i miss you big brother

I dont even know where to begin…its been 4 weeks to the day since i got that call. Thats not you….i dont understand…u were the smart responsible one of the 3 of us…this was not you…but again i was so focused on keeping my family afloat i had not been in contact w u enough…for that im so sorry…if i could have prevented it im sorry…if i missed something im sorry…for assuming u were so strong im so sorry….i dont know how to deal w this…i dont believe u are gone…i look for u on my way to work…i think its a dream i just some how managed to believe….but i dont know….im so angry..at who i dont know…..i snap at work all day long….that is not me….how do i cope? How do we survive without u….please give me a sign u are really gone and i didnt imagine that terrrible news and the funeral…and that u r ok…i really need peace….

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3 Responses to i miss you big brother

  1. Tammy says:

    Hello Jessamym, I’m so sorry for your loss!! My younger brother hanged himself on
    5-3-14. I knew that this was probably going to be his manner of death. He was so abused when he was little. I couldn’t save him then, or in the end! I’m 47 and am better than I was after his funeral. I don’t allow myself to think about the actual “act”, because it hurts way too much!! All I know is that he’s
    free now, he spent several years in prison, was re-arrested & couldn’t take living there anymore. I loved him almost too much! There wasn’t anything I wouldn’t do for him. Thankfully, he left a 5page letter for me, which I cherish!! I see signs that he’s around! I will be at a store & a really nice worker will have his name, Shawn. What helps me is visiting him frequently. I talk to him & “Jazz up”his grave. I decorate it depending on the holidays. Butterflies are a sign as well. Think of things that meant a lot to your brother and start collecting similar things. I pray, a lot. I will for u a lot!!
    Take care, Tammy

  2. Katrina says:

    Are you able to take some time off work? A stress leave? It’s really hard to function at work (or anywhere) after the loss of someone to suicide. Suicide is a complicated grief. I lost my brother to suicide 3 years ago.
    Also, what about a suicide survivor group in your area.
    I know it’s hard to think for you right now.

  3. A says:

    It’s still so hard to belive it’s been almost 2 years. It feels like yesterday. Life has not been the same since. It just seems so hard. But I continue to fight every day and encourageme others to fight and never give up. I know it is what you would want. I just hard that bit is too late to encourage you. I love you to the moon and back and not a day goes by that you aren’t on my mind or in my heart. I love you big brother…….

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