The calendar has now rolled into February and we are fast approaching the second anniversary of my brother's suicide. It suddenly feels like a ten tonne truck barreling towards me.

I've been coping well lately. My happy days definitely outnumber the grief-tinged ones. But, this anniversary is throwing me for a loop....add in the fact that I am incredibly busy at work and my husband was just laid off from his job (after five years with no notice at all), and life feels very overwhelming. As I write this, I feel the tears starting to well up.

This sounds selfish, but I feel like the universe owes me some good news. We've been through enough. Tomorrow will be better.

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Hi Jessica and Clay,

Yes, I agree very much that the idea of volunteering and helping others is a fantastic way to heal ourselves. At the moment I am at a loss for an opportunity to do this - I am living in Vietnam and leaving soon, and it's difficult to find a temporary situation here without government permission to do something - and one of the things i look forward to most when I return to the States is to do more volunteer work.
Its been quite difficult lately, in the wintertime (it gets cold and gloomy even here in Hanoi) and being quite isolated at the moment, a lot of the memories and difficulties of losing my brother come back. I am so grateful to all of you on this site for being brave and sharing your experiences. It helps to keep me sane.

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My baby brother committed suicide 14 months ago. I have been on this sight many times since then. I really miss him and know you each miss your sibling as well. For those who have recently lost your brother/sister it will get a little easier each day but you will never forget them. My brother's picture sits on my desk at work and some times I look at it and smile when I remember what a great person he was. Always remember the good times they do make it easier.

It is one of those things that will always happen, unless you lock yourself in a bubble... having to tell someone that my brother is dead. I realize it is partially my fault, sometimes I speak of him and don't use the past tense. People can see how much I care for him and inevitably ask where is he, what he does and I have to say that he died. They always look so sad... And I do my best to let them know that it's ok. I'm ok. I hate doing it though, for me and for them.

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Clay~

I am so happy to see that you are devoting time to assisting someone else in a time of need voluntarily! I am sure this will be a very rewarding and healing experience for you. I can say from my experience that my volunteer work has helped me greatly in my own healing process with my brother's loss. I find that it is really helpful in helping someone else; it reminds us that we can help someone else, do something positive, and help ourselves in the process, and there is tremendous healing that happens in that process. You find that when you are a light for someone else, they are a light for you in return. I look forward to seeing your future posts!

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Tomorrow morning I will start assisting an elderly man who is dying of terminal cancer in my community. I responded to an e-mail from one of my professors asking for students who are willing and able to assist with some simple duties for this gentleman. I thought of my sister when I met the man this evening. It occurred to me that this will bring me close to the final year and a half with Mariah before she took her life. She was in the hospital and I was her non-medical attendant, helping her with most of her ADL's and basic needs/functions. I pray that this will be a good experience for me and this man, during his last days/months or whatever timne he may have left. It is different for someone who knows they are old and dying. My dad is still sifting painfully through Mariah's estate and belongings and sorting through it.... 2 years later. This guy has already donated EVERYTHING (including his home, etc.) He is so alert, communicative, and friendly. He will probably be a much easier patient than my sister!! haha!!!


God I miss you, Mariah! One day we will be together again.

Two years isn't enough to heal the pain and stop rerunning things through my mind. I wonder if the questions and the regrets will ever end. Nothing is strong as the remorse I feel for you and the things I didn't do.

You deserved a better life from so many of us. It's unfair that you struggled so much to maintain relationships with everyone. We will pay forever for the loss of you.

With love to you my sister Shelley.

I feel so bad and hurt at the same time part of me is saying i wish she was still here the other part of me is just saying shes in a better place away from this messed up life most of us live everyday cee cee brown is gone and will never be forgotten at anytime

I feel so bad and hurt at the same time part of me is saying i wish she was still here the other part of me is just saying shes in a better place away from this messed up life most of us live everyday cee cee brown is gone and will never be forgotten at anytime

for u saida

I miss my baby sister so much its been 2 months since we lost her im so sad and missing her like crazy

For some reason suicide hurts so much more why? Me and my baby Sister were extremely close and not in a million years did I think she would do this.I tell myself she was to good for this world anyway.

Genevera, I can completely identify with your words! My younger brother, Brian, was my only sibling. I often wish I had other siblings to share this with so it wouldn't feel so lonely-- feels like my past has been altered and my future cut short. It has been just over a year and I continue to blame myself a lot-- in my heart I know it was not my fault but the non-logical part of me can't seem to shake the feelings of blame. I just recently divorced too-- and while the divorce was not completely due to the suicide loss it had a lot to do with it. I think for several reasons-- (1) there was just an undeniable, growing distance between us because I just wasn't the same person anymore and we couldn't relate to each other anymore and (2) we'd had a lot of rough patches before Brian's death and losing him was enough to put me over the edge and decide what I truly wanted out of life and my marriage was not one of those things.

As the oldest of just us two, I took my brother's suicide very hard. All the older sibling stuff played in as well as my type A personality traits. I have blamed myself. I have been sure that everyone, my mother included wished it had been me instead of my brother and they knew it was my fault. I worked very hard to try to sort all of it out. In my head I knew it couldn't be my fault, that I didn't hang him, he hung himself. I knew that they didn't blame me. My heart said something else entirely. I've spent the last decade atoning for a sin that isn't mine. Accepting blame where there is none. Punishing and denying myself to make up for things that can not be made up. I'm no fan of New Year's resolutions. Most of them are silly and cliched but sometimes, it can be just the right motivator. This year, I resolved to lay down the burden I've carried since my brother's suicide. I've resolved to let go of the blame and the guilt and to try to move on with my life. I think I've been afraid that by doing so I would forget him or feel as though I wasn't honoring his memory, but I know in my heart that I could never forget him and that the only way to truly honor him is to live my life to its fullest. I suspect this will be as hard as learning to live without him, but I want a life for myself. I want to be happy. I want to let those I care about close to me, no matter how scared I am. And I have to believe that my brother would want that for me.