best for everyone. I hope I’m some ways that you’re looking down on us and seeing what this has done to us, and maybe in some way realizing now how much you’re missed. That’s it for now, but I’ll write you again. Miss you and love you always.
Your brother.

Stace

I lost you. On April 9, you disappeared from my life. You were my only sister, and may have been the only person on the planet that would know the real me. To think that you were alone and afraid torments my every waking thought. I am so afraid that I cannot recover, and simultaneously afraid to recover. Everything I loved seems meaningless. The things we shared are impossible to forget, yet I am grasping for each memory, terrified to lose even one. Facing the night is just a horrible segue to an even more painful day. I miss you.

How can I help him?

My significant other’s brother took his own life last week. He is struggling, and I’ve done my best to be there for him but I feel I am failing him.
He says he feels lost, does not want to go on, and seems to just be in a haze. They were close when they were younger, but rarely saw each other as adults, both now in their late 30s. Their father passed away some time ago but their mother survives, and since this happened she has not been kind to my SO. I do understand that she is also hurting, but I fear she is doing a great deal of harm. That said, I don’t think it would be beneficial to point out the toxicity his mother is bringing to the table.
I have gathered information for him about counseling options and made sure he knows I am here whenever he needs me. So far he has refused counseling services, and I do not believe he has done any research on coping with the situation, even though he has acknowledged he is not okay. What else can I do for him?

Li’l Bro

Today, I start the rest of my life without you. How does one feel so badly and show no signs of it? You and I have been the only survivors of our family of 5 since 1982. How could you leave me. How could you leave your family? I am so angry, I can’t calm down. I am so sad, I can’t stop crying. How could you do this???? My God! You were the most kindest, loving soul and were so loved. Good-by Li’L Bro. I love you.

Best Friends Forever

My brother took his life on Dec 6th 2018. My last msg from him was 1 day prior, it simply said “Hello” It was late at night & he would often muck about with silly msgs so i decided to leave till morning. I replied “Hi :)” I never got a reaponse. There was no way of knowing i would never here from him again.
I had planned to hang himself at work on a remote minesite… and that he did. Leaving our entire family shocked, hundreds of friends in disbelief.
Four months have passed and i still find trouble comprehending my best friend, my only full blood brother is gone forever. We lived in different states of Australia & only saw each other a few times a year, but always kept in contact. But he was booked to arrive to stay with me on Dec 24th for Christmas with the family :(.
I knew he was depressed but no one! Knew that he would take his own life…. He was grieving fpr a friend who passed, and our mum died 2 years ago… also a relationship break up, money troubles etc but these where all things we spoke about regularly.
I will love him forever, he is very much apart of me, we share the same blood. Oneday when its my time we may meet again ♡ until then i will celebrate him and remember the good times we had growing up ♡♡♡

To Joe on National Siblings’ Day

Hey bro. I don’t think we ever celebrated this day, but I wish I could with you. It’s been over a year now, but I still remember hearing mom telling me over the phone like a thunderclap.
We all miss you so much. I don’t think I’ll ever get over that you’ll never meet my child or any of our children. I guess I thought you and me were the most likely to get married and have kids, and that we’d be the ones running the big family events. I wish I had realized just how close to the edge you were.
I still don’t know what to tell people when they ask about my siblings. I keep talking like all of my siblings are alive, and then I stumble. I keep expecting you to come back, like you’re just on a lengthy, solitary vacation or something. There’s something so final about suicide that I can’t comprehend, and I just keep waiting for you to come back.
I don’t think any of our hearts will ever heal completely, but I want you to know you’re here with us on National Siblings Day, and we miss you so much.
I love you. I hope I get to see you again.