I’ve never done anything like this before but lately I’ve been thinking about my brother. My mom has been trying to get me to talk but i don’t like talking about him. I thought i would give this a try. 8 months ago today my best friend Colby ended his own life. He was my best friend. Me and him got in a fight one day and he left. I was so stubborn and wouldn’t talk to him. We didn’t talk for about 6 months before he came back and got some things from my house. I said one word to him and that was the last word I ever said to him. I can’t help but feel that it was my fault that he left. If he didn’t leave, he would still be here. It’s really hard for me to go to school because my teachers loved him. I just don’t know what i should do.
Cailyn
Cailyn,
Kelly,
My brother was also my best friend, and my only sibling. I felt like when he died, I lost my family. That I was all alone. It took me a while to realize that I had friends who care about me and other family as well. My brother also called me one night, talking about suicide. I was going to go see him in NY but he told me he was fine – that he wouldn’t do anything. A month later, he was gone. For a long time, I blamed myself for this. I should have gone. I could have saved him. But then I realized that as my best friend, he wouldn’t want me to blame myself. He didn’t do this to hurt me, or make me feel guilty. He did it because he was in pain. I have written a book sharing my experiences – it is called, “The Forgotten Mourners: Sibling Survivors of Suicide”. It is available on Amazon. Perhaps it will help you find some healing?
Also, I am not sure where you live, but I would also encourage you to take part in Survivors of Suicide support groups, if you are able. (http://www.afsp.org/coping-with-suicide-loss/find-support). They were a tremendous help to me after John first died – being around other people who KNEW what I was going through, who I could share my pain with. I know it seems hard to talk about it right now, but for me, I found that talking was part of the healing. Please continue to reach out and I hope you are able to take advantage of the resources available to help you. Take care.