“I move the stars for no one…”

You left approximately May 25-26th 2015…After the worst fight we have ever had. Going a few days with out speaking with you wasn’t anything new after a fight, but this time it was physical, you said “say one more thing” and I did because I was so tired of you not living life, not being who you should be. You stormed and the rest is history. I know you missed mom, but 7 months isn’t long enough to get through things. 2 weeks isn’t enough to get through anything. My heart is so empty, a great big empty. Yes, your squishy is doing her thing, but she has terrible night terrors and I am not sure if it’s because you were so angry and methodical when you decided to exit or because she genuinely knows that you aren’t alive. Babies do have that uncanny knack for seeing things…You could have just given things more time, moved, changed zipcodes…You were NEVER alone!!! The pit in my stomach feels like it will forever be on a spinning ride and there is only momentary relief. 7 months since mommy died and now you are gone…Damn all the Drs that perpetually kept you in the system, damn me for fighting with you, but damn you for thinking this was the end. Maybe for you, but for us- its only the dreadful beginning…Day by day, minute by minute, I am having a thousand emotions. I will never leave because I do love my life. I just wish/ed that you found that same love. Whatever it was. Maybe I am to blame, maybe you are. I am not sure and does it matter now? You are gone, girl. And your niece doesn’t have you, your family, friends and Daddy don’t have you and I certainly don’t, either. But I miss you like crazy, you stupid girl. Maybe in time I can forgive you for dipping out this way, but for right now…I am so miserable that I just can’t find solace. Even in my own child.

Erica

 

Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

You are allowed to enter 2 URL(s) in the comment area.