I love you older bro. (SiblingsSurvivors Guest Post)

It marks nearly 4 months (since May 25/26) since you departed from here.
I am constantly reminded by that night, where I found you asleep. You had your meds, alcohol lying around. You were listening to music peacefully, and had the window with the cold wind.
Simply thinking you were cold from the wind, I didn’t realize that your body was cold and lifeless. You were vibrant that day, and was outgoing, and we even shared a 2 hour conversation before I left to meet with my friend.
I can’t believe your last words to me was I love you too
You didn’t reach out to us, and I honestly feel like we were left in the dark. I knew you were going through things, but I did not realize the severity of your pain and your darkness. I wish we could have done more to guide you out of that darkness.
I constantly think about that night, and my suicidal urges, and the will to live. But you have given me a reason to live, and I will do what is right to fulfill my needs.
Thank you for being my role model and my mentor. When my time comes, I wish I can see you again and reminisce on the good times we had growing up. For now, I realize that life is sacred and I should cherish it.
Love you Rome.

Finally free

I was looking for a place to go and vent my feelings. I was looking for a support group but found this site. Here goes my story. My brother just killed himself on August 15th. My dad was the one who found him hanging in the garage. We had no clue about what he was going to do. He left no note. He got out of rehab 3 months to the day we buried him. I spent the most amount of time with him and I was blindsided. I am still grieving and have no clue as how to go on. We were the closest in age just 2 years apart. We grew up together and went to school together and shared the same vehicle. I got his death certificates in the mail today and I have been upset all afternoon. I miss him every day. I miss him coming to my house almost every day. I miss him telling me “come on we got s*** to do”

Lost Soul

My little brother passed away 9/4/19. I was in disbelief when I heard the news. My heart ached so much. I started to regret not spending more time with you. I was angry I didn’t take you with me when I came to visit. I just didn’t think you liked girly things and I didn’t want to bore you. I wished I’d created more memories of you. I regret so much not being about to connect with you like you connected with your close friends. I can’t imagine how sad and lonely you must have felt about life, the world, and insignificant. You have no idea, but I had plans to do and take you places with me and support you along the way. I’d wish you gave me a chance to get to know you. I tried hard to be there and listen to you. Idk if I was the only one that ever tried to reach out to you, but I hope you knew your family loved you so much. Your friends adored you. You made an impact on people’s lives and I wished you saw that before you left us. Ik you probably felt leaving a letter would bring more harm than good, but it would have been some kind of closure for us to understand WHY you left us. I love you so much and I don’t want you to be lonely wherever you are. I wish you come to visit me in my dreams. Sometimes, I wish you’d come back to take me with you. I’m left with so much anger in me, I have no way to deal with it. I’m not the same without you anymore. I just want you to know, you were never alone, and that I would have tried much harder to keep you alive had I known you were feeling like it wasn’t worth it anymore. I just want you back. I just want to come home and see you on your bed. I just want to go back in time when you were little and relive those happy moments. Wait for me. I’ll see you again.

To my brother Jaden

Dear Jaden, not a day goes by where I don’t think about you. You have been gone for a year. I hold a lot of regrets and I am just so angry at myself. I should have reached out to you more. I should have talked to you when I had the chance. I could have been there for you. I should have been there for you. After you died in February life just got hard. I had all this anger inside of me because I felt like I wasn’t a good sister. If I could ask you one question I would ask why didn’t you leave a letter or something. I just feel lost without you. I am trying to get help with everything that has happened to me. But at the same time I just feel lost and lonely without you. I want you to come back everyday to me. I miss you so much.

My everything

Until October of 2018, I took everything for granted. It’s really true, you don’t know what you have till you lose it. I never in a million years thought my brother would leave like this. I never was aware of his mental battel with extreme anxiety disorders. Everything was a complete shock to me. The worst part is that I still have no letter, no explanation, no closure. I wish I could have helped, I wish I could have known, and I wish this never happened. My soul, my heart, my everything is missing because I lost my life long best friend. The only thing I am sure of in this world is that I will make a difference, I will help others with mental health disorders. I know he would be proud and I know he is always watching from above. I love you with all my heart brother. I miss you everyday <3

Is this normal?

I lost my brother to suicide last summer (2018). He suffered from alcoholism and had many previous suicide attempts, so sadly his death in this manner was not completely unexpected, although still shocking and difficult to grieve. After my brother’s suicide, I found myself worrying a lot about since this was my genetic brother, maybe was I capable of getting this depressed and troubled myself? My question to all of you is did you ever worry about this? I came across someone on some random youtube saying that they heard that if you lose a sibling to suicide you are 50% more likely to become suicidal yourself. This was shocking and scary to me. I feel partially angry at my brother for committing suicide if this is the case. I don’t want to worry like this!

My little sister

My sister took her life last year 3 days before her 19th birthday. I feel so much shame because I tried to be there for her. She had schizophrenia and have been fighting it for years. The day prior what is my gender reveal for my son. It also was the first day I couldn’t pick her up to take her to Sunday service. I feel so much guilt and having such a good time at my gender reveal and she was suffering so much on top of me not seeing her that day like we normally had planned. After she passed and I helped my dad go through her belongings we found that she had photos of me and my daughter underneath her pillow and all around her room and she has been journaling in the Bible that I had given her two Christmases prior. It still hits me like a brick even though this was last October and and I’m finding it hard to find a support group in my area that’s not 20 or so miles away. I keep replaying our memories and I keep replaying me having to pick out her final outfit because neither of my parents could do it and I’m here in a Walmart parking lot bawling my eyes out because now is when it decided to hit me like a ton of bricks. I understand logically that it’s not my fault that she had this disease in her brain and that she was battling depression on top of it but I still feel like it is my fault in some way.

