Forgetting about Luisa

My only sister took her own life 4 months ago. Contrary to many, I do not like thinking about her, and regurgitate in all the pain. We did not live together in the last 10 years of her life, although we were very close. Nobody in our family speaks about it, and I feel her face, voice and memories fading in my head. It’s so sad how everyone is at the funeral, and 3 months down the line nobody even thinks about it. Long and forgotten, that hurts! At only 26 years of age, what a waste of all the wonderful things she still had to do and experience. I don’t remember her tenderly, I don’t forgive her for leaving me with all the mess, my parents, all the pain. I wouldn’t have done that to her. She wrote a letter saying goodbye and I’m sorry, but that will never be enough. If anybody has ever found a non religious way to forgive a sibling who has committed suicide, please be a friend and tell me how. It’s such a weight, such anger, such dissapointment. Why were we not enough for her to fight through her bipolar disorder, why couldn’t she call and ask for help. Now she has left an infinite void in my heart and it’s there and scary at the end of every single day.

I helped raise him.

I’m a big sister to 2 brothers. 7 and 9 years younger than me. Our dad died when they were in kindergarten and 2nd grade. I was at the end of my freshman year when daddy died. I stepped up and really took an active role in my baby brother’s lives. They were always with me. I took care of them both. I always shared a closer bond with my oldest baby brother, Gary. We were so close for so long. We drifted apart some in the last few years. But I still couldn’t ever tell him no. And tried even if I was mad at him to take care of him no matter what. And he made that hard. Where as he would never take from his friends or strangers. I was fair game and he kept taking advantage of me. I hate myself for staying so mad at him throughout the last two years of his life. No matter how legitimate of a reason he would give me. On Dec 5 2019. I’ll never forget mom calling me screaming. She found him. He had hung himself in our shop in front of our house. My world shattered. I didn’t plan on arranging the funeral. But I had to bc mom was too distraught. It hurts everyday. I miss him so bad. I feel like such a failure. If only I could of been a better big sister. I knew he needed me. My heart is shattered. A go fund me page I set up paid for his funeral. Now we have to figure out how to get him a headstone. No clue how I’m gonna swing that. If only I could have one more chance to be the sister he needed me to be. He left behind a 4 year old princess of a daughter. She looks just like him. Seeing her breaks my heart. She won’t remember him. She told me a couple weeks ago she was starting to forget him. I cried all night. I cry in secret everyday still. It is such a nightmare.

Adam

A few weeks ago my 17 year old brother Adam killed himself. I was off at my first year of college, and during the week my parents called me and told me he hung himself. I always knew he battled with depression and anxiety, but within the last few months he really seemed to be improving. New meds, new girlfriend, lost a ton of weight, and he seemed to be genuinely doing well. A week prior to his death I was talking to him and he told me that he was happy and he fixed everything he wanted to. But then he killed himself. He never really opened up fully to me or it seems anyone about his struggles, but he genuinely sounded happy when he told me he was happy. After a lot of thinking I’ve come to the conclusion that although he was truly happy, he still could not outrun his biological problems. But now it’s been a few weeks that he’s been gone and it just hurts. I feel like I was numb before, but now it’s just hard to accept. We were the only two in our family, and my parents are a mess, and it’s been really hard to take care of my own well being while also helping with theirs. I feel this gaping hole in me is just growing every day now and I don’t feel like it’s going to end anytime soon.

Unanswered Questions

It was a momentary lapse of judgment,
It happened in the blink of an eye,
So many questions left unanswered,
So many loved ones asking why?

A husband, a son and a mother,
A sister, brothers, in laws, family, friends and more,
How did we not see it coming?
She was not someone we ignored!

But, in a momentary loss of judgment,
All of our lives have been changed,
And no mater what we do or feel now,
It will never be the same.
So I honor her memory daily,
By doing what I need to do,
And when things get rough & I’ve had enough,
I let her love carry me though.

