They say grief comes in waves, neatly transitioning between each phase. Sadness, anger, confusion… They lied. It’s all of it, all at once hitting you in the face. Each wave crashing on top of you like it’s the first time you heard.
It’s been over a year now and I haven’t found the strength to find peace. Instead I find more questions, more painful memories, more sadness. The most traumatic and painful event in my life was your death. My older sister – so beautiful, loving, artistic. We met the day before and you had hope – you had a plan to leave him and get better for you and for your son. Then just like that, fast forward just a few hours and your gone. Did you not believe that so many people love you and would do anything to show you how you look in their eyes? And now in the wake of your tragedy, someone else took their life because they couldn’t handle the world without you. Now there’s two beautiful lost souls. Two families crashing through guilt, grief, sadness…. everything. If you only knew how loved you are.
Subject: I love you brother
I can’t figure out why you would do this. Today of all days my birthday why didn’t you just call me why didn’t you just talk to me last week you said you’d never do this and that you were doing better for yourself. What happened?? I love you man. I am mad at you too. I just want you back I want to wake up and talk to you. I will miss you and our adventures.
Missing my little brother Joe
I lost my younger 23yr old brother to suicide on 19th June 2017 and I am absolutely heartbroken.. I never thought for a second Joe above all people would take he’s own life, he loved life or so I thought. He’s on my mind 24/7 and missing him is becoming harder each day. The past few days I’ve been trying to piece together in my head WHY did he do it and it’s just pure torture as I don’t know and never will.. My heart is slowly breaking day by day I just wish he could come home I miss and love him so much x
my big brother took his own life on May 26th, 2017. he was 21, we were 6 years apart. its almost 3 months and the reality is hitting hard now. he isnt coming back, and we wont share our lives together. he was my only sibling, and now im an only child. i miss him more everyday, and am at a loss. we never expected this because he was a happy guy. almost 1000 people came to his funeral. he had so many friends, yet couldnt talk to anyone. i wish he would start sending signs, it woild be nice to talk to him.
To my little brother, who is gone from me
Brandon…. you idiot.
I didn’t know. No one told me, B! You didn’t tell me, and I’m so mad at you for staying quiet. Tay asked me to call and I knew something was wrong. I knew. Dad told me and I swear if my coworker hadn’t caught me, both kneecaps would be broken. In that moment, a piece of my heart reserved specifically for you went missing. Did you take it with you? She told me everything, little brother. About the drinking, about the violence, about the man and woman in your head… I can’t even begin to understand how horrible that must have been, but it has been easier to breathe knowing what you did to yourself was because of the man, not because you hated life, or…. I mean it’s not easier to accept, but… I think there’s a degree of relief.
I stood with Critter at the viewing. He didn’t have anyone to hold him upright. I hyper-focused on him for those few minutes so I wouldn’t focus on you, cold and in a f***ing box. I’m so happy you had him as a best friend. He’s amazing and I know how bad he misses you. You were his brother, too. When he went to speak, Uncle A stood beside me and held ME upright. I didn’t even realize how badly my knees were shaking. How horribly sweaty my palms were. How I hadn’t taken a breath, for fear that the exhale would be a scream…. and I’ve screamed enough for a lifetime.
Your siblings miss you, B. Kyle… is the only reason I’m angry with you. He found you, kid. And that’s…. f***ed up. He tried to help you even though it was hours too late. He’s scarred. I mean losing a sibling is… psychotic, but he’s literally just… scarred. You idiot. I’m so angry at you for harming him. Screw the rest of us- we’ll survive! How is Kyle supposed to handle that weight for the rest of his life?! He’s so young and I’m just… You wait. I’m gonna hunt you down when I finally get up there and you better PRAY God has the strength to keep me from turning you black and blue.
It’s been 130 days. A handful of months. Whoever says it gets easier? Is a liar. I went to call you in my absentmindedness yesterday, as I hadn’t heard your voice in a while… Your number is disconnected, FYI. Spent the rest of my day pissed off. Tay posts pictures of you on facebook and people ask how I’m doing- how we’re doing. I’m sick of all of it. I’m sick of working toward a goal I don’t WANT to reach- what the hell kind of goal is acceptance? I don’t WANT to accept that you’re gone. I want you to walk through the door with that STUPID SMIRK and a threat to lift me off the ground that I HATED for so long but now all I want is to feel that bear hug that you always MEANT, B. You always, always put your full self into hugs. You always left a piece of yourself with others in that way.
