Missing you my happy go lucky brother

My brother took his own life by hanging on January 23rd 2017. I remember that night more than any other night, the weather was absolutely aweful. He had recently split from his fiancé and she had not let him see his two young daughters in almost a week. We never knew that he had been suffering from depression and anxiety. He left us a video explaining this and how he couldn’t live without his fiancé. He felt that Suicide was the only option he had. He left behind 3 young children, as well as his two daughters he also has a son from a previous relationship. There’s just myself and my sister now trying to be strong for our mum. We all struggle everyday, some days I don’t even want to go outside the house. I cry a lot, mainly when I am on my own. I sit at my dinner table looking at the door, praying for him to walk in. I miss him so much, we were close growing up. I wish I had known how broken he was and been able to help him. It’s almost a year now since he’s been gone, it’s passed is by in a blur tbh. I feel that it’s not getting any better though, I feel it’s getting worse. I sometimes just lie in bed looking at the ceiling, overthinking it all. Punishing myself of things I could have done. He’s all I think of from the moment I wake until the moment I go to sleep. I dream of him most nights. I just can’t imagine spending the rest of my life living in this way. It breaks my heart to look in my mums eyes and see how broken she is. My brother was the oldest just 30 years old when he took his own life. I’m 30 now just recently turned and our sister is 19. I really need someone to talk to who has lost a brother/sister to Suicide. I’m in a six year relationship but my partner doesn’t really understand how I feel inside.

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5 Responses to Missing you my happy go lucky brother

  1. Cynthia says:

    My brother took his life on November 28th 2017 (2 1/2 months) Oh how I miss him, not a day has gone by that I do not think of him. I beg God to let me see him again, even if it’s just in my dreams. My mom is crying day and night; she is devastated and nothing or no one can console her.. My Dad is trying to move on but he needs help getting past the vision of seeing him laying on his bed after he did that horrible thing! My brother left our hearts completely destroyed. We helped him every way possible but it wasn’t enough! We were such a close and loving family. I keep asking myself WHY WHY WHY, I guess we will never know. He left 2 twin boys 18 years old..They need lots of love because they are suffering so much without him around, I promised to watch over them… The best advice I can give is stay close to God.. I find comfort in praying and also talking to my brother even if its not in person. This feeling that we go through is unexplainable and only the people that actually lose a loved one like this can understand that helpless feeling, like your heart had been ripped out, that anxiety attack that you get when you realize you will not hug, kiss, talk to your brother or sister anymore is horrible, so you see you are not alone. I visit this site at least 3 times a week because I get to express my feelings to people that are going through the same as I and understand my pain.. Please know we are all here to listen even if we are strangers we are all connected in some way. God bless you & hope I have helped you some.

  2. Sister says:

    I lost my brother the same way in April of 2017. I have been on this site so many times and thought about posting, but I just haven’t been able to share my story. Something about your post really spoke to me. You said you need someone to talk to, and I could really use that too. I am wondering if you would want to send me your email and we could maybe have a conversation? Or maybe the site could send you mine somehow? I am not sure how it all works.

  3. Sherry Elbs says:

    My only brother shot himself Jan 22 2017. He was my everything my entire life. My year has been a blur as well. I feel the pain worse now even. What you wrote I could’ve said as well. Feel free to message me
    Sherry Elbs

  4. Hazel says:

    I’m so very sorry for your loss and your pain. Please be kind to yourself. I lost my brother 4 years ago. I’ve only resumed my life in the past year. The first year was confusing and very painful dealing with the guilt and regret. I hope you’re able to be more kind to yourself than I was to myself.
    Time makes us stronger to bear the pain but it doesn’t take away the sting of our loss. Continue to love your brother and be grateful for the time you had. Life is short. Hugs and care from someone that understands your pain ❤️

  5. Sara says:

    I lost my only sister to suicide last year – July 17th 2017.. she hung herself around the corner from my Mom’s place in a forest she liked to hang out in. Mutual friends of ours actually had called in a missing persons report 4 days before they found her because she had left my Mom’s and didn’t tell anyone. That was the most horrible and messed up week of my life. Having her missing for 4 days with her report all over Southern Ontario and then to end with a grim, horrible truth. I haven’t gotten any help myself and I’m actually a social worker so you think I would know better 🙁 I have a lot of issues sleeping.. maybe 4 hours if I’m lucky and I’m so much more anxious than I ever have been before. I used to be an optimistic woman, always seeing the bright side in every negative situation but her suicide has me left in absolute sadness and pain.. she was 23 and I’m 28 now.. almost 28. She would be 24 this March.. the holidays were horrible for me. I had an emotional breakdown in front of my poor, loving boyfriend. God love him.. he stands by me as so fall apart every week. I know I will be beside myself on her birthday.. we were so close. I’m angry now but also sad, anxious, lonely and in pain. I happened upon this site today and all your stories made me cry & hurt so much for you all. It is one of the most hurtful and trying thing I’ve ever endured in my life and my life hasn’t always been easy by any means.. I’m so sorry for your loss.. all your losses.. I want to turn back time so badly!! ?

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