For I know she loved us all greatly,
And is so sorry for our loss and pain,
She is waiting for us on the other side,
Until we meet again!
By Gary Nowak
Aka Jess Mei
© 10/30/2005

Lost

One year went by without seeing your face. One full year without hearing his laughter. I often wish you were a selfish and careless brother so I wouldn’t have to feel the pain to this magnitude. But you were an incredibly selfless, kind, loving soul not deserving of this world. Waking up every morning is heart shattering knowing I let you down when you needed me the most. I miss you so much it literally feels like my heart is bleeding. I wish it could have been me and not you. It doesn’t matter anymore and I’m stuck here alone without you. Lost.

To My Big Brother Dan

My brother was 15 years older than me, I was told that when I was born he was going through a rough patch in life with mental illness and addiction but as soon as he saw me his life changed. He instantly changed for the better and did what big brothers do; protect and love. I remember all the times he babysat me and we would laugh about stupid stuff and play video games like guitar hero and super mario bros. He was a movie lover and a hard worker and had the most caring brown eyes. All he ever wanted to do was protect me and teach me new things in life. He was the first person to teach me how to shoot a bb gun and how to make the perfect bonfire. I never never saw pain in his eyes, he just seemed tired and irritable which I thought was due to him working night shifts. When I was 13 though, he took his own life. He had called my step dad during the night and told him he was sorry. The next morning he was gone and it didnt feel real. I wish I would have spent more time with him but it wasn’t like a normal sibling bond. He lived on his own and had a job while I was attending middle school. I wish I could have shared more memories with him. I dont talk about it much as I try to be strong and 5 years have passed but it still breaks my heart. He always told me when I was older and more mature I could watch his favorite movies with him, but now that time will never come. Brother I wish you could see how much I have changed and all my recent accomplishments. I miss you so much.

My Brother

On Christmas Day I went to message family and friends wishing them best wishes. I was on holiday in Mexico so had limited access to my phone etc… this is when I found out that on the 23rd December 2019 my little brother (33yrs) had jumped off a bridge into tidal water . My world went from me in second. His body was finally found on the 15th January 2020. I’ve never felt pain like it I’m totally heartbroken. The days seem to be getting harder as the realisation grows more and more everyday. I have to be thankful that he was found to give me closure but things just seem so hard! He struggled with mental health but he didn’t show much emotion (like myself) he struggled to share his feelings. We worked together everyday and now I have this huge hole in my life. Thankfully before I went on holiday I had told him I loved him and I’m always here for him no matter what! I loved him so much and we had such good memories together all our life. My life will never be the same again , all I can do is believe that he is waiting for me and we will meet again , his mind is finally at rest and peace. It’s just so hard to carry on, people say it does get easier but I honestly will never get over this loss!

Remembering my brother

My brother committed suicide on 10th of January 2020th. He chose the least painful method – carbon monoxide poisoning. Our family is filled with grief, confusion and anger which seem to increase every single day. I miss him and I love him more than anything in the world, I wish I told him I loved him more and showed more emotion. I’ll always picture him with a beer in one hand and a joint in the other, smiling, from ear to ear.
Hold on people, rough times will pass. Remember how your passed brother or sister made you a better person and hold onto that. Remember them by the traits they gave you and live on.

TBS

I lost my brother to suicide 15 years ago when I was 8 years old. He was much older than I was and struggled with alcoholism and addiction. He was not around a lot and I struggle to remember much from that age. Sometimes I feel guilty because I know there are people who had much more time and a much stronger relationship with the sibling they lost, than I had with mine.
As I’ve entered adulthood, I’ve started to struggle more with his death than I did when it actually happened and have started to see the effects it’s had on my relationships as I’ve gotten older. I found this site and I think I needed to vent to an audience that could understand and maybe help me feel a little less crazy that even with limited memories and a lot of time, I still can’t seem to shake the feeling of abandonment. I know there was little I could do to help at such a young age, but all I can think is “I wish I had been enough”.
I really wish I had had more time with him. I still think about him everyday and what it would be like to really know him.

So much left to do

Bro. Mom just got real hurt. I wish you were here to help. She misses you so much. We haven’t been allowed to see your daughter. We don’t want to sue and rock the boat too much. My kids are getting big. Harold asked about you today. He doesn’t remember you. He is about to turn 4. It made Eleanor cry. She is 7 now. She doesn’t remember what you look like and that makes her feel bad. She adored you. Mom will is trying to say sober through her physical therapy. God I need my brother. I love you Rob.