I’m Sorry Tonio

Dear Antoni,
I miss you so much, you don’t even know. It’s almost been a month dude, I still can’t believe you’re actually gone. I wish I never left for college, I was gone for not even a month, if I knew one month would mean you gave up, I would have stayed home and take care of you like I always had. You are the oldest, you told me you were never going to leave me. What happened to all your promises? You said you’d visit me in New York. You said you’d take me on an adventure. You promised me you would never leave the way Sarah did, that you would never put us through the same pain that Sarah put through you. You took on everyone’s demons yet that just gave yours an army that you could not fight.
For ten years I was taking care of you, helping you, I stayed up all night taking care of you trying to help you through those thoughts, even when I was dealing with my own. I was only eight years old when I started trying to save you. I made sure mom and dad couldn’t tell you were high, I helped you seem semi-functional. I guess that was my fault. Maybe if they knew when things were just starting out maybe then you would still be here, but how was I supposed to know what is helpful, I was so little and you were my everything, besides mom and dad were never around, so I had to become the mom. I thought I was doing what was best for you. It worked for awhile, ten years I spent with you, I rolled you over when you drank too much, I made sure you didn’t do anything stupid when you were high, once I got my license I drove you to work so you wouldn’t lose your job, I made you seem sober when mom got home so she wouldn’t scream at you.
The day I left for college you were high and trying to start fights with my mom. I was so angry with you. The drive across the country I kept thinking about how when I come home you better be sober. I was so pissed at you and I am so sorry. That was the last time I saw you, and as I hugged you goodbye, it was a reluctant hugged, I should have given you an actual hug. I should have told you I love you more than the world and how 2,000 miles isn’t really that far with all the technology we have. I wish I never left. I wish I stayed to care for you. I’m sorry I was so selfish to leave. Didn’t you know how much I love and need you?
The family back home is falling apart, we all need you to wake up. The person I saw at the viewing is not you, I don’t know who he is, but he isn’t you. I need you. I’m your baby sister, you were supposed to keep hurt and pain away from me, you said so. Now, what do I say when people ask about my siblings. It has always been two older two younger and I’m the only girl. Do I still include you like you never left us or do I just say it’s the four of us? Baby Alan had his 14th birthday the day after your viewing and service. You should have been there for him, he needed you. You were two weeks away from your 25th birthday, you had the whole world ahead of you. Your friends had to give us the presents they got you. I got your Dragonball z necklace. I should not have it, Niki got it for you, not me.
I hope you don’t hurt anymore. I hope you find peace. I don’t believe in heaven or anything and I know you didn’t either, but I sure hope you’re not suffering anymore, you went through too much while living here. Antoni, I just want you to know how much I love you, and I’m sorry I couldn’t save you. I thought you were strong enough to last a semester at a time. I guess let you down. I miss you Tonio so much, more than you would ever know. I love you, you were and are my world and inspiration I just wish you didn’t end your story this way.
Love your little baby sister…

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