Drowning in unanswered questions

It has now been 7 months since I lost first my sister-in-law to suicide and then my brother 5 days later the same way. 1 month later I lost our Mom to cancer. I am dealing with all of it pretty well on the outside but on the inside, I am a wreck. I can accept my Mother’s death, although broken-hearted, we were prepared. But my sister-in-law and MY BROTHER??? It was under horrible circumstances but it seems like now my thoughts are turning toward even worse thoughts/questions. Was there more to the story then what I was told? Was my brother feeling guilty for more than what he let on? I hate these thoughts, but I cannot fathom leaving your children and your sister to deal with the aftermath. I don’t know if this is the anger part of grieving or if I am seeing things through clearer eyes. I will NEVER have the answers but I want so badly to stop thinking about what happened, what caused it and WHYYYYYY? Just lost in my own thoughts lately.

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