Joe, my brother, you have taken my heart with you.

Hey guys – my name is Anna, I’m 21 years old. My younger brother Joe and I were very close in age at almost exactly a year and a half apart. Pretty much my mom was still nursing me when she became pregnant with him and I still remember him coming home from the hospital the day he was born. His birthday was June 12, 1999. He was a newly turned 20 year old when he killed himself on July 6th, 2019. My heart is finally letting some tears out while writing this after a recent numbing period I’ve been dealing with. He had a beautiful girlfriend of three years he was planning on marrying in the future and had recently bought her a very sweet and beautiful promise ring and his promise to her was to never leave. He was a virgin and wanted to wait until they were married because she did. In this way, he died a virgin and part of me is sad he didn’t get to experience this life pleasure but the other part of me is happy because that’s who Joe was, pure. Joe was to so many people a quiet steady kind strong light they depended on in their lives without even realizing how much and to what extent until his light suddenly went out. He listened fully, offered his honest advice, graciously told you the truth you needed to hear, went out of his way to make you laugh within your unique humor style which he could individually pick up on with each person in his life, picked up on moods and feelings of the people he cared about and immediately adapted to what they needed in his most honest, caring, empathetic, Joe way. And he did this not because he wanted to be walked on and was insecure or was trying to people please but because he genuinely wanted to, that was his nature at heart. Empathy, kindness, compassion, comedy relief in the most connective way are all just some of the words that describe my handsome baby brother. Not to mention how smart, ingenious, and creative his mind was. Joe killed himself on July 6th Saturday night, around 10 pm, by hanging. He did it under our boathouse which has an upstairs and downstairs and a staircase connecting the two. He obviously was very smart and researched and knew very well how to execute his plan. The coroner said the knot Joe tied was the most professional knot he’d seen. A petty fight with my boyfriend had me up at 7:30am on Sunday morn (which never happens) and had him driving me back to my home at my request around 8:30am. Not kidding you, the second I rolled up onto the driveway of my house, I see my mom walk to back of house area towards boathouse casually looking for Joe. (I guess they hadn’t seen him this morning and also wondered where he’d been last night bc he left his door open – he never does that. This was the first I even knew of him being gone in any sense of the word since I was at bfs house) my dad and little sister were also outside but out front and doing stuff with/around a vehicle, I think they were planning to leave for some appointment. Anyways back to mom walking to the back of the house riight after I pull up in car. Me and my boyfriend then hear my mom do a screaming wailing I’ve never heard in my life before from her and then we visually see her run up from the back continuing to wail and yell for my dad. Skip forward like a scene of my parents going together first to see their son and lil sis staying in car w me and bf updating me on joe being gone night before. Parents come back up front. Mom says “we have to tell them” to my dad and I get out of car w lil sis who had been on my lap and mom says to us “he’s gone” “joe’s gone” My mom told me not to look but I said I had to. My little sister stayed w my boyfriend and I went w my dad and my mom to see my baby brother. And what he had done. Oh my brother, that scene is etched in my mind. The bottom half of your face was contorted. But your eyes and your nose and your beautiful hair looked exactly the same. Your brown dead eyes so beautiful but so vacant. I touched your skin and you were still and cold. There was no life. For brother that was not you, but simply your vessel. It did not have to be like this. Never was I supposed to find you like that, my Joe, my blood brother. The pain is so unbearable and the images and the reality of it that as of late I’ve just been completely numb. Which I hate even more. Because all I want is to feel the pain of him gone. We had such a bond, such a love. He was my buddy. I would always ask his opinion on whether he thought my outfit was too slutty or if he thought it was cute, or his advice on literally anything, or vent about a bf, or we’d talk smack about all the family drama together, just so so much. we developed a weed scale together just us two to measure how high we were and how to communicate what level we were stoned wise.. but that was before he withdrew and stopped smoking w me as much. we shared so many fun memories together on/in that boathouse growing up but especially when we smoked together and his guard was down and he let me in more to his mind and thoughts. Which were so beautiful. And so unigue. Not your average Joe. it’s true. Joe was exceptional. Never was there a Joe like you. And never will there be again. And I miss you so much my brother, my twin, my heart, my Joe. Half of me is gone. I am so glad you are no longer in pain but in finding your comfort and peace you have destroyed any and all I ever had. I love you, Joseph. And I cannot wait until I see your beautiful brown eyes again, but this time full of life and love. Thank you all for reading.

My brother, the literal other half of me, took his life and I found him

My brother, 26, had everything going for him in life. He was extremely well loved and amazing at everything he attempted. He was living his dream sailing in the South Pacific with my father and had solid life plans going forward with a girlfriend he met there. I don’t know what to do. He was my idol, and my world. He came back to visit for 3 months and I found him and I feel like my life will never be the same. Before this incident I felt like I had it all, a great girlfriend, a family, we’re buying a house, and becoming totally independent, and I’m solid in a career I love. Now it feels like I just want to phase the days away. I see his body hanging there in my waking or sleeping mind and I can’t deal with it. Please, somebody help me with what I should do

My Soul Has Been Ripped From Me

My 15 year old brother took his own life on Monday.
The pain I’m experiencing is unbearable, I just wish
I went to sleep and woke up and everything was back to normal. I am so angry at people, I have so many unanswered questions, I wanna cry, yell , screem, hit, punch, I feel I’m going crazy and I dont know how to stop or deal with this pain, I can’t work without crying , I just wanna be home curled up in bed crying out loud, how do I deal with this pain? Can god answer me and give me my brother back, can he just walk back from heaven, I wasn’t ready for you to leave baby brother. I need you back chris..
I love you more than you would ever known ..