I miss you Eric. Not a day goes by without me thinking about you, hardly even an hour. It’s been 10 months now, it’s almost Christmas. I can’t believe you’re not going to be here for Christmas. I miss your laugh, I miss your smile, your teeth, your smell, your hugs, your presence. People say it gets easier but I don’t agree, the first six months were an uncomfortable numbness, I really just didn’t believe it. I kept waking up thinking it was all a bad dream, then something would remind me that you’re really gone. I kept thinking it was a cruel prank you were playing on us, all your younger brothers and sisters – you’re particular sense of humour.
But then after those six months it really started to set in. It felt like I woke up one day and just understood the void that you leaving will have on the rest of my life. I won’t ever be able to introduce you to my future partners to see what you think of them, you won’t be at my birthdays, you won’t be at my wedding, you won’t be at the birth of my children, we won’t be able to grow old together or even have another night of getting drunk and talking shit until the early hours, introducing each other to a band we’re into lately or a song that will make us feel better on the harder days.
I didn’t even understand what it truly felt like to miss a person untill you went.
I was the last person in the family to talk to you. We spent the whole night eating chocolate covered nuts leftover from Christmas, drinking red wine, laughing and talking about the future. We spoke about our plans for 2016 and the amazing times we were going to have together. You left and we shared our last goodbye. Did you know that it was the last time we would see each other? I had no clue. I wish you would have told me something was up, at least a hint. Maybe even just hugging me for that moment longer so I knew to really appreciate it. I replay that hug and kiss, shouting ‘love you ez’ and you shouting it back as you hopped into a taxi. Why didn’t you say something was up? I have so much guilt that I didn’t stop talking about myself and I didn’t ask how you really were. I had no clue you felt that sad, that desperate for an escape. 2 days later you took your own life. Surely I should have sensed it, I should have felt your sadness when we last saw each other, or I should have felt an intuition that you left the earth, but I didn’t expect it in the slightest. Being told was like someone ripping out a part of my soul out, indescribable. I heard grief is the price we pay for the love we were able to have in this life. I miss you ez, I will love you eternally.
This is not a suicide or crisis resource. Please contact a counselor, family member, friend, or emergency services if you are having suicidal thoughts.
In the USA, call:
For Deaf, Hard of Hearing, and People with Speech Disabilities who use a TTY, call 1-800-799-4TTY (4889)