My rock has crumbled

My brother robbie and i had a hard time growing up. we were poor and our parents were separated. we were moved to florida from new hampshire when we were very small so my mother could start a new life. all though my mom tried her best rob and i always had very bad things happening to us. but no matter how bad it seemed we always had each other. we did everything together . my big brother was the world to me . we have older siblings and a younger brother from my moms 2nd husband but no one else had the same mom and dad so we were especially close.August 14 2016 i found my brother dead in his bathtub. he shot himself in the head with a cross bow. it was the worst day of my life so far. i miss him. everyone else is mad at him but i am not i am just void of happiness now. i have no one who will be my robbie now. we both have mental issues and take medicine and we are both under a lot of stress. four days before i found him i googled how to kill myself without hurting my kids and family. it should have been me not him. however i have 3 kids and i couldn’t do it. robbie has a son named joseph. he is only 1 1/2 years old and lives in a hospital for a rare disease called crouzons. my nephew is a wonderful baby but my brother had a lot on his plate. he has paranoid delusional schizophrenia and he heard voices and saw things. he always thought the government was after him and other people too. also he had a terrible accident about 10 years ago the left him in a lot of pain everyday. the day before he did it he took me to the movies and to the mall . we saw the new suicide squad movie it was great. we had fun we even sat in a chair for a mall massage . the massage hurt his legs really bad though. then i got my toes done and he was so happy . we were together and had fun. that was my last day with him. the next day i was going thru some issues myself and was going to his house because i needed him to talk to. he always had good advice for me and he is the one person in the world i am safe around. robbie would never hurt my feelings or put me down he was the best brother on the earth. he always helped me with my babies and they all were so close to him. now my 13 year old daughter is a total wreck.my 12 year old son is very protective of me like he wants to take robbies place and my 7 year old girl didn’t talk for a while. now they are trying to get back to normal but i can see the difference in they’re faces. i cry about every 10 minutes and i keep seeing him like that. we had an open casket at my request so that i could try to remember him sleeping instead of the horrible way i found him but it isn’t working. i keep having nightmares. robbie was my rock.i am currently off of my medicine and i think i need therapy but i don’t think that therapy will work like maybe it will or it may make things worse. there are so many thoughts i have but that is just the jist of what’s going on in my head right this moment. i need someone to be my adult right now i am not capable of doing this alone.

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2 Responses to My rock has crumbled

  1. June Lee says:

    My deepest sympathy is with you and I pray God will bless and comfort you. I am old enough to be your mom and I lost my only sister Aug 3rd for the same reason. Its been difficult but we’ll get through it. I am seeing a psychologist to help me this week. Please take care of yourself and find someone to talk to.

    • Amanda Clark says:

      Thank you talking or typing is helping alot. So are the meds . I miss him I wish I wasn’t the one who found him. But also I am glad it was me. I wouldn’t have wanted it to be my mother or little brother. God is in my life and all kind words help . Thank you and I am sorry for your loss as well

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