37 years
On this date 37 years ago my brother set himself on fire and lived for 43 days. Today they put you in a medically induced coma for such an event, but back then not so much.
It has gotten better for me across the years. It is still the worst thing that ever happened to me. But I do not have to will every breath I take. I don’t wake up crying from my nightmares.
I do know now my brother made a choice and it was not my fault. I know he did not wish us pain or harm. I believe he was exhausted from a life of too many secrets and maybe a bit too much alcohol. He shared himself for as long as he could.
Each of us here are on our own journey, but these pages keep us from being alone. Keep coming here. Seek help. Journal. Talk. Nurture yourself. Wrap up in a blanket on the couch. If that is all you can do, that is enough. You are more than enough.
We have each stood in the unfathomable moment of being told or finding the body. We have thought over and over, “I cannot survive this.”
I am here to say breathe. Keep breathing. Keep coming back here.
My brother is gone and I’m broken
I didn’t keep my brother
My brother hung himself in precinct after telling my younger sister he would try to end it every chance he got . I feel like I failed my big brother. I have seen him suffering his entire life especially as a teenager wanting something from our mother she refused to give . I became my brothers keeper and it feels like as soon as I reached to my other family for help cuz I was so drained . I didn’t fulfill my duty as a sister . I wanted to bail him out but part of me wanted my other brother to spend his money to humble and show him money isn’t everything – let’s do a good deed with it . I wish we never bailed him out the first time. He skipped bail eventually and got picked up on another charge and killed himself . I feel sick and I feel like it’s my fault somehow in some way.
Bye
I still need my big brother. I see Lillian running around and chasing Ash and screaming at each other and all I think about is that I miss my bubba.
I’m done typing now.
From Womb to 39
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We shared the same classes, friends, cars, jobs…I am clueless how to do life without you. I’m now a twineless twin, after 39 years.9 months have passed, time is standing still and moving too fast. Half of my DNA, heart and soul were roughly ripped away from me on 3/17/23…The day both of us died. Physically, only you.
This pain is far too intense. The antidepressants take the edge off a little.
I’m so sorry we had such a tough upbringing and depression ended up taking your life. I could never ever be mad at you for leaving me. I was there first hand to witness everything in your life that brought you to that moment in the woods.
We had such big plans. I’ll try to keep them going alone.
Sis, I love and miss you more than I could have never imagined. I will find you one day, wherever you are. You will always be my #1!
Interesting
This life will go on. Hopeful of years to come with ultimate passing. Some point the memories will disappear how sad for you me and all we hold dear.
Interesting this fleeting life.
So much adventure, love and fight.
So I lie here one year waiting.
Waiting for an answer that will be ongoing… fading.
The anger it comes. The sadness it goes.
Frustrated at others frivolous woes.
Angry at me who struggles to see
There is so much more right in front of me
I’m sorry one year later for not going over
I knew better but struggled to find the courage to bolster. My dearest little brother there will never be another.
Forever 30
My birthday
2 brothers who left
Your choices nearly killed me. Your children have suffered. I continue to explain your decisions. People are shocked that Mom and Dad raised two men-talented, established, wealthy, fathers, who left a legacy of suicide to our family. I am fighting the shame and embarrassment of what you did every day. I have my daily suicide tears. My life is forever changed. I am not you, I am a lonely sister who now has to grow old without you. The grief goes on and on. I go back to our happy times together never imagining that you both would — yourselves. I am a compassionate, kind, beautiful, and creative mother; that is how I am determined to define myself. Your mental illness was not treated. I did my best to help you but you didn’t listen to anyone. You left a mess for me to clean up, just like my entire life in our family. Mom and Dad did everything for you to be successful. I can’t imagine how they feel knowing that their sons — themselves. I hope you have found peace. I have not and never will. Your children’s lives are really messed up too. Your loving sister, D