Hundreds of people are mourning you, do you know that? Do you know how much of an impact you made on the world around you? I hope you do.
Trust me when I say that the time between life and death is far shorter than we realize, and you best start thinking of ways to appease me when I reach the pearly gates, because when I see you again? I’m going to make it my business to kick your a$$ until either God finds a way to stop me, or I get tired of it.
Until then? Sis loves you.
I recently lost my sister at the end of February due to suicide. She was my best friend, my ray of sunshine, absolutely everything to me. I am 26 and she was 22. Her birthday is next week, so I’m having a lot of trouble. We were so close, I have spent the last few birthdays with her and she just graduated from OSU last year. I talked to her everyday, and we even talked to our parents every day which includes telling them goodnight every night. Our family is everything to us. My parents are the most loving, compassionate and selfless people I have ever met. Kristina and I expressed our appreciation every day.
I’m having a lot of trouble understanding why this happened. She wasn’t down ever, in fact – she knew just how to light up an entire room just by smiling. She made those who felt unwelcomed, feel welcome. I cannot even begin to express how proud I am of her, and always will be. I just don’t understand. How could someone who was so happy and loving and strong-willed do. I talked to her all day and night when she passed. She had an argument with her boyfriend and that’s what made her snap. She worked two night shifts, didn’t eat or sleep the day of, and was anxious and upset over her boyfriend.
That being said, I’m not even sure how to begin to process this. I miss her every second of the day. She is my only sibling, and again my best friend. My family will never be the same again, and my heart is just breaking. Thinking of all of you who lost someone as well!
My dearest older brother. How I love you, how I miss you. It has only been 4 hours since I found out you took your own life. Why didn’t you talk to me? Why didn’t you let us help you? The pain is so unreal I don’t know if I can take it. Our grandmother crumbled to the ground and still cant stop from sobbing uncontrollably. Why would you do this to her? To me? To our siblings, parents, grandparents and friends? We all love you more than words can describe. The pain is worse than anything I have ever experienced. I miss you so much my big brother, I wish I could see you, hug you, hear your voice. You are deeply missed and we will always love and remember you. ❤ please know you will never ever be forgotten. I hope the after life treats you better then the world did. I love you soooo much and I still can’t believe you are gone. my heart is truly broken. Love your baby sister, Amanda.
I’m at a loss for words. Your wake and funeral are coming up in a few days. It’s only day two without you but I still feel like it isn’t real. Like you will be coming in the doors soon. You used to come sit and talk to me all the time. Always ask me for hugs. I still feel like I didn’t hug you enough. I wasn’t there for you enough. I wish I could tell you I love you one more time. I just wanna hold you and talk to you. You dropped me off at work and went to our favorite place and committed suicide. I just don’t understand. I can’t process it. I can’t let you go. I’m sorry I wasn’t there enough, I’m sorry I’ve been so angry at you recently over something so stupid. I feel like I could have done more. I might still have you here. I feel so guilty. I love you b, more than words could ever explain.
My Sister was 18, turning 19 this year, if she was still alive. When I first knew that you overdosed on pills. Waves of emotions came flowing in. I didn’t know what to do, all that I could’ve done was to pray and hope that you’ll make it through. You know that I wasn’t that much of a religious person. But when I was in the hospital. I’ve begged God to save you and tried remaining as optimistic as I could be living that you would have made it through. Even during your final hour I’ve believed so. However you did not make it. My emotions overwhelmed me. I didn’t know what to do, I was lost for the first time in my life, I’ve never cried so much in my life before, I felt so much anger and sadness I couldn’t even react to the people around me. I’m so angry at the fact that, How could you have left us just like that how could you just leave me alone in this world to fend for myself, you were my only Best Friend in this world and the only person that I could have trusted. I miss you so so much that it hurts me to tell people that I’m fine and that I’ve moved on even though I did not. I felt so useless as an older Brother, I couldn’t save you, I still miss you so much even though it’s been month . Every time I get reminded of you, it hurts so much that I’ve became numb to the pain. I really miss you so much that I would have given up anything in this world just to talk to you even for just a minute. I hated this loneliness that could never be cured no matter how much my friends are there for me. But, the only thing I can do now, is to fake a smile and make it so that people believe that I’m over it . However, I’ll never forget you, I wish I could see you again, no matter what it takes. I love you.
