Just want you to know (SiblingsSurvivors Guest Post)

Just want you to know

Our parents committed suicide when I was 12 and my brother was 8 years old. 5 years later, I haven’t been feeling well. The past few weeks I’ve thought about leaving this world. After finding this site though, I’m definitely not going to do it. It’s heartbreaking to read your stories and I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve realised my brother really needs his big sister, I can’t be selfish. I’ve already scheduled an appointment with a psychologist as soon as possible (thanks socialism). You don’t have to post this but I want you to know this site is very useful and important and you have to keep it up.

I’m sorry

My love my sis,
How could this have ever happened? We thought we were flying, and turns out we were digging ourselves a grave. Ever since you left, it is as if I am only half here. Never fully.
Perhaps we were too close, perhaps not close enough. I know I wasn’t the kind of sister you needed. You deserved. I was self centered and stupid. Blinkers on eyes.
I am sorry. please forgive me. It was my fault for calling you that day. I am still angry with our father for what happened. I don’t think it will ever go away completely. I am angry with our mother for being so blind. So uncaring of one she presumed to love so much. How could we all be so irresponsible toward you?
We are still alive, that’s a miracle. Your presence is still there in our home, the garden. It keeps us alive.
I lost every thing I thought I wanted, when I lost you. It hasn’t come back. I lost my story. I am glad. I want no story without you in it.
I love you very much. I no longer believe in after lives. But if in the throes of dying, oxygen deprived and hallucinating, I get to see you (?), that would be bliss. I hope life is kind.

My dear little sister

My little sister hung her self only hours ago. I was the one to find her. I am in so much pain and every time I close my eyes the scene of me finding her replays in my mind on loop. I’m glad it was me though. I lost a brother almost three years ago to cancer, and I couldn’t bare if my parents had found her. I’m still numb. Still in shock. I’ve been suffering anxiety and depression among other mental illnesses for quite some time now and it’s, very, very intense right now. She left a note, and a document on her computer, semi explaining herself. It was because the world is chaotic and evil (a lot of it. Not all) she knew she was loved and she knew we would do anything for her. But she never saw a future for herself. We come from a very spiritual, religious background. And about a year ago she stopped believing. Even became atheist. And I cannot bare to think she is anywhere but heaven right now. Any prayers for her are very welcome and encouraged. And if that’s not your thing, please. Send good vibes. Her name was Sara. 18 years of age. Two weeks before graduation. On her prom night.

30 years later

30 years ago my 11 year old brother shot him self while I was watching him. I was 14 and my parents took the puppies to training class. That day we played and wrote on each other with markers. I have a hard time remembering his voice now and his personality but on the hard days I comes rushing back. He had talked to me that day about how I would do it and he had written a letter about what he wanted done with his things I even took the gun out of his hand that day and told him he would be in trouble for having it. We had talked a little after and I went down stairs to play a game with him. I yelled up a couple times wondering what was taking him so long. That’s when I heard him drop the ketchup bottle and break it. Now I’m thinking we are both in trouble for it. Little did I know he just shot off his head with a 44. I yelled up a few times and still no answer. Sometime later I went up to find him in my parents room with his head missing and a giant mess all over the wall and ceiling. I froze I think felt like I stood there for hours. I don’t know why but I rode my bike around our small town. Things get fuzzy now but I found a policeman along the way and was sitting in the back of his car outside my house with a bunch of other first responders. I don’t remember much else of the night other then wanting water and my dad asking me if it was the gun. I lost my brother and my father that day. He shut down and 25 years later died from not taking care of himself. Maybe we both shut down and my mom over compensated For it. I still never know when emotion will overwhelm me either good or bad. Maybe his death saved my life because there are time I know how he must of felt that day but I know how how everyone else felt the next. My wife and kids suffer from my demons when they take over.but most of the time we are a happy loving family. They deserve better and it’s not fair to my kids to have to see my bad days. They are few and far between which takes us all by surprise and that makes it worse coming out of the blue like they do. I wish I could have seen my brother grow and have him to talk to. Now my dad is gone I feel because he didn’t want to live anymore either. He died the day they were going to sign paper on a house to move closer to my family.

