For peter

To Peter, on the 23rd of May 2014 my whole world was turned upside down, I had music practice in town and I was coming home at around 9pm to find my dad and a neighbour trying to get the ropes off of you. I didn’t fully understand as I was only 11 at the time and had never fully understood suicide. My dad has come home from work to find you had committed suicide I ran to get my blanket to put around you and a knife to cut the rope off. Soon the ambulance and all our neighbours were in our garden. I was so scared and upset. My Mam fainted so that gave me more things to worry about . Me my Mam, dad and older brother stood beside you while the ambulance men tried to bring you back to life. But it was too late, you had been taken from this life and I never got to say goodbye. It is now over two years later and it’s only properly sinking in that Your gone forever . I love you so much and miss you so much. But I forget little memories everyday and it’s killing me to say that I even forget how to say your name sometimes. Life hasn’t been the same since you left, I’m finding it difficult to cope with most things and I struggle alone as I don’t tell anyone about my problems. I have friends but there is no one who understands the pain I’m going through . I have no one to turn to. Two years ago you left with no explanation, no note or text to explain why you thought suicide was the only answer. I really want to know why because I keep thinking and rethinking about things you said and I can’t help feeling that I might’ve said something to upset you. Please Peter help me to start to cope properly and try and talk to me if you can or send me signs that your with me because I’m starting to loose hope. I love and miss you so much. Love from your little sister aveX

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One Response to For peter

  1. Wynde Stinson says:

    Dear Ave,

    I am a counselor in Colorado who works with kids who have lost loved ones , at times a brother or sister to suicide. For all of you, it will never truly make sense, but I do believe your brother just did not have the tools to make the pain he was in stop. That is not to say that you and other siblings cannot reach out to therapists, family and friends and learn ways to make your pain less intense. Do not give up hope! Do something to honor your brother that speaks to your heart and what he loved.
    One group of peers of a teen who died in a car crash in Texas- friends of mine, had a fishing tournament where they raised money for the teen’s favorite charity.

    Another group went around collecting teddy bears for the Children’s Hospital for seriously ill children to honor the memory of their friend who died.

    Whatever you do, you must share your sadness with people around you. Do not try to grieve alone. Let them hold you and be there for you. Know that you are not alone… Often 1-2 years after losing someone is the worst, because everyone else seems to have moved on, but your heart is broken and desperately misses Peter. Again, you know from losing your brother that life is oh so precious! I hope you are in therapy and/or will go back to deal with another layer of grief, as grief does come in waves. Lastly, take breaks to laugh and enjoy any bright spots in your life. I can tell you have a loving, sweet heart. Please live a good, long life.

    Someone in Colorado who cares,

    Wynde Stinson, LCSW

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