My loving brother

My loving brother took his own life on Nov. 2nd 2014. He was 31 years old. I wish I could say I know why he did it but, I DON’T KNOW. I was the last person to talk to him, he expressed his deep love and respect for me. He said I was a great sister. All I know is, he was going through severe depression. My dad had recently been released from the hospital which is why I assumed he was sad.

 

My brother was married and had a daughter who turned 3 years old the following week after his death. He took his own life the day after his wife’s birthday, also in November. I have yet to make sense of this. He never did drugs and was committed to his family and parents, living in Mexico. They all lived in the same house. I was unable to travel for his funeral due to financial reasons and I hadn’t seen any of them including him in 7 years. But I constantly talked on the phone with him. I talked more with him than with my own Dad. All I know is, he was having marital problems, which he kept from his parents (Dad and Stepmom) but shared with my other brother.

 

His wife showed no emotion during his funeral and left the house with the baby the following day after the services according to my other brother.

 

In trying to make sense of this, I’m also trying to forgive myself for not being the big sister I should’ve been. Could I have said anything to him to prevent him from doing this? Should I have made more time to listen? I was at work when he called. I work for a Middle School and didn’t want to loose my composure. I said I’d call back and I didn’t. I love my brother, he was a kind, loving and generous soul. He stayed behind while we all left, to take care of his parents. Why?! Why him?!

Claudia

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3 Responses to My loving brother

  1. Magdaline says:

    Claudia, I am so sorry for your loss. I too lost my brother on November 2nd, but in 2001. He was a kind, generous, sensitive, giving soul. He was only 18 with his whole life ahead of him – sadly, he never did get the chance to marry or have children. I will never be able to understand why he took his life and I spent many years trying to figure it out. Eventually, I realized that he took that answer with him and all I can do is find comfort in the fact that he is no longer in pain. He was my best friend (and I his) and was loved by so many. I can only imagine the pain he was in that he lost sight of all those who love him and wanted him to stay here, a part of their lives. If you have not already, you may want to look for local Survivors of Suicide groups near you – they were a tremendous help to me in the first few years after his death. Today, I live my life for him, for both of us, and try to make him proud (since I know he is watching over me). One day, we will see each other again soon and I don’t want him to be upset with me because I threw my life away! He wouldn’t want that. Anyway, I hope this helps – stay strong and continue to reach out. You will be in my thoughts…

    • Claudia says:

      Thank you so much for your comforting words. I am much more spiritual now. I need God more than ever as it is hard for many to understand the pain and sorrow one goes through. I am also trying to focus on staying positive and turning my pain into something for the greater good. In my healing process I have “weirdly” found comfort in viewing pictures of friends and families that I know. I like to capture that moment, create a momentum through a collage and handing it to them as a reminder for them to embrace those moments. Many don’t know my true feelings but it makes me feel that my brother somewhere is saying “Bien hecho Guera.” I love my brother so much! I know you understand. He was so wonderful and I will carry his memories with me always.

      I will definitely look for a support group in my area to cope with my tremendous and painful loss. God bless.

  2. Sheryl says:

    Very sorry for your loss. My 43 year old brother hung himself on Oct 15, 2014. His wife and 15 year old daughter found him. He also has 19 and 25 year old sons. We lost our dad on Sept 1st and we were still in deep grief. I last saw him 2 days before he did this. I am struggling with guilt that I did not see his deep emotional pain.

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