Oh Brother – How I miss you

Damn it Spence..I don’t even know where to begin.

The one year mark is getting closer and part of me is still in denial. It’s easy to pretend you’re off stationed somewhere with the Army, deployed to Afghanistan, even though I know it’s not true.

Words cannot express how much I miss you, how often you’re on my mind. You spent the day before at my house with your nephew, brother-in-law, and I. You left before I got to give you a hug and say goodbye, which I now believe was intentional. I’ve come to realize you were saying your goodbyes to us, which is even more devastating.

I should have paid better attention, I should have recognized the signs. I shouldn’t have believe your tough guy attitude. I have so many What If’s and Should Of’s that run through my mind.

I was the first person contacted once you were found and after hanging up the phone I completely lost it. Hyperventilating, screaming, and sobbing.

I have cried so many tears for you little brother! You had become such a constant part of my life after you got out of the Army. I loved spending time with you because we knew and understood each other so well.

I straight up told your dad I wanted to speak at your funeral, because out of the entire family, I was the only one who knew you, who actually had a relationship with you!

And it was rough for multiple reasons. But I closed with a goodbye and thank you to you–Thank you for letting me be a part of your life, for being a great brother and friend. Thank you for being such an amazing uncle to my son!

It’s hard explaining to him that he’ll never get to see you again.

But most of all, You have NO IDEA how much your death has affected so many. My mom & your dad, after 15 years, are finalizing their divorce. Our family literally fell apart.

You also missed the gift of fatherhood, the birth of your son, who is so adorable and looks like you!

It’s a hard pill to swallow knowing that you won’t be around, that there will not be any future memories with you.

Your death has forever changed me, I will never be the same. All I know is I’m accepting you found peace your way. I miss you. I love you.

Spencer L. Hiatt

08.02.1989 – 01.26.2015

 

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