Next Month will be 3 Years

When I was 14 I lost my big brother. That same year my mom had Breast Cancer. My mother and my younger sister/ Best friend, Emily found my brother hanging in a lot behind my neighbors house. I was at a church camp when I found out and I decided to stay at the camp, for god knows why. It was the hardest time of my life, and it continues to be. I constantly feel like I let my younger sister down by living her by herself. After that day my older sister, Olivia let Emily come spend the night at her house. I just feel like I let her down and it kills me to think about it. Before David died I really didn’t like him, he was 13 years older than me if you can imagine we didn’t have much in common. He had a personality disorder and he was Bipolar, and he fell into drug use but then got off of the drugs. He moved in with us to be close to my Mother because she had cancer. We like to call her cancer a blessing because he got to spend his last 6 months with us. Some days are so hard because I feel like no one understands what I have gone through. My pain will never go away. I’m graduating from high school this next school year and i’m absolutely terrified. I can’t imagine me walking across the stage and not having my brother shouting for me. The last couple months of his life, I finally started seeing him as my big brother that loved me. I remember I was crying and so frustrated cleaning my room, he came in to help me and it was the nicest thing he had ever done to me. I still sit in the same spot on my floor that he sat to help me. I still remember laughing with him. It’s haunting. I feel bad that I haven’t been to his grave but I haven’t been ready. I don’t want to see him in the ground with just a stone saying who he was. That stone was not who he was. He was the most loving and caring man I had ever met. Does anyone else relate to that? Well, I think that is enough for one night. I will probably add more of these posts later on. I feel like a weight is off of me. Thanks for listening.
– Ashley

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2 Responses to Next Month will be 3 Years

  1. ellie says:

    I started crying while reading your posts because I can relate on so many levels. I lost my older brother 4 years ago and i’m 16 now. Its hard I know and I never admitted to my grief and pain until last year because it was too hard. I’m so sorry for your loss because I know the pain and I would never wish that upon anyone. But please never blame yourself for anything because no one blames you and I’m sure that Emily does not feel as if you let her down. She loves you like you loved David and how he loved both of you and you always need to remeber that.

  2. Paula Krause says:

    Last Wednesday, 6/14/17 I lost my younger brother. He hung himself in the woods and his wife found him. Wednesday I received the horrible news and cried like a baby. Disbelief! He had made 4 other attempts just not successful. He was hurting inside, mostly showed a lot of sadness when he drank. Yes, he was an alcoholic. I tried to help him along with his wife for years. AA, rehabilitation, family, friends and counseling did not work for him. His wife married 30 years loved him so much and really went through a lot with my brother. His funeral this past Saturday had over 50 there showing so much love, why couldn’t my brother feel the love.
    The morning of his his death my brother said “I love you Sis” he always says luv ya sis. To me I feel like he was saying it for the last time.
    I am really struggling with all of this, but want to be with his wife and support her. They live only 2 hours away.
    I do no my brother is no longer in pain. God give me strength.
    Paula

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