My Bro, Can STILL hear you laughing after 25 yrs

My Dearest Brother. Here is May 6th rolling around yet again. 25 yrs ago I picked your teeth out of the pine trees and covered your body matter with rocks that the EMT left behind. My deep sorrow of missing you never gets any better. I cannot help but wonder how your 60th birthday would have been this year! I wonder where you are now. I still have my little jewelry box on my dresser you gave me when I was so little. You were always so sweet and kind… and you never had a chance in this life. I could not be sorrier that you could not see any other way out of your pain than to shoot yourself. In the dark, in the early morning, deep in the woods. How terrifying or peaceful was thay for you?! Those nights out there are pitch black and I remember them well. I wish I could’ve said goodbye. I wish so many things. I wish I could undo so much of the past but what did I know back then. I can’t believe I have made it 10 years past what you did!! I still think of you every time I go to a new place that is just beautiful & live it for you. I still think of you every time I see fireworks. My deep sorro for you will NEVER EVER go away. I can’t help but feel so cheated and robbed from not having you here longer on this planet. I truly hope I can see you again in Heaven-you deserve no other place to be than there. You were such an awesome sweet & gentle soul that we all took for granted. Missing you so hard shows the deep impact you greatly had on my life. This is not about me & the hole or aftermath of you leaving us – I get that you were in immense pain, but I just really want to say how much I miss you & wish you were still around. Love always, your Baby Sister

To those who have lost a sibling to suicide (SiblingsSurvivors Guest Post)

Subject: To those who have lost a sibling to suicide

To those who have lost a sibling to suicide:
May 6th, 2006 we lost my little sister Theresa. She was 13 and my parents came home to find her hanging. I have been sitting here reading all of your posts, really listening to your words and I can feel every emotion that each of you feel. The guilt, the shame, the wondering left of wishing that there was something more you could have done for your sibling. I have dealt with this for the past 11 years. I was 15 when I lost my sister. I felt guilty wondering everyday how did I not know that she was going to do that? How did she not know how much she was loved and adored by everyone around her. Why would she do that? Did she have no idea the mess of pain that she would leave behind? And you will go through stages you will be so angry at them sometimes and sometimes you will just miss them so bad it hurts. But what you can never do is fully understand it. Though you may rip your head apart at times to try to, there it no explanation for it It was there life and theres to choose to take And if fucking sucks. Sorry to say that but it does. But your life needs to go on still. Your a survivor of probably one of the most horrible deaths that you will ever experience. But you are still here. And the most you can do is live to honor your siblings memory. There will be stages and sometimes the pain subsides and you feel guilty for being happy, for enjoying your life, your new life without your sibling there. But isn’t that what they would have wanted you to do? Its hard and Im not going to pretend its easy to lose a sibling to suicide. Life sucks sometimes. But you don’t have to make yours suck after their death. The rest of your life is up to you and what you choose to make out of it. 11 years and this week, her anniversary, is always the hardest for me. It feels like I just lost her. But than there are plenty of times I am happy. And I smile at the time I was allowed to have with her. It was her choice and nothing I did or could do can change that. Its done. I miss my sister so much but the pain does get better. I understand those feelings, I felt so abandoned by her. I was so mad at her. I wanted to die after I lost her. I thought she has no idea what true loss is. But I didn’t live her life, I didn’t live in her shoes. And as much as I tried too 11 years later I still have no idea what went through her head that day. What I do know is she would not want me to live my life moping around because of her death. She would want me to live my life to the fullest, to take advantage of every moment. Because all of us know better than most people just how precious life is. Live to honor them! Live to cherish your sibling. Because you cant go back to the past no matter how many times you wish you could. Live a life that would make them proud.

Miss You Rabbit

Next week it will be 11 years since you left us. My baby sister, only 13 years young what did you know about pain and life that would have caused you to take yours? I was supposed to be your big sister. I was supposed to protect you. Why didn’t I know what you were thinking? Why couldn’t I see the signs? I’m sorry I failed you as a sister and friend. I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you like a big sister should be able too. 11 years I have almost live your whole life again but this time without you. I will never forget you. I will always miss you until the day I die. I just wanted to say I’m sorry that I didn’t do anything more. I’m sorry I failed you. Until we meet again beautiful angel. I will love you for eternity and more.

My beautiful Brother (SiblingSurvivors Letters)

Subject: My beautiful Brother

Did not see that coming. Still can’t believe it. Feels like a nightmare. I get angry at you for leaving me and Ed at a time like this when we were bonded in sorting out the situation. I feel physically sick sometimes when the reality hits me and I am unsure at times if I will survive this. You left too soon and broke many many hearts. You are so loved and I’m sorry I wasn’t their to talk you through the darkness and pain you must have felt. You have a beautiful soul and a big heart and that is how you will be remembered. I will miss your crazy ways and how you would bring a room full of people alive with your laughter and humour, I miss you so much. Love always Debbie …….your wee sister xxxxx

My best friend

My beautiful baby sister, I miss you so much. This past Sunday marks 6 months since you left. It was so hard to work Coachella without you; our business has expanded so much and this year Lady Gaga ended up replacing Beyonce – you would have loved it.
I miss you more and more everyday and I know time is supposed to help but it only makes me feel like you’re farther away or that you’re a figment of my imagination.. my favorite character from a book. I miss sharing (and fighting) over clothes, shoes, jewelry, beauty products — now their all mine.. I miss doing errands together and going to get our nails done.
You were my number one comrade when it came to everything; my own mental health, school, politics… I have no one to talk to the way that we used to talk to. We shared so many similar passions. I left school when you passed, and I’m not sure I want to go back. Losing you and grandpa months apart from each other have given me a new perspective on life and love.
That day I wanted to call the police when you were not answering anyones calls or texts and sent D that photo. I didn’t think it was real. I thought it was a google image search to scare him, none the less it scared me and mom and we called all your friends who said you were supposed to be at a birthday brunch for T and later celebrate D’s birthday.
I was expecting to go on a hike and give you a pep talk, the same way you always gave me a pep talk and reminded me how smart, beautiful, loved, intelligent and important I am. To find you that way was worse than a nightmare and I tried everything to try and backtrack your decision. As traumatic as it was at least I know that mom and I tried our best to find you….that you weren’t missing for days and then found. I don’t know why you shut us out that day. You were still warm, and I got to hold and caress you one last time. I ran my fingers through your beautiful hair and held your hands hoping I would wake up from this awful nightmare as mom collapsed on the ground and was bawling. I had to keep myself together for the police report and coroner.
Why didn’t you let me in? How were we so close but I never knew? We talked nearly everyday since grandpa passed in August and I know that was difficult for us both.. we spent the last 2 weeks of your life enjoying music and talking until the late hours of the night… why didn’t you say anything? Was our discussion about Lady Gaga’s Joanne album a message that I missed?
I am so lonely without you. I would do anything to have you back and be with you again. We were supposed to be together forever. It seems like everyone in the family is stronger than me in trying to process this. You cross my mind and I can’t believe you aren’t out there in the world soaking up the sun and breathing fresh air. You had so much life to live.
I respect and accept your decision. You are free from your suffering. I just love and miss you so much L, please help me get through this.
xoxo your big sister

How do you you get through this ?

It’s been five months and 11 days , since my little 23 year old sister took her own life . She didn’t leave a note , she wasn’t who I thought she was . Maybe deep down inside I guess it makes sense , that someone so beautiful inside and out , could do this …. I miss her terribly . People are so weird abou this . Many believe she didn’t do this , that she wouldn’t . My mother is still in denial , and I am full of anger . I am angry because I didn’t know how much she was suffering . The only two people who knew she was suicidal did not take her seriously . Her boyfriend and her ex lover long time friend . Looking back now , I see a confused 23 year old . I wish she wouldn’t have been so lost , we are all lost . The craziest thing is that she had her life so together , she was in grad school she had a God job , she was stunning . She didn’t have self worth …. this honestly a roller coaster of horrible emotions every day . I wanna blame our child hood and our up bringing , I am a suicide survivor. I tried to do it at 14 . I wish I knew what happened to this girl ? To my baby sister . How does one move on ,or lets go of this unbearable anger .??