I miss my brother!

I just came across this site and am hoping to find some kind of comfort and understanding as to why my younger brother took his own life.
He was having marital problems and uncovered significant betrayal by his wife. He has two beautiful boys that are like my own. My brother and I are very close. My husband and I found him and I started to perform CPR/mouth to mouth resuscitation before the paramedics got there. He had taken his own life by carbon monoxide poisoning. If I had just got there 30 minutes sooner I might have saved him. This just happened 7 weeks ago on June 4, 2017. I am seeing doctors and counselors to help with the grief. I can’t seem to get his face out of my mind while I was performing CPR. I was staring right into his eyes begging Jesus to help me.

I never knew his depth of pain. I never thought it would come to this. I feel lost without him. I know that he is in a better place based on my blessed hope that we will be reunited with our Savior. I have always had what I thought was strong faith but I now realize that even that is given by God. I’m just trying to find my “new” normal that doesn’t include my little brother. He has left a huge whole in my heart and I know its not his fault.

I just keep cycling through denial, anger, depression and all of the could of, should of, would of’s. I have never experienced a pain like this before. It literally physically hurts. I am on several anti depressants prescribed by my physician so they have helped some BUT they don’t take away the pain and loss. I keep trying to make sense of it all??? How do you move forward and ever get over something like this? He was my ONLY sibling!

I also go through periods of guilt for not recognizing the signs. I knew he was having a tough time but we were there for him through it all!! I’m just trying to rely on my faith and hopefully someday find a place of peace that is not so painful. I don’t think the pain will ever completely go away! I’m asking God to help me learn to move forward but it has been baby steps! I wake up every morning thinking it was all a bad dream only to face another painful day! I LOVE YOU JUSTIN!! I BEG JESUS to please let JUSTIN know how much I love him and miss him!!

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2 Responses to I miss my brother!

  1. Erica says:

    I am so so sorry. My brother committed suicide almost a year ago and the pain is indescribable . He was my light, my strength, my everything. I too, feel like I missed the signs and hate myself every day for it. A life without him is so painful. I pray for you now and will continue to do so.

  2. B says:

    I lost my brother 9 months ago and all you describe I can totally relate to. I am very sorry for your loss and all I can say is that this greif is a rollercoaster ride or like waves of the ocean that you have no control over. I am still searching my new norm. It’s such a loss that you will always feel deep pain over. And ohhh had my faith been tested and shaken. I cried when I read you beg Jesus to let him know how you feel because I have ddone that exact same thing. I pray he tells my brother i am SORRY he felt lonely and desperate and I couldn’t help him. I pray he allows my brother to feel my love for him. God Bless! ❤

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