Exactly one year ago yesterday my brother left this world on his own accord and by his own hand, committing suicide and wrought a tear in my soul and all who know him. He is missed every day. It still hurts and the scar is still fresh. Every day I think why someone would do something so extreme. I won’t ever be a complete person again because there is a piece of me that died with him on that day. I also lost a chance with a person who literally saved my life. She is a great friend and I’m forever in her debt. I may never move from that position of how I feel about her and perhaps it was wrong to let her go but she is happy and that is what I want for her. I just hope that the person she has chosen never ever hurts her because I never will because it would be wrong. Maybe some day in the future. Brother I wonder where your soul wanders and I’m looking for some sign you are okay. The next thing will be hard to read so I warn you read at your own risk.
Lord, I ask why you did this thing and sewed this strife
it’s never truly understood why someone would end their own life
And reap so much pain wrenching a spirit so pure to twist and strain to produce a written lyric worthy of only Mark Twain’s almighty pen stronger than his sword I implore you then take every inch and give it two times back cause thing we call life has been thrown off its track when will I finally rise off this destructive path and forgive a fathers and mothers bickering this whole situation is grave whack its slithering like anacondas asps and Cobras through my minds unconscious cracks
Trying to move on but every day some little things pull me back just take it slow day by day like a pawn up and down this journey called life’s highway do that learning fill my knowledge trough to lay a foundation for my future that even atomic bombs can’t knock off
and I wonder how she’s doing every day it’s nice to see her life going the right way gives me hope that one day mine will follow but not the same way which is hard to swallow
Why would one abandon this life in exchange for something not known why leave a family tattered and torn like Midwest plains after a tornado and heavy shower rains
Why abandon the chance at a Nobel prize going to college on a research scholarship grant why leave a woman who was willing to be your sister first and then more even a sister I would call the same its always great to add to a family tree And lady I’m always there if u need me but you gotta quit your bad habits they’re gonna end your life you could be and do so much more just end your own inner strife take care of those kittens knit more makeup mittens to show your skill
Get in school like I know you will
Still need to meet your brother lost one I did and you as well one to replace I need to find
I’m sure you will find your best in due time
And to all my sisters we need to find and spend good family rhyme time
To my brother I hope you found good peace wherever whenever it may be I haven’t found that I keep going back to that day one year ago that forever changed the direction of my life but it’s for the positive not the minus
if I find the secret to what lies inside the black diamond I’ve yet to find
its out there somewhere that why I grind
And to all humanity I say
go above and beyond every single day
Stop this fighting we call war it only brings another dead soldier home earlier than before
from a conflict that stems from a corrupt politicians central core
How many times must we say no more
How many children must before enough is enough it doesn’t justify more like Edwin Starr said what is it good for
rock the watchtower bad voodoo Hendrix
Never lose vigilance over what’s truly depended
On every brother mother father daughter sister cousin uncle aunt son everyone
We all should love our fellow man
enough to leave him alone if that’s where he truly needs to stand
But I bid you ado from a son who lost a brother while transforming into a humble man while still a lot of growing to do
This is why I write this down for you to see not because I want grandeur or praise it’s because I want the human race to see the error of its ways before we doom ourselves to future nonexistent while we still have power to deal with it
Oh and K it’s all you have a great life I know I’ll be better it’s true when emblazoned with that cross that you drew thank you you’re always the glue it’s sad maybe yes but it’s also the truth
So I tell myself rise like the Phoenix from the ashes and start my life anew before Im ended and just held together with tattered sticks and dried up Elmer’s glue
My life returns I bid you ado.
If ever you know someone who you think is willing to end their own life please for all that your being is be bold enough to intervene because I can’t change what happened but every I live my life thinking how can I make someone’s day better? That’s my journey.