My Older Brother’s Decision

Last friday, I woke up and checked my phone as usual. I had messages and missed calls of one my brothers that live in Guanajuato, Mexico. They texted to call them urgently and I did. My oldest brother told me with his voice breaking that my older brother had died. In shock I asked him what happened and he said that he hung himself. I didn’t cry at that moment and he had asked me if I was alone before telling me. My mother arrived just as I was speaking to him and I didn’t say anything. When Dad arrived, he already knew and I had to tell mom. It was as traumatic as it gets. I reserved my comments on what happened and pretended to not know any details of his passing. She immediately left to Mexico and I had to stay due to work. I own a Band and I did not cancel the performances this weekend because 5 more people would have no food on their tables if I missed. There is a saying among musicians that says “the show has to continue” and it sure did. I had never really lost someone that hurt so much as my brother. I am in Laredo, TX right now where nobody from my family is. I’m in a hotel and I’m heartbroken, sleepless and guilty. I don’t understand why my brother had to go like that. I feel like I left him down. I feel a hole in my chest. After tonight’s show, I felt reality punching my heart. It hit me harder than my brother’s call. I started recalling our last conversations and I feel like he was probably asking for help and I did not understood what he was trying to say. I just hate myself right now. I loved him. I still love him. And memories are just there haunting me. I wonder if this is normal, because I feel like it’s just getting worse. I hope he forgives me. His decision has left so many questions and pain. I’m sad as never before.

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