Can’t find a way to forgive

My brother hanged himself february 14, 2017. His wife had taken their child and left him earlier that day.
My brother had everything in the world going for him. He had a business, a home, and great friends but what he wanted more than anything was a wife and children. In his mid 40’s, it seemed more and more impossible. Then he found her and within three years, they had a baby, got married — all his dreams were coming true.
She didn’t like his work hours or the people, she didn’t feel safe in his home with staff coming and going. I know he tried to present himself as the big businessman, but the reality was that he was self-employed, with his office in his home and he had to be on call 24-7 to keep it all afloat. She wanted his weekends and evenings free, she wanted a house away from the the office. She wanted to stay home and raise their child.
He bought a big house, he juggled and struggled to make it work, but it was tòo much. The business crashed. Everything he had worked for fell apart around him. He was overwhelmed and depressed.
It seemed that nothing anyone could say or do would help. He was hospitalized and medicated. Friends jumped in with help to pick up the pieces and it seemed at times there was progress.
The wife and family were all that mattered. She took a ‘tough love’ approach. She told him if he didnt find a job and start supporting her, she would take the baby and leave. If he lost that house, she would leave. She would call me with ‘status reports’ and tell me about how he was refusing to support her. She would say that if he loved her and the baby, he would get it together and take care of them.
I argued with her in July 2016 about kicking him when he’s down and start helping him climb out. She didnt speak to me for months. I called and called him and sometimes he would talk to me. When they got the foreclosure notice, she came to my house to tell me she was leaving him because he refused to support her.
The reality of the business failure was bankruptcy, maybe lawsuits, and for sure, that house was gone.
I thought by writing this, I would find some way to frame it to bring relief and closure.
I know I have to find some way to forgive so I can move forward. I think he loved them too much to stay. I think of all the bad choices, the worst was choosing to be with her. I will try to forgive him for that.

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2 Responses to Can’t find a way to forgive

  1. Todd crossan says:

    I really feel for your brother. The position he was in sounds sad. You don’t need to forgive at all to be honest. In my opinion and I’m not trying to change yours at all because you have it spot on! But your brother didn’t want to live the life that “people” or life itself laid out for him. He wasn’t willing to keep going downhill, he wasn’t willing to let her change their kids perspective about him anymore. Anything she said after the fact he can’t control. But when he hung himself he very well decided by them that he wasn’t going to let life dictate him and it sounds like something life can do to someone.

  2. Niki says:

    Your brother’s reason for dying sounds very much like my brother’s reason. It’s very hard to forgive. In the end, for your sake and his child, it is better to forgive. Maybe you can never forget. Remember that she has to live with herself every day knowing what she did, That is enough. It hurts like hell